To say I'm gutted is an understatement...

Had my last chemo on 5 November still getting over the side effects from that and now I have the pain back in my rib area that I had this time last year.

I was hoping for a good few months without pain or intense treatment  etc

I rang to see if I could get an appointment with the consultant as my next schedules one with him is 18th February.  The earliest date they have is 18th January (due to bank holidays etc).  So it will be pain killers until then.

I really hope this isn't the start of something really horrible, of course I have Paula's death fresh in my mind and that is making me think all sorts of scary thoughts.  

I told Jon what I was thinking and he said he wasn't ready for anything like to happen yet, especially next year...I asked if it was ok for it to be 2012 (tongue in cheek of course) and he just said "I'll never be ready for you to die as I love you too much"

I just hope that when the time does come he will be strong enough to cope with Jack and have a good life with him.

Time is moving so fast and I need it to slow down...Jack starts full time school in January and there was a time when I didn't think I'd see him start school. 

Just read that back and it sounds very negative...I suppose I am allowed the odd negative thought now and again...I won't linger here and will get back to being my happy cheery self.

Love Clare xx