Tuesday 7th August 2007

I haven’t written since my last hospital appointment and I don’t really have much to say, except a few ‘negative’ thoughts…I don’t really like to call them negative they’re reality to me.

Although physically I feel ok I do get sad when I should be enjoying Jack…well I am enjoying him but sometimes the happier I am just ends up making me sad.

Don’t get me wrong I never sit here crying…that’s not my style, just have horrible thoughts entering my head for few minutes.

People talk about when Jack’s a teenager or has a girlfriend and I just think barring a miracle I won’t be here to see it. I’m not sure that some of my friends understand what metasatic breast cancer is and because I’ve had treatment and the tumour has gone from my breast they just assume I’m back to ‘normal'.

Jon is doing the garden for us as the person who was in here before us obviously hadn’t bothered in the 5 years he was here…I can’t hurry it along quick enough as I want to be able to be out there with Jack in case I’m not able next year.

You may think I’m being negative, well I suppose I am and I think reality has sunk in as Jack is now 16 months old and it has gone so quickly, I just want life to slow down a bit.

Also, one of Jack’s little friends has a terminal heart condition that will mean she probably won’t live beyond early teens. Her Mum is preparing the house for when she dies so they can sell quickly as she knows she won’t be able to go back in there…I wonder how Jon will feel about our house? I do wonder if when I get ill should I have a clear out, will I have time etc etc I’d hate for Jon to have to sort through all my clothes and make up...there's so much of it.

I don’t really want to be writing doom and gloom but I can’t just write about the good things that happen when you’ve diagnosed with terminal cancer nothing feels good sometimes.

I’m off out later to sort out my bank accounts as I have a few and and I really need to tidy them up Jon has finally agreed to do a will with a solicitor within the next couple of weeks. I did stress that it’s not because of my situation but I’d hate for anyone other than who we intend to benefit from our money to do so.

On that note I’ll go now and try and write happier thoughts soon

love Clare xx