Did my first trip into town with one of my scarves on.  Did get some looks but to be honest there are so many 'misfits' about these days that I seemed to just mingle in with them!

I have the scarves that my friend Sharon made, I used them last time and it was ok but...they have to be tied fairly tight and not so easy to just put on if the door bell goes, also fairly hot to wear even though cotton. Sunglasses are a no no too!!

I was pointed in the direction of 'Buff Headwear' and ordered a pale blue 'Buff'..it's fantastic.  Just pull it on and tuck under the back..there are several ways to wear them.  

It's just a tube of material no seams and stretchy so very comfortable.

Feel extremely guilty after Sharon kindly rushed and made me some new scarves but I will still wear them now and again.

Love Clare xx

Had a couple of very nice lazy days.

Today Jono shaved my hair off.

love Clare xx

What a lovely weekend..

On Friday Wendy gave the news that she has got a job with Breast Cancer Care.  A job which she is made for and they are so lucky to have her as part of their team.

Today Paul arrived from Spain for a few days, Judith and Gerry come over and we all went out for a meal with Mum and Dad.

Judith retired (early and poss semi retired!!) on Friday after being at her school for 23yrs.  She had a lovely book made by all the other teachers and it's so obvious that they all thought she was a wonderful teacher.  I know she's brilliant/kind/lovely/caring but it was so nice to see what others had written about my sister.  Her year 3 pupils also did her a book and some of their 'memories' of her were just so sweet.  Both books brought tears to my eyes.  I'm so proud of her.

On another note..hair..it's falling out big time now and it's really bloody annoying me..stuck to my face when I woke up as it had been on my pillow, stuck to me when I had a shower, all over the floor and down the plughole...I will actually be glad when it's finally gone.

I did think about suing Pantene as on the bottle it says 'Healthy looking hair within 10 days'...do you think they'd fall for it?

Looking forward to spending a few days with Paul and I must remember that I have to get the house ready for Carol, Mandy, Nick and the girls coming on Friday..better not leave it all until the last minute.

Love Clare xx

Hair falling out by the handful...but hey that's ok I knew it was going to happen..

Trying to hold on to it for as long as I can before I succumb to the razor!

School holidays have begun and I really hope I can have some quality time with Jack and have some fun too.

I seem to have developed a cold ...thanks Mum!!

After next week when our visitors have gone I'm back on the healthy eating malarky.  It's no good using treatment as an excuse to scoff I really do want to get back to how I was 2yrs ago.

Looking forward to a week of feeling ok and then back on the watch for side effects after my treatment.

Love Clare xx

As this week has gone on I've been getting back to my normal self.  Even managed to clean the bathroom today something which last week would have been impossible.

Angela came to do my hair today and although we know I'll lose it soon I wasn't ready to have it all shaved just yet.

So she cut it really short for me and it looks great.  Only a matter of time before it goes as it's coming out in handfuls already.

If all goes well and I get a break from treatment like I did last time, I'll be on 'Operation Bob' as I loved having a bob, just hope I have enough time to grow it back how it was at the beginning of the year...will take about 18mths to get it how I want it..here's hoping I get that chance.

Love Clare xx

Feeling so much better now I've got over the 'worst' time (day7-14).  Next treatment cycle I will have a blank diary for those days and rest up.

Strawberry Tea yesterday and a great time was had by all, total raised just short of £500 which is fab.  It gets better every year.

I'm so glad I managed to get there as on Friday I was doubtful.  It was great to see friends from a far...Sharon, Lisa, Jane and Liz.  Just wish I'd had a bit more energy to have talked all afternoon to them but wasn't at my best...I'm sure they'll forgive me.

Today I got a new laptop!!  I have wanted one for ages but couldn't really justify it but Jon said he thought I deserved one so off we went and I am now the proud owner of a lovely new one...not a re-jigged one that I've used for the last 5yrs swapping bits from one laptop to the other...a brand spanking new one!

A quiet week next week and then Sunday Paul is over - yippee!

Love Clare xx

Jon was off today so was on the school run.

I had a lay in until 10.30am.  Got myself ready and went with Jon to pick Jack up.

Popped into the Drs on the off chance of an appointment either today or Monday and they juggled the appointments round and I got seen within 10mins of arriving.

I now have a super duper mouthwash and some antibiotic suspension (that tastes delish).  I'm hoping that the soreness goes soon as it's that that's making me feel miserable.

I still have no voice well a sort of rasping squeak!

Paul has booked a flight to come over on Sunday 25th for 4 days, how fab is that?!

Love Clare xx

I've done virtually nothing all day.

Took Jack to school in the car and back again.

Layed on the sofa all afternoon with Jack watching tv/dvd's and doing jigsaws.

I can't actually speak at the moment (throat not sore just can't talk!) and have ulcers on the back of my tongue, I ache all over and have a rash under my boob!

It can only get better as they say.

Feel a right whinger.

love Clare xx

When you're feeling a bit rough there is nothing better than receiving a surprise through the post.

I am now the proud owner of Elise - she is a hand made amigurumi Elephant, made by a very clever lady who I have 'met' through an internet forum.

Thank you Aisha for making my day it was so thoughtful and kind of you...and all the way from France too!

love Clare xx

I'm at my lowest immune time right now and am so tired still.

I have virtually lost my voice for some inexplicable reason and telling Jack off has been fun I can tell you. 

Doesn't quite have the same impact squeaking at him.

I had to drive Jack to school this morning, something which I hate doing but I just couldn't bring myself to walk there and back.  Nearly fainted when I walked up there yesterday.  My back was hurting and I have been suffering from diahrrea this week.

I've made a chart of each day and any side effects/symptoms I'm having as they'll ask me at the hospital when I go next and I'll only forget.

One side effect I'm not enjoying one bit is that everything I eat tastes of salt, just like I've eaten a bag of ready salted crisps...yes, even chocolate tastes of salt.

I can't really remember how I felt on the last chemo, 4yrs ago is a long time!  I'm sure I didn't feel this crap, but Jon was at home helping, Jack was a baby asleep most of the day and I could just rest.  It's all very different having to get up go to school, run around after Jack etc. Roll on the school holidays.

So not having a brilliant week so far but not as bad as some have it.

Love Clare xx

Oh lovely rain, such a welcome sight after the heat we've had.

How pants do I feel?

Not even sure it's totally the treatment that's making me feel like this.  Just have no energy at all this week.

I have an irritated throat (a poss side effect) and it's making me miserable as it aches and is making my ears ache too.  Good job I can take painkillers.

Managed to walk Jack to school this morning but all I wanted to do was collapse when I got there.  One of the childminders that I have become friendly with offered to collect Jack and take him home with her for lunch (also gets to play with his friend Megan a bit longer).  I did have a think about it as I'm not really one to give in but she could see that I was knackered.

I managed to get 2hours of lovely sleep in which revived me a bit.

Rang the hospital to ask about having my broken tooth fixed.  It's a no go this week but if I feel ok then next week I can have it done. Just a good job it's not painful at all. I am going on Wednesday and see if my dentist can file down the sharp edge that's catching on my tongue.

So all in all a bit of a misery this weekend. I will endeavour to cheer up as the week goes on!

Love Clare xx

Here I am at 4am downstairs wide awake but feeling extremely tired.  Now that may not make sense but its how I feel.

I have been lying in bed since 1.30am tossing and turning.  I have a sore tongue where it's been rubbing on my chipped tooth, a dry throat, blocked nose and very slight upper body pain. 

Of course I've been lying there with all sorts going through my head.  Is this the beginning of the end, what if the chemo doesn't work, how bad is the progression in my chest, what is that liver tumour up to and most of all I fear that even if the chemo does work to an extent I probably won't be lucky enough to have another 4yrs of good quality of life (which is basically what I've had since diagnosis). 

I just feel whacked out and a bit scared at the moment.

Sunday is going to be a very lazy day for me I'm afraid, my brain feels like it can't function at the moment.

I'm hoping with some cooler weather on the way and further on into the treatment cycle I might start to feel a bit more human again and stop these horrible thoughts going through my head.

Love Clare xx

Last day of steroids for this treatment cycle.

Couldn't come quick enough, if I have another night of laying wide awake I'll scream. The heat isn't doing any favours either.  I feel very tired but can't seem to slow down at all.

One 'side-effect' and it's possibly the steroids (I have done a bit of googling) is that I have horrendous indigestion/heartburn after everything I eat. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love my food and it's torture!!

I'm hoping it'll peter out now I've taken the last one...3/4 months of that would be unbearable. Out came my Gaviscon tablets last nice. Not that they did much good.

Mind you we've just been to MacDonalds and I had a Chicken Legend salsa, so I really only have myself to blame for the burning sensation I'm now feeling. 

Just ordered a coffee table and brought a mirror for the lounge, saw a nice dining table and chairs too that we'll measure up for and go and get later if it fits - nearly all sorted downstairs..next year bring on the loft conversion!!

Here's hoping for a better night's sleep (I'd be grateful for an hour at a time) and the end to indigestion for this cycle.

Love Clare xx

Two days into Taxotere and I'm feeling fine..

That could all change after the steroids wear off, I have 2 to take tomorrow and 1 on Saturday.

Been running around like a loon, shopping, ironing, cleaning, tidying up etc.  It won't last long I assure you!

It was Jack’s 1^st sports day today and I was so proud of him, he really looked like he was enjoying himself and put every effort into it.  Just so lovely to see.  When I put him to bed this evening I told him how proud I was of him and how much I enjoyed watching him enjoy himself.

Planning on a pretty lazy weekend.  Going to see if we can find a nice mirror and picture for the lounge.  Jack is at a party and Sunday will be a day of relaxing all round as Jon will be glued to the box...F1 and World Cup Final - come on Spain!

I did manage to chip a lump of tooth off whilst eating a polo - grrr!  Dentist next Weds but not sure whether to go or not as will be in my low immune time and I'm sure you're not supposed to have any dental work whilst on chemo let alone at that time. Will phone the chemo ward to ask their advice.

So for now all is good with me.  May have a different update next week.

Love Clare xx

First of 6 doses of Taxotere today.

Got to the hopsital as usual at 8.30am. 

Got called through at 9.10am and went through all the gumph with Tracy (chemo nurse), she talked all through the side effects and what to do to try and ease them if I get them.

She gave me my tablets and made sure I understood how many to take when. The steroids (Dexamethsone) are to be taken 2 twice daily (breakfast/lunch) for the first 2 days and then 1 twice daily for 1 day and then 1 at breakfast for the last day...I'll need a tick chart at this rate!!

I also have Domperidone anti-sickness tablets that I can take if I start to feel nauseous.  Let's hope the entire box of them stays intact!

She asked me how I feel about it all and if there were any questions or concerns.  My only concern (well my main one) is that if I get bad side effects I won't be able to look after Jack properly. We'll get to that when we need to/if we need to.

She asked if I had spoken to jack about my treatment and I said I had, he obviously doesn't know what cancer is but I've told him that I go to the hospital as I'm poorly (even if I don't look it) and that I'm having some new medication that will make my hair fall out.  Did I get any sympathy from him?  No he just asked if I was going to turn into a boy!

I did get upset at one point, lost my guard and tears fell only for a millisecond as I soon remembered mascara and the like doesn't look good on your cheeks.  The reason I was upset was I was really hoping to get through 2010 chemo free and nearer the 5 year mark next year since my last lot of chemo.

My port was accessed and off we went - saline solution with Dexamethasone, anti sickness drug and then the Big Boy (Taxotere) who is hopefully going to see off the buggers for a while.

That took about 90mins and then all change for my usual Herceptin which again was 90mins.

They were so busy by the time I was finishing and the staff were so stressed.  Two were 'arguing' over a seat and pump.  It was so funny and the bloke next to me was hoping for a fight!!

I got up to leave and both the nurses told their patient to take a seat, fastest first I reckon, I didn't hang about to see the aftermath!

Popped to Boots after to get a new thermometer as I can't find the one I used last time.  Oh it's prob with the bag of scarves that I can't find either, you watch they'll all turn up the week I finish chemo!

When I got home I had a package through the door from my neighbour with a nice card and a lovely turquoise scarf in it.  How thoughtful.

Feeling ok this evening but time will tell as the weeks go on.

My next treatment is Monday 2nd August.

Love Clare xx

What a busy week...

Monday - Jon, Jack and I went to Paulton's Park for the afternoon and had a wonderful time.  It was fairly quiet and so we were able to go on rides as many times as we wanted (or my stomach could manage).  The afternoon ended with Jack playing in the Water Kingdom and having a wail of a time.  It was so hot so it made it all the more fun.

Tuesday - I went into town to find some sandals suitable for wearing all day. Got some and a couple more tops but when I got home and had my lunch I went really dizzy and had to lay down for a couple of hours.

Wednesday - out with friends in the evening and had a good chat and lots of laughs

Thursday - Strawberry Tea at the Houses of Parliament, it was such a nice day out with Wendy and Eileen.  Wendy did a talk on the reasons why she fundraises for Breast Cancer Care and I very nearly cried at her kind and lovely words.  The day was finished off with a trip to Pizza Express along the river and boy were my feet burning from the walking we did!

Friday - went to West Ward to have my bloods taken in preparation for starting Taxotere on Tuesday.  I spoke to Kate the ward sister (lovely lady) and we agreed the next three treatment dates as I have to go on either a Friday or a Monday as I have to see the consultant first and he only does 'chemo clinics' on those days. 

So my first treatment is this Tues (as I don't have to see Dr C for the first one), then Mon 2nd August and then Friday 27th August. We'll sort the rest out if and when I get there.  The plan is 6 sessions of Tax but obviously if it's not working then it will finish sooner.

I'm not worried about having it done at all as I've done it before but more anxious about the side effects.  Losing my hair again is a bummer but I have some scarves on the way as Sharon is making me some new ones.  I can't for the life of me find my original ones and one of them was my favourite.  How the heck do you get a favourite chemo scarf?!

Had a nice afternoon, just me as Helen took Jack to Lisa's so the children could play, that's what friends are for, being there when you need them.

Going to enjoy this weekend and try and get the house straight so I don't have to do it during the week.

Scary time ahead but one that I have to face if I want to carry on as I am now - socialising/shopping and enjoying my family!

Love Clare xx