I finally bit the bullet and ...

Booked Disneyland Paris for next April. I was under the influence of steroids and half a lager..that is my excuse for it anyway and the fact that I think as a family it will be a lovely load of memories to have.

Panicking a bit...Will I be well enough to go? Who knows what is in store for me after I finish this chemo. But my consultant says...just go with the flow and carry on as if you are well or you'd never do anything.

I knew that if I didn't book it now that we'd never go and I would maybe regret not seeing the joy in Jack's face when we tell him and when he gets there.  He loves Disney (as do I) especially Toy Story and that is big over there just now. 

I went to Disney Florida back in 1994 and loved it and said I'd never want to go to Paris as Florida is the place for Disney...but my health as it is tells me not to be stupid, to go to Florida would cost a fortune in insurance for me and I wouldn't want to travel that far away from home.

I have been looking over the last couple of weeks at the various hotels and read reviews on them (very mixed ones at that).  I just though that we're not really sun holiday people never spend much on going away and don't have to have a big holiday every year.  So I bit the bullet and booked the Disneyland Hotel right on the park..lots of £££'s but since my pension payout last year we haven't touched a penny of it and I can't take it with me..yes, I want to leave Jon and Jack with enough not to worry about things but my life assurance will cover the mortgage (all bar £10k - couldn't get any more when we moved).

So I have 8mths to try not to tell Jack, we'll tell him nearer the time when we're sure we can go.

Have yet to book the Eurostar as that can't be booked so far in advance - gosh hope my chemo brain remembers to book it!!

Love Clare xx

What a long day.

8.30am at the hospital to have my bloods done.  Downstairs for my 9am appointment with Dr C. which is the biggest laugh ever as he doesn't get there until about 9.30 at the earliest!

There were 3 of us waiting that had bloods done and the path lab were on a go slow, so we all just sat there..

I got called in at 10.25, went into the side room and sat there for 35mins whilst I could hear through the door Dr C on the phone talking flicking through notes etc...so I read my book!

When he finally came in he was flustered s he's not very technical and he'd be struggling inputting things on the shared info screen, he is so funny.

Bloods were good so I got the go ahead for cycle 3.

He examined the swelling on my neck/shoulder and he thought it had changed since he last saw me.  He's asking for a scan for me to be done before my next cycle.  He isn't going to be around at my next appointment (his son is getting married in Ireland and he said he thinks he'd better show up on time!). He said that if there is change for the better carry on, if there is no change carry on and if it's got worse (particularly liver) then to have cycle 4 and he would have a think about what to do next.

Back up to the ward and I had to wait until 12.30 to get started.  Not a problem as there were a good group of ladies to chat to and I had my book.

Managed to read all of it...it wasn't very long (Private Peaceful) but sad and I managed a few tears.

Home at 4pm after popping in to see Helen on the way home.

So that's half way through the scheduled treatment.

Next one Fri 17th September.

Love Clare xx

It's that time again.

Tomorrow, if all goes to plan I'll be halfway through the treatment.

Just got to hope my bloods will be ok...I'm sure they will be and I have the ok for more Herceptin as my heart scan was ok and I have the results in my sticky mitts.

Have a couple of questions to ask Dr C when I see him and I will ask him what he thinks he's doing giving me treatment that makes my head as bald as a coot yet my leg hair is still there...how blinkin' annoying!! - actually better not mention hair loss as he's lacking bit in that department.

So watch this space for mega moaning next week about how crap I feel...

Love Clare xx

A week ago I could hardly function.

This week I  feel like a totally different person. Sleeping much better and just going about my day to day things as usual.

I can understand why some people give up on chemo but it is only for 5/6 days at most that I feel really grotty...I would do those willingly if it gives me a few more years.

Had to have my regular heart scan today and all is good on that front so I can carry on with the Herceptin.

Just over a week until I start all over again...times just goes so quickly I'll be half way through then.

Love Clare xx

At last I feel like my normal self again. After a lovely afternoon on my own reading my book 'Her Fearful Symmetry' and resting.  All thanks to my friend Sarah offering to have Jack for the afternoon to play with Kiera and her sisters Lauren and Charlotte.

As well as reading I managed to do some more of my Memory Book for Jack. It's coming along nicely and just needs some tweaking here and there and then I'll be able to get it printed and bound.  It's only about 20 pages and it's all things that I would want Jack to know about me that perhaps Jon may not know, we only met when I was 31 so there are many things that he doesn't know aout me that I would want Jack to know.

I must enjoy the next 2 weeks as much as I can as the whole darn cycle will start again on 27th Aug.  Oh the joys of having cancer.

Love Clare xx

Feel so much better today, it's amazing what a difference 10hrs makes, and the right medication to treat the side effects.

Still not quiet 100% but at least I feel alive today!

I have so many kind friends and I need to learn to start saying 'yes please' when people offer to help.  It's all a bit alien to me as I'm a 'get on and do things yourself' kind of person.

Jack is off to play with his friend Keira on Friday and is staying to tea with her, that will give me some time to myself, to recharge. So nice of Sarah to offer to have him.

Jon is of work today and tomorrow so that will be a huge help.  

Love Clare xx

This morning I felt so weak and tired that I phoned the Drs to get an appointment  to sort things out.

Dropped Jack off at Mum and Dad's where he stayed all day.

My GP wasn't there but saw one who I'd seen before and she is really nice.

We discussed the lack of sleep and she prescribed some more sleeping tabs and said that as long as I'm sensible I could take them outside of my steroid time. I did say that in a few days I should be sleeping ok without them and I'm not one to take meds just for the sake of it.

I also told her about the extreme diarrhea and she prescribed some tabs for that and two lots of cream to sooth my skin.  Normally when you have diarrhea it 'stings' but this is full blown burnt skin and she explained as my immune system is so low that it would need extra help to sort it out as it's not repairing.  Next time I can be prepared in the 1st instance and not suffer for days like I have.

Managed to sleep most of the afternoon and then had a nice chat to Judith on the phone.

Jon is going to collect Jack who's had tea at Mum and Dad's and I'm afraid he'll be getting a takeaway as i just can't face cooking.

Love Clare xx

Feel like crying.

Was so tired when I went  to bed at 10pm.  Managed to sleep for an hour and a half and then that was it.

I've been tossing and turning for 4hrs, drifting off for 10mins at a time then being fully awake again.

I hate lack of sleep.

Love Clare xx

Feeling so bad for Jack today.  All I want to do is lay on the sofa and rest.  It's the school holidays and we have nothing planned for this week.

He doesn't seem to mind he's been playing with his Ben 10 stuff and we watched Alvin and the Chip monks (again).

This afternoon I will attempt to go to the lake with him to feed the ducks.  Just don't like to be too far from the bathroom at the minute, so we'll have to drive there.

Jon is off work two days this week so we will get out and about

Just did my ironing so that's all up to date again, there wasn't much but too much to leave until another wash load.

Looking forward to the week progressing as I should start to feel a bit better.

Love Clare xx

Oh what  horrible night I had.

Didn't take sleeping tablets as steroids ended Friday but I think I was still a bit hyper from them.

Had a dodgy stomach all day (diarrhoea) and had to get up a few times during the night.  When I did get sleep I had really horrible vivid dreams.

Jon and Jack got up early and left me in bed and I had a lay in just dozing.

Going into town later to get a new camera that I reserved.  Then off to Mum and Dad's to have roast dinner which will be lovely.

I hope the day gets better as at the moment I'm feeling tired, weak and just a bit dodgy.

Love Clare xx

6 days in and I'm not feeling too bad just a bit tired, no ulcers so far, bit of a strange taste in my mouth...water still tastes like mud!  A bit of diarrhoea but that shouldn't last. No lost voice this time so maybe it was just a freak coincidence.

Been taking the Tamazapam whilst on the steroids, so been getting great nights sleeps, no more of either of them for me for this cycle - no matter how tempting it will be...don't want to get addicted! Will see how I sleep tonight with out them.

Just going to have a nice relaxing weekend doing not much no make up, obviously no hair, easy meals and being with my boys...just perfect.

Love Clare xx

Second of 6 doses of Taxotere today.

Lovely journey to hospital in 7mins flat as no school traffic.

Had to have a blood test first and was called in at 8.40am.  The nurse who was accessing my port has only been doing them a few weeks.  I could tell right away that she was going to mess up (that seems harsh but true).  She was taking too long and being too timid with it.  Yep, she missed it and couldn't draw blood back.  Another nurse had a go and missed...twice.  Staff nurse had ab go and missed too.  Then the Queen of Ports came along grabbed it whacked the needle in and hey presto...blood!

Blood finally taken at 9.40am..already 20mins late for my appointment in the clinic but I needn't have worried as there was already a sign up saying that they were running an hour late...at 9.30am...how the heck does that happen?

At 10.55am I went in and saw Dr C he asked what side effects I had and wasn't ready for my comprehensive list that I'd done.  But he was impressed and said all the symptoms were normal..he wasn't sure about the loss of voice he said it could have been coincidence that I had a viral infection.

He was going to request a chest X-ray as I've been coughing a lot but said it wouldn't really be any benefit as I will be having a CT scan after my 3rd cycle.

Back up to the ward and they got started about 11.20am.  It take approx 45mins for the steroids and anti-sickness drugs to go through and then an hour for the Taxotere.  The nurse who set up the drip set the pump to 2hrs but said "there you go back in an hour"...I should have said something really at the time but thought she knew best. It was only when T Q of P nurse walked passed and noticed it was going at half speed that they changed the setting...so that took a bit longer.

Kate who I was having Herceptin with on Tuesdays popped in to see me and it was great to have a chat and a laugh.  She's due in tomorrow so I was lovely of her to do that.

Had my lunch (all organised and had done a salad) and then they did my next dose of Herceptin and said that trials had been done in Oxford and they were now allowed to do it over 30mins instead of an hour.  I had to stay for an hour after it had finished just in case I had a reaction but next time I can go as soon as it's finished.

Finally left the hospital at 3.50pm!!

Now to wait and see what happens this cycle with regards to side effects.

Oh and I'm back on healthy eating too.

***********************************************************

What a nice weekend.

Mandy, Nicky, Olivia, Megan and Carol came down on Friday to stay with us...yes they all had a bed of sorts but I think Carol may have drawn the short straw as she was in the kids room!...Jack still hasn't learnt the art of waking, turning over and going back to sleep..so he was up early with Gran every day!

We went to Legoland on Saturday and was a bit disappointed...it was busy but we expected that I think we just got spoilt when we went to Paulton's Park..great rides no queues.

Went for a meal after and Jack managed to fall asleep before his meal arrived.

Sunday we all went to see Toy Story 3 - great film and Jack sat still all the way through.

Had a lot of laughs, mainly whilst watching 'Chubby Brown' - horrid man, I tried to be disgusted but couldn't help myself laughing at some jokes and Peter Kay - who is just great.

They went back today and Jack announced that he'd like to go and see them tomorrow.  I don't think so he doesn't understand that they live 280 miles away.

Great weekend and great company. Jack loves having his cousins to play with.

Love Clare xx