Here I am at 4am downstairs wide awake but feeling extremely tired. Now that may not make sense but its how I feel.
I have been lying in bed since 1.30am tossing and turning. I have a sore tongue where it's been rubbing on my chipped tooth, a dry throat, blocked nose and very slight upper body pain.
Of course I've been lying there with all sorts going through my head. Is this the beginning of the end, what if the chemo doesn't work, how bad is the progression in my chest, what is that liver tumour up to and most of all I fear that even if the chemo does work to an extent I probably won't be lucky enough to have another 4yrs of good quality of life (which is basically what I've had since diagnosis).
I just feel whacked out and a bit scared at the moment.
Sunday is going to be a very lazy day for me I'm afraid, my brain feels like it can't function at the moment.
I'm hoping with some cooler weather on the way and further on into the treatment cycle I might start to feel a bit more human again and stop these horrible thoughts going through my head.
Love Clare xx
Easy to get those horrid dark thoughts creep into your mind in the middle of the night when everyone else asleep. But I remember a really good friend who told me when I had those moments never to be afraid of what you can't control - in fact she told me off, remember? The chemo worked last time so no reason why it won't work this time either - Mr C knows his stuff and is giving you the best treatment available. Keep Strong Clare, its whats got you this far BUT if you need an extra lift, just melt your chocolate and pour it down your sore throat! Thinking of you, always xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Julie...xx
ReplyDeleteBeing tired is such a bummer, it makes everything else feel so much worse. Sorry you're having some dark times. Let those around you give you lots of love, and here is masses more from up the M4 a bit. You're all so much in my thoughts and prayers, Julia xxxxx
ReplyDeleteWhat wise words from Julie Clare. Remember, none of us know how much quality life we have left, a lady my sister knew recently collapsed and died in her bathroom as she was getting ready for work nd no cause has been found other than sudden adult death syndrome.... That made me stop and think I can tell you.... I think we all just need to make the most of what we have in the here and now, and you certainly do that. :-)
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