Much better start to the day today.

Slept through from 10.50pm to 5.30am which is a first for weeks if not months.

Got loads done today.  Got Jack's advent calendar ready as it takes a while to attach the match boxes so didn't want to leave it last minute.

 double click and it will be bigger

After that I sorted out some cross stitch stuff as I need to a card for Jack for Christmas and a couple of other cards.

Then I finally finished my 'book' that I've done for Jack.  It is all things about me that he may want o know, from my birth to his.  All sorts of things in it, school/work/friends/family/fav things/ his birth story etc.

Just need to get it printed like and annual.  So pleased with it.

Also amended some 'funeral' stuff and 'wishes' stuff and have done a list of things that I'd people to have.  Found a fab website that uses ashes to make things.  Showed Jon and he's happy for it to be done.

http://www.bathaquaglass.com/memorial-glass.html

I think it's a nice idea and then rest can still be scattered if Jon wishes.

So productive day without to much exertion.

Love Clare xx

I feel crap.
So sick of waking early morning and my head pounding, makes me feel sick and I hate that feeling.

I know that there is lot going on inside my head (as in tumours not thoughts) but I just wish I could wake and feel 'normal', instead of wobbly/feint/sick.  It's very scary.

Had a lovely time at Sue Ryder Fireworks and Halloween last night.  Next years date was printed on the programme, do I think I'll be here to go?  No, not if I'm honest and baring a miracle.  I said to Wendy yesterday that I hope to make my 46th birthday but even that's now making me think I'm being too optimistic.

Oh this is turning into a 'poor me' post.  When I feel ill that's how it makes me feel.  I hate being like this.

I will snap out of it soon.

**update**

I did indeed snap out of it, by 9am I was feeling 99% better and had a good day in the end. Made cakes, did washing, ironing, roast dinner and bits and bobs around the house

Nothing keeps me down for long.

Love Clare xx

Hospital again today,  3 weeks go so quickly.

Treatment done fairly quickly but then had to wait over an hour to see Dr C.

Told him I hadn't reduced steroids and he was fine with this and suggested that I reduced by 1mg from the weekend, so I will reduce Sunday as nothing going on Sunday and Monday so if I feel rough I can go to bed.

I asked what the situation was with brain tumours i.e. what can be done when they start up again.  He said if one particular area was causing me 'trouble' they would consider a targeted area of radiotherapy.

I have a hard lump on my right breast and he said last time that he thought is was scar tissue from my lumpectomy. I asked again as not convinced but he is adamant.

He's planning a CT for after Christmas. Which is a good thing as it shows he thinks I'll still be here for that!

Met Mum, Dad and Jack in town.  Back to their house and then Jono, Dad and I went out in the evening for a meal at Tampopo.

Love Clare xx

Another one succumbs to this hideous disease.

This time it's the daughter of a fellow BC suffer that I met on the BC forum. 

Karen was only just 40yrs old and leaves a hubby and daughter aged 5yrs.  She like me had extensive secondary cancers and ultimately they were in her head.

Jon immediately asks when she was diagnosed and I know what he's thinking.  She was diagnosed with brain mets in March I think, my friend Paula was diagnosed in March last year and both are now gone 7mths on.

By my reckoning I may make end of Jan if I follow form...better do as want a nice Xmas and have just got tickets to see Blood Brothers at end of Jan!!

It truly is the most indiscriminate, hideous disease that there is (no offence to MS/Motor Neurone etc suffers but this is happening to me).

RIP Karen and may your Mum Marie have the strength to go on as the days go by.

Love Clare xx

Sad day as I decided that my wedding and engagement ring had to come off as my fingers have got so fat. 

I tried yesterday using soap/vaseline/making my fingers cold etc but to no avail. Should have done it weeks back in hindsight.

Went into town and had both of them cut off. The man in the jewellers was so nice to me (he lost his 1st wife to cancer, she must have been so young as he wasn't as old as me I don't reckon).

I have engraving on the inside of my wedding ring but it was impossible to see where the writing ending and unfortunatley he cut through the date but promised that they would make good when putting it back togehter.  I did go to a reputable jewellers with a doorman (get me!), so should be ok, just didn't fancy Samuals/Ernest Jones dealing with me.

Both rings will be ready in about 2 weeks.

I decided not to have then made bigger as I may have to have them off again so I'm having them mended and will put away safely for Jon to look after for Jack to have one day.

Couldn't have a bare finger so got a cheap silver ring that looks ok, well I think so.

Love Clare xx

Busy old week last week...

Tuesday Paul and Janys arrived from Spain to stay a few days, which is lovely now we can put them up as I get to see more of them.

Wednesday Wendy's birthday lunch at London Street Brasserie..lovely. 

Thursday was my lovely hubby's 40th Birthday...we dropped Jack at school and went into town to get Jono some new clothes...he managed to get 2 pairs of jeans/a coat/a jumper and a shirt. We had lunch at Prezzo's which was lovely.

In the evening we went for an Indian with Paul, Janys and Dad...again lovely.

Friday I went to Lucinda's Mum's funeral...very sad, as I kept thinking what if that was my Mum...she was a loved lady and so many nice things said about her.

Saturday was a day of bit's and pieces..shopping for tea on Sunday and tidying up.

Sunday we went to The Moat House for lunch to celebrate Jono's birthday with my family and it was really nice.  Back here for cream tea and birthday cake.

So busy weekend but I had lots of help so not too tiring.

Love Clare xx

Woke at 4.30am and felt retched, the pain across my right eye and forehead was excruciating.  I didn't want to take my daily dose of steroids at 4.30am so put up with it until 6am...felt quite sick with the pain so had some paracetamol as well.

For then 1st time since being dx with brain mets I was scared today...eek!

Went to Finchampstead as Jack had TKD testing and we got there, walked up stairs and I started to lose my balance, felt really wobbly and didn't feel as if I was in the room, had to sit down before I fell down.  Recovered enough to have a shortbread and latte after which I felt a bit better.

Have had waves of lightheadedness this afternoon and feeling of not being too steady, but Jack and I just chilled out for a while.  He is such a good boy as never asks to go anywhere or do anything when I'm not feeling too good...just tells me he loves me.

When I was with Jon yesterday, I was having trouble walking, dragging my left foot now and again...hoping that increasing the steroid dose from this morning will sort it out.  I know that I can't keep the tumours at bay for ever but would like to see another Christmas/birthday feeling relatively well and of course Tim & Vic's wedding...is that too much to ask?

Love Clare xx

Hospital again today for my 'normal' treatment.

Went in about 9.30am (as they drug company 'forgot' to send tall the Herceptin orders!!) and was out and down in clinic for 11am.

Had a bit of a wait as usual but saw Dr C and went through my list of  'niggles'...main one being head and eye pain so, unfortunately he said double the dose of steroids for 10 days if it calms down reduce again to see if it is doing any good. Not what I wanted or need but if it's prolonging my life then so be it.

Jon was off today so he picked me up and went to lunch and then to Nationwide and paid off our mortgage...how lovely but a shame I have to be ill to do it!!  Through a bit of a hissy fit at the redemption figure £751.00!!! plus admin charges of £90!

Popped round Mum and Dad's for a cuppa and chat, picked up Jack from school and went to do weekly shop at Asda...very busy and one miserable child...make me so angry!! - his legs hurt could he go in the trolley, can I have, can I have...I think my idea of shopping and phoning Jon to pick me up was the best idea...but no they wanted to shop with me...

All sorted and pit away for another week...think I'll go back to home delivery...much more calming!

Love Clare xx

Jack went to his 1st football match at the weekend Reading v Boro...not a good scoreline 0-0 and he managed to fall asleep for 20mins of the 2nd half!!

Nathaniel and Aaron stayed over corrupting their Uncle...not that it takes much, but good time was had by all and that's what counts

Mondays are starting to be a struggle..Jack's school stuff weighs a ton and there's no way he can carry it...it really hurts my back but it could also be due to the size of my huge stomach.  The more weight I put on the worse I feel - no energy/aching/getting out of breath/walking slower.  If I want to defy the odds I have to start helping myself.  No one else can do it for me.

I have said it before but this time really want to make an effort with losing some weight.  It makes me so miserable seeing what I've turned into..so I have done a dinner menu for the next 2 weeks, I do have quite a few meals out socially and will promise to myself to choose off the menus wisely.

Why is it so hard?..

Having cancer is hard enough without all the associated crap.

Love Clare xx