It's only been 4 days but I'm back on SW and so far so good...

Not strayed off plan at all and even today had a friend round for lunch and managed to stay on track.

It's 18 days since my last chemo and I'm feeling much better already, right arm and leg are still getting swollen and I've stopped taking the water tablets now (I don't think they made much difference).  Hopefully they'll settle down totally soon and I can have my ankle back.

I seem to be sleeping ok at the moment although it still takes an age to drop off to sleep..up to an hour some nights.

Still feel tired if I do too much but my hands are no longer sore, skin still a bit peely.

So back to healthy eating and trying to get myself a lot more healthier and fit than I have been this year..

Love Clare xx

Paula's Funeral...

I was dreading it and I'd only pulled off the drive and my lip started to quiver.

It was drizzling when I got there and that always things seem worse than they actually are.

As soon as I saw then hearse coming in the distance the tears began.

The doors opened to the chapel and I nipped in at the back in the corner where no one could see me and I couldn't see the coffin.  Intermittent crying from me and quite a lot of sniffing.

The celebrant (not sure what denomination he was) gave a nice 'chat' and Matthew had written about Paula - lovely words.

Alice wasn't there as Matthew didn't think it appropriate for a 4yr old and I tend to agree.

2 hymns, a reading, Lord's Prayer and to finish her grand exit was to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

We all followed the hearse to the burial plot and by then the sun was trying it's hardest to come out.

I found it all rather strange as there was virtually no one (except within the family) of the same age as Paula.  It was also a very sombre and dark funeral...most wore black.

Which brings me to my own thoughts and what I'd like at my funeral...it's all written down and the Order of Service is half done...must finish that off or I may get hymns etc picked that I don't want!!

I will go up to the cemetery in a few weeks and say my own goodbye to Paula as there were so many people milling around I didn't want to go to the graveside today.

Love Clare xx

I'm so excited...and although I am normally quite positive I'm bursting with positivity now..

Chemo finished and now I'm on a mission to sort my weight and health out.

Have made enquiries into Pilates classes and am waiting to hear back, I don't actually want to start until the New Year.  I need time to gather my strength and get rid of the fatigue.

I've made menus and food plans for my re-start of SW from next Saturday and recipes have been sifted through, I hope to have a bit of a weight loss before Christmas/New Year.

It will be a challenge but after this shitty year I need something to focus on and it's going to be a new me.

No more fat and frumpy...

Fingers crossed my hair grows back nice and quick as that is something I will have no control over!

Love Clare xx

Felt so bad today...

After a long night of sleeping/waking/sleeping/waking I thought all was ok to carry on as normal today.

Took Jack to school (by car) and popped to Asda just to get a loaf and some salad bits.  Spent the morning watching something I'd recorded last week.

Set off to pick Jack up at 11.30 am and didn't feel too bad...was only gone 45mins and by the time we got home I was feeling so rough.

Helen J came for lunch and thank goodness she was here as I just felt so ill...in the bathroom not knowing whether to be sick/faint or just sit on the loo!!

Managed to get out of there twice and lay on my bed only to head straight back again feeling all sticky and cold (like you do when you're feeling faint).

It passed within the hour but the colour did drain from me and I felt wretched.

Not long though and I'll be on the up again.

Helen R popped in to tell me news of their 20week scan - all good and so pleased for her and James.

I'm know most people have good friends but I am so lucky to have friends who are willing to help out and step in when times are tough.

Love Clare xx

Paula's funeral is next Thursday at 11.30am....

Dreading it already...

Love Clare xx

OMG - I made it...last chemo today and not once did it have to be put back due to low blood count..in fact Dr C said today looking at my bloods you'd never know I was on chemo - I am made of strong stuff!!

I started the day in the X-Ray dept as when I went to have my blood taken yesterday they were having trouble getting blood from my port, so they wanted an X-Ray done to see if the port was ok i.e the catheter was still attached.  Had it done and all ok...humm...

The nurses weren't happy that yesterday I could feel a stinging sensation so they arranged for me to see the consultant radiologist for him to put dye in my port to check it wasn't damaged in any way.  Only thing was they could only do it at 1.30pm so it meant waiting around.

Back to clinic to see Dr C and he said he was happy that this would be my last chemo and he would suggest a CT scan in about April but if I felt ill in anyway before then to get back to him.  

I'm going to carry on with the 3 weekly Herceptin.

I told him about the Oedema in my feet /leg and hand (right side only!) and he said he'd give me some water tablets...I jokingly asked if it would help weight loss...his reply was...oh you'll be a size Zero before I see you next!! I have been warned to only take them at breakfast any later and I won't sleep for a fortnight - yikes!!

I asked about doing Pilates after the New Year and he is all for gentle exercise but said not to try any cardio vascular stuff...I laughed pointed to my body and said "does it look like I enjoy that sort of thing"

I went back up to the ward and got the port accessed ready for later and my friend Fiona who I started Herceptin with (she's now finished) popped in to see me and gave me a lovely box of Belgian Truffles to celebrate my last chemo...how nice is that?

I went back down to X-Ray for 1.30pm and they put a black dye through the port with no leakage so the consultant was happy for them to continue use of the port.  He did say that they dye bubbled at the end of the catheter and this may have been caused by some sort of fibre stuff - didn't catch what he actually said.  too busy looking at him as he's rather dishy!

Back up to the ward for 2pm and away we went with the chemo, followed by the Herceptin - left the hospital 4.50pm, just  in time to hit the rush hour traffic.

So all in all an eventful last chemo.

I was so happy to walk out of there knowing that I possibly only have 2/3 weeks of side effects and then I can work on getting fully fit/losing weight and not forgetting 'Operation Bob'..

Fingers crossed I have a good stint at just Herceptin before they have to re-think my treatment.

Love Clare xx

Well the decision was taken away from me...

Paula passed away peacefully last night...

RIP Paula

Love Clare xx

Feeling extremely sad this afternoon...

Matthew phoned to tell me that Paula is back in the hospice and has very little time left..

I hope to be able to go and see her tomorrow afternoon but the coward in me doesn't really want to go and see what I may face in the future...it's a hard call but if I feel strong enough I will go.

Love Clare xx

Had a lovely few days away in Middlesbrough.

Lots of drinking, laughing and eating - right up my street.

Jon snapped out of his sulk before we went and we both enjoyed seeing his family.

I felt really tired but had late nights so that didn't really help.

Halloween party was great and Jack loved it as there were lots of other children there.

Friday is my last chemo (providing my white blood count is ok) so by the end of November I should be feeling more like my old self.

I've set a date to re-start Slimming World and it will be Saturday 20th November.  I am determined to lose all this excess weight.

Love Clare xx