Thursday 24th January 2008

A year ago today I finished my radiotherapy…doesn’t time fly.

Apart from my daily dose of Tamoxifen I have had no treatment in the last year, just 2 scans and a mammogram.

Every day I thank my lucky stars that I’m being able to spend so much time with Jack and Jon.

I do have some bad days, when I get overwhelmed by sadness at the thought of perhaps not seeing Jack start school and when he calls out Mummy...one day I may not be there and that breaks my heart.

Friends ask how I am but they don't really want to hear me say..'oh not too good today thanks' so I mostly just say fine thanks...because I look well people assume I am well...physically yes, but mentally/emotionally it is so hard.

I belong to a support group where over the Christmas period we lost 2 ladies and that just brings it home to you that no matter how many people say ‘oh you’ll be here for years yet’ this horrible disease doesn’t do anyone any favours…it is all pure luck (IMO).

I do need to speak to a Macmillan nurse, as I have few questions and fears that I need answers to…just need to make that phone call.

All my paperwork is up to date everything filed and labelled up, wills done and funeral plans in rough draft....something I feel everyone should do as it must be terrible for relatives to decide what type of funeral you'd want and to have to sort out financial matters.

My mind hasn’t been working as well as it used to and that can be an after effect of chemotherapy…I will say odd things or get in the middle of a sentence and totally forget what I’m saying…my short term memory is now terrible whereas it used to be sharp as a pin.

If I do too much…even nice things like lunching I find I’m burnt out by 8pm. I had to cancel an evening out on Tuesday as I just couldn’t muster up any energy to be bothered to get ready…that is very unlike me.

I have a few side effects from the Tamoxifen…mostly night sweats and a very badly bloated midriff …a small price to pay though I think. I also get a feeling of fullness in my stomach and it’s so uncomfortable feels like a huge brick is being pushed up under my ribcage…it comes and goes all the time.

I still have work issues that are ongoing but nothing that can’t be sorted out.

love Clare xx