Why are things never straight forward??

Went into town yesterday to have a look at a dress for the ball in July....it wasn't really suitable for me so whilst I was in the mood I had a shop around...

Tried on several dresses and all looked pants on me! I just happened to be walking past Country Casuals (yes, I know...ha ha) and spotted a dress in there that looked perfect for me and it was in the sale, so I went in tried it on but it was too big (at last). They didn't have anymore so I left feeling deflated and thinking will I ever find a dress with a suitable neckline?

Got home rang CC customer services who gave me the name of stores who stocked the dress...the first one I rang in Henley had one in the size I wanted and they let me pay over the phone and they would post it to me.

It arrived today....tried it on and it fits like a treat..BUT I noticed all over the front there is red marker pen....grrr!!

I rang the shop and they were very apologetic and said to take it back for a refund...they didn't have another one.

I rang another couple of stores who didn't have my size either...beginning to think it was not meant to be and rang one more shop in Beaconsfield...yeah they had one and will send it to the store in Reading where I can exchange the other one.

So semi-happy about it will be very happy when I have the replacement hanging in my wardrobe.

Can't really fault the shops as they all tried their best to help me and the Henley manageress was so embarrassed...(red pen is what they use to mark down reductions)

So I will wait for the call to tell me it's there.

Love Clare xx

After a 4 week wait I finally have my scan results...

It took my consultants' sidekick (his registrar) - the lovely Dr Scott-Brown, 40mins though to track them down as I could hear him on the phone through the door!!....I was going to give him what for but didn't have to, he was giving the radiographers what for and he wasn't a happy man but it 1got a result for me.

All looks ok BUT...there is a 5mm nodule on my lung that they aren't sure if it's the same one that's been there before or a new one - work that out 'cos I can't!! - surely you just look at previous scans or is that too logical??

The scanner is brand new high tech and he thinks that it has just showed the original nodule up much clearer...Yes, you've guessed...we'll keep our eye on it and re-scan in a few months time.

I had a bit of a reaction last time I had Herceptin and they've decided to give me 3 weekly doses once a week for the next 3 weeks together with steroids (urgh!!) and if there's no reaction then I can go back to 3 weekly doses (without steroids) I did admit that I'd been feeling poorly the night before the last treatment and think I may just have been dehydrated and not 100%...hopefully that was the reason and not an allergic reaction.

I did mention to him that I need 2 health reports doing and that my consultant's secretary said she'd pinned the medical request to the front of my file....registrar said the best place to pin the request was to my consultant's forehead!!! - looks like I'll be chasing that too...grr!

My appointment there today was 10.10am, went into one of the side rooms at 10.40am (30mins late not bad really)...got out of there at 11.40am and the look on people's faces when I walked out of the door...I, for once, was the one who took ages!!

Love Clare xx

Since my diagnosis I've been in a long term sick scheme through my employers. (I didn't ask to go in to it they automatically did it for me).The scheme runs for 2 years and my 2 yrs are up on 23rd April..I have the chance to apply for ill-health retirement under the Company I am now employed by (Capita) and to apply to my previous employers to take my frozen pension (Prudential - Capita took us over last April)

I have had a letter from my old employers saying their requirements and how much per annum my pension will be.
My current employers won't give any indication of the amount I may receive if it's granted and to be honest it's really worrying me...

At present I get 65% wage and incapacity benefit which I presume will have to be given up if I take IHR..I can't understand why they won't let me know how much I'll get as they must know how much I'll get.

I'm also very miffed that I should have been given the chance to take IHR when they put me into the Long Term sickness scheme, as my previous employers enhance the pension to normal retirement age...but alas it's now frozen so only get 20yrs service worth instead of 39yrs...

Again my current employers won't indicate what enhancement, if any is applied..and unfortunately under TUPE a pension isn't counted like other Terms and Conditions.

I'm seeing my consultants on Monday and know that he's already had the request for a medical report as his secretary said she's pinned it to he front of my notes for him. She said I should press him to make it urgent as she's still chasing a report that he had in November - if it takes 6 months to sort out I'll be so annoyed.

If I was still employed by Prudential they would have it all sorted by now and have been thoroughly professional...BUT...I'm now employed by Capita and they haven't a clue!!

Even if I get accepted for IHR I don't have to take it but knowing the figures would help...

I have been given the options of:

• Go back to work - even though there is no job for me now as all our work has been migrated to Mumbai! - (I was offered redundancy 2 yrs ago but declined)
• Stay employed on a no work no pay basis - that way I get to keep my death in service
• Take IHR (if they think I qualify for it after getting medical reports)

So not really much choice but to hope the Trustees of the Pension scheme agree that I can take it and then that the figures are ok.

Scary times....

Love Clare xx

Most of you know that I like food well last night we were invited to a surprise dinner party for Hilary's 40th...it was fantastic!! I would say it was the best food I have ever tasted.

Hilary's husband Kev had arranged 'Chef at Home' to come in and cook for us, he'd told Hilary that he was cooking for her...how he kept it secret I'll never know!


We got there at 7pm and waited anxiously for Hilary to arrive with Laura (who'd taken Hilary out for a drink to get her out of the way).


She arrived and had no idea...was totally surprised to see a French chef in her kitchen and then she came into the lounge and was surprised to see Julie, Ian, Jono and me sat there!


The eating started with Canapes - Blinis with soured cream, smoked salmon and caviar and crispy duck crepes washed down with Champagne!


Into the dining room to take our seats...Kev had even brought new table lined etc and it looked lovely.


Starter: Belly of Pork served with a honey and apple salad, apple chutney and crackling

Main course: Fillet of beef served with wild mushrooms, potato rostis, green beans, baton carrots, baby leeks, and a Madeira sauce - the steak was cooked to perfection.
Dessert: Creme brule, with strawberries and pistachio nut tuile

Loads of wine was drunk and we all had a lovely time..eating drinking and laughing!

We got home about 2am....I remember getting in the front door but after that it's all a blur!!

Jack was at Grandma and Grandad's last night so Jono and I were treated to a lie-in until midday - heaven!

Love Clare xx

So flippin' annoyed...

Rang Dr Charlton's secretary today to see what's going on with getting my scan results. She is going to chase them for me as good old Dr Charlton is away at a conference for a week!!

I had a letter from HR and they say they've written to Dr C for a report to see if I qualify for Ill-health retirement...just hope he's not as slow with getting that done as chasing my scan results!!

On a 'happier' note Jack had a fab time at pre-school today, they had a fun hair day and he went with his hair spiked up and sprayed red...
He thinks he's having it done again tomorrow....think again Jack!!

Love Clare xx

9th Herceptin

What a huge let down today was....

Didn't start very well either, Jack stayed at Mum and Dad's so I only had myself to get ready this morning and could get a good nights sleep...no such luck I was up about 4/5 times in the night feeling really sick.

I got up at 7am and was sick and then the diarrhoea kicked in!! I actually thought it might be because I was anxious/nervous of getting my scan results.

Got to the hospital and booked in on West Ward for my Herceptin and then went back downstairs for my appointment with the consultant.

He was only running 30mins late so that was a bonus!! He did the usual examination and when I said what were the results of my scan he said "what scan" I said I'd had a CT scan 10 days ago and he said he'd go and have a look on the computer. He came back and said that the results weren't there but he'd ring the radiologist and chase them up for me and ring me.

I was a bit surprised that they weren't there as a lady who had her scan 10mins after me had her results today.

Bloods I had done at the end of January were good so at least that's something.

I went back up to West Ward and they saw me straight away. All going well and I felt ok after the sickness earlier. Then just after an hour into treatment I felt really bad...clammy, shaky and really faint. I called one of the nurses who got me a fan and she stopped my treatment right away. They got me a bed to lay on in a side room and did my OBs..blood pressure was really low and I was still very shaky.

When something like happens they have to call one of the Drs to come. The Dr that came up said that before I had my next treatment I should see my consultant again to see what he suggests. I have an appointment on 23rd March.

I had to stay there longer than normal just to make sure I was ok to drive home.

I reckon I felt ill because I wasn't feeling 100% and I think I know what caused it....I had a Hartleys low calorie jelly, the pot was a bit sticky but the lid was intact...it wasn't until I washed up the pot this evening to put in the recycling that I noticed the bottom was cracked...I bet anything I got a bit of food poisoning from that - grrr!!

So a pretty pants day. Except for Wendy popping over after work to see me and help get Jack ready for bed.

Love Clare xx

Yesterday I felt totally exhausted (emotionally)...

I got a phone call at 8.30am to say one of my friend's Mum had died, I was then asked to phone another friend and I made such a hash of the call..what an idiot!! Still the message got through but I could have delivered it better...

I also had a visit from my boss to sort out what's happening with me after 23rd April as that's the date my Long Term Sick scheme comes to an end... I want to take Ill-health retirement and he can't see why I shouldn't so he's arranging a phone call from Occupational Health to assess whether I can apply or not. I can also apply to my previous emplyers to take my frozen pension but I have to sort all that out myself...can see that taking ages!!

I just hope they phone before Monday as I'm seeing my consultant on Monday and if I need anything from him then I can ask him then.

I was a bit disappointed to not have any figures to get an idea of how we'll be financially as we could potentially lose half of our income just like that.

Slimming World was disapointing last night too as I put on 1.5lbs and was so annoyed with myself..BUT today I'm back on it and will lose the 1.5 and more by next week....did I just say that??!!

Jack was sick just as I was about to go and get weighed, not sure what was wrong but he'd been saying he had tummy ache all afternoon.

Went into town today to spend some of my vouchers I got from Prudential for 20yrs service...I got some lovely Joseph Joseph chopping boards, a cute bin for the bathroom and a herb mill. Treated Jack to some sunglasses as he's always moaning that the sun is in his eyes, a t-shirt and a pull-back car. Oh and a Tom an Jerry DVD as he loves them...it was only £3!!

Made a lovely veg chilli this afternoon but it's becoming increasingly difficult to cook anything on the hob as only one ring works proprly now...must make more of an effort to get a new cooker.

love Clare xx

I said I'd post pics of the finished bathroom...here they are: from this..... to this.... The plumber came back today with the bath panel that we were waiting for he fitted that and did the mastic around the sink, floor and window...

Just have to wait to get the bill now!!

love Clare xx

A full CT scan today with the lovely barium drink to check my neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis. They only have one scanner at the moment, a super duper state of the art thing...1st in the country so I've been told and another is on it's way (think it was BOGOF!!!)

BUT...it doesn't help the radiographers to get the cannula in!!

I had one in the crook of my arm and it was flapping about a bit but it was taped down and they carried on..

Got to the bit where they inject whatever it is they inject and the cannula flew out!!....scan had to be stopped and a Dr had to be called to find another suitable vein...

One was found on the upper side of my arm just below the elbow....ouch!!!

So the scan was re-started and all went ok....I am now sporting 3 lovely bruises. 5 hours on and it's still swollen all around the elbow. Thought I'd take a picture to show you all - lol

Here it is against my other arm...

Anyway, I have to wait until 9 March for the results....I'm not that worried (just a smidgen) as what's the point.... what will be will be...hummmm.... after my routine mammo last year turned into a mastectomy and more treatment perhaps I shouldn't be so flippant.

Roll on 9th March - I'm ready for you!!

Love Clare xx

Echo today...

Appointment was for 1.30pm and bang on the dot I went in at 1.30pm!! Took 10mins and I asked the nice man doing the Echo what the scores on the doors were...my EF (not sure what that is but that's the benchmark they use) is 55% so that's good.

Apparently when I had my 1st Echo it was 60% and went down to 55% last time and stayed at 55% this time. NICE tend to get twitchy if it falls below 50%...

So, I look on course to staying on Herceptin for now.

Just the dreaded CT scan to have on Weds and it's the full - ish....drink, then scan of neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis and the obligatory 2 week wait for results - grrr.

There was a woman waiting to see a consultant and she was winging on about having to wait half an hour...felt like saying to her try sitting in the Cancer Centre for hours on end...then you have the right to moan - stupid woman!!

Oh and almost forgot...my manager is coming to see me next week as he needs to see me I quote "the purpose of my visit is that Capita need me to have a face to face meeting with you regarding the options available to you when your time in the Long Term Illness Scheme ends next month".....

Very scary!!! I maybe penniless from May onwards!!!

Love Clare xx

8th Herceptin

Well not such a rush today as Jack stayed at Grandma and Grandad's last night which meant I didn't have to race around this moring just got myself ready and off into the throng of traffic...except there wasn't any the roads were clear!

The waiting and reception area up on West Ward are nearly finished and it will a much more pleaseant place to sit and wait.

Called in at 10am on the dot and home by 12.30pm

Took Harry Potter to listen to on the Ipod but only mnaged half of chapter 1 and half of chapter 4...2 and 3 were missed totally by my snoozing!!

The bathroom is very nearly finished only a few small things to be seen to and it looks fab...will post some pics when it's all finished.

Slimming went well tonight...I lost another 2.5lbs so I'm on track to get to my intrim target by my birthday.

Love Clare xx

The bathroom is really coming along now...here's a sneak preview of the tiling...





Jack was the first to use the bath...






Other than the bathroom we've been a poorly household this week..(well Jack and me), I've been feeling fluey and my throat has been awful..just about going now. Jack as awful dry skin on his face, not sure what it is whether it's eczema or just the cold weather that chapped it...poor lad has been a bit miserable all week and now his eyelids are really sore and dry.


I hate him being poorly as I don't know what to do except love him even more (if that's possible).

So a busy weekend ahead for us...plumber back again tomorrow to carry on with the tiling, food shopping for me, as we have Wendy and Guy over for a meal in the evening - so that means a clean up of a very dusty house!!


Love Clare xx

Sad as it may seem I feel very excited about our new bathroom. The old one was working but hey who wants a green bathroom in this day and age






The plumber is excellent and doesn't mess about the whole room was stripped by 10am on Monday...tiles off suite out the lot





Have been out and bought some new things ..towels, linen basket, bathroom cabinet and shower screen...it just adds more money on the final amount spent by I do want it to look nice.


We were only without a toilet for the first day and at night we could use it.


It's coming along nicely now and I can't wait for the tiles to start going on...






Apart from that I've had a fairly good week so far..Jack has been a bit off colour but that's nice for me as all he wants to do is cuddle up. I woke up today feeling pants...sore throat and really achey.


I lost 2.5lbs at slimming world last night and got 'Slimmer of the Week'... so that's 6.5lbs in 5 weeks.


We were supposed to be going to Monkey Mates today and have our lunch there...due to flooding 2 roads on the way there were closed so I turned around and came home!


Love Clare xx

I love it when it snows and when the snow is fresh but it now looks awful all muddy and slushy..

Here's some pics of Jack out in it...

OMG!!! - I think Jack has cracked being toilet trained -woohoo!!

We have had the odd accident since the weekend but that's ok. He went to pre-school Monday with a nappy on but playgroup Thurs without as I was with him so could keep tabs on him! Even did a trip to B & Q without any accidents so braved pre-school today with pants on and no accidents.

I know there will probably be more accidents to come but hey I think our boy has got the hang of it...so proud of him.

He's been promised a couple of Spiderman toys tomorrow for being so clever....

love Clare xx

7th Herceptin

Well it's getting boring now....it's like Groundhog Day, even get called in to start treatment at the same time each session...oh now hang on I think I was about 5mins later this week and a few different faces. I was sad about one thing - the nurse that did most of my chemo 2 yrs ago wasn't there and I asked if she had a day off and they said she'd left to work in Saudi - I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye/good luck etc but they said she didn't tell any patients as it would have been too upsetting for everyone.

Said to the nurse that I feel so tired for the rest of the day and the following day and she said of course it's the piriton....very large dose is given to stop any allergic reactions. Good news is I can stop having it from next time as after 7 sessions they assume your not going to react - watch this space!!

Sorted out dates for treatment until July as I had to see if I could move my last one in June by 4 days and that's all sorted provided my Echo's come back ok.

I did ask what mine was last time and she said 55% (don't know what that means) but if it goes below 50 I may have to have a 3 week rest to allow the heart to repair itself - that would put a spanner in the works!!

Other things that are happening at the moment are the excitement of a new bathroom providing we can get the tiles we want in time it'll get started Mon 9th Feb - yippee.

Jon is going to do the kitchen so when that's finished it'll be sit back and enjoy the summer as a family without housey jobs hanging over us.

I'm so proud of Jack, just on the off chance I put him in pants on Saturday and that's what he's been wearing ever since (with the exception of pre-school and night time), he can pull down his trousers and pants and go himself and pull them up again. Poo's are done in the toilet not the potty so that's nice and he really seems to be getting the hang of it - hurrah!!

Will do an update on 'Pottygate' in a few days!

Have had my hair done today - lovely and light again, thought I fancied going darker a while back but I do really like it blonder - thanks Angela xx

One final thing - lost another lb at SW weigh-in so that's 3.5lbs so far - moving in the right direction.

love Clare xx

Hurrah, after 3 mths waiting for the good old NHS to get me a prosthesis they have finally phoned to say I can pick it up tomorrow!! I guess it has been there for ages as they take a week maximum to order just lack of communication somewhere along the line.

Was walking back from taking Jack to pre-school and thought I must phone to see when they can do a CT scan that I have to have in Feb....about 10mins after I got home the phone rang and it was the X-Ray dept ringing to make a scan appointment - how spooky!!

I have to go on Weds 25th Feb at 9.15am, so hopefully when I see consultant for my March appointment the results will be there - feel nervous thinking about it already!!

Tomorrow I'm back for another dose of Herceptin - great!!

love Clare xx

Just when I think things are going along nicely something pops up to disrupt my world....and makes me all sad again.

A young (34yrs) woman on the breast cancer forum that I belong to lost her fight against this terrible disease -it's made me very sad as she had an awful time from the time she was diagnosed -nothing worked for her, she endured treatments that made her so ill she had to stop them - she was hopeful to start a trial at the Royal Marsden later this month but didn't quite get there - RIP Jakki

My good friend Sharon also lost her Mum this morning and although she was in her early 80's and lately not of very good health it was still her Mum and she will miss her terribly. Sharon's heart is breaking - RIP Joyce

May Jakki and Joyce sleep well in heaven

love Clare xx

Took the plunge and joined a Slimming World class last week. I would like to lose nearly 2 stone and would like to have lost it yesterday!!

Had my first weigh-in this week and lost 1.5lbs...not much but better than putting it on!

There are a few reasons why I want to lose the weight and here they are....

• to be able to get into the clothes I have and not have to buy new ones
• to have a healthier BMI
• to look fab at the 'Pink Ball' in July and not to have to struggle to get a dress
• to have scope for putting some on if I have to have steroids again without looking too bad
• to have 4 pallbearers at my funeral...if you're fat you get 6...humungous and it's 8!!!!!

Jon will go mad when he reads the last one - it's just my sense of humour and said in jest!!

So if anyone see's me eating anything that looks like it's not on a diet menu give me a nudge and shout "Oi fatty remember you want 4 not 6!!"

Love Clare xx

So here we are...a day that in 2006, I wondered if I would ever see. Jack had his 1st day at pre-school and he loved it!

Went in at 9.30am and he just sat down with all the other children on the mats and didn't even bat an eyelid when I left!!

I managed to occupy myself at home (ironing/preparing dinner etc) and hoped that I wouldn't get a call to go and get him.

When I went in to pick him up he was sat on his chair waiting with all the others and gave me a huge smile when I walked in. He has a memories book that his 'key person' writes in and she wrote that he settled in straight away...(I didn't really have any doubts but you never know) and did lots of running around and joined in everything.

He's already asked to go back after lunch....he'll have to wait until Monday!!

So my little boy is not so little anymore...how time flys....

love Clare xx

Have had a nice easy week this week, just me and my cheeky little monkey.....He's been a joy this week and for some strange reason has started eating everything that's put in front of him....not turned his nose up at one meal this week....very odd!!

Maybe he's not so little, he starts pre-school tomorrow and I think he's looking forward to it. Every day he's asked if he can go to 'small school' and I keep saying on Friday and he just shrugs and says oh.

Not sure how I'll feel leaving him on his own. Obviously I leave him with Mum and Dad a lot but that's different. Have told him I'll be leaving him and he doesn't seem to mind, he just says "pick up at 12"!!

So need to get my act together tomorrow morning as I intend to walk there, it's not far through the back cycle pathway...Apart from the odd day here and there we've been able to get up, dressed and have breakfast at our leisure for well over a year.....

Might actually have to get the house looking tidy if I have spare time on my hands....

love Clare xx

6th Herceptin

Another dose of Herceptin today and all went well.

It was so busy in there as they missed a day last week and still had patients playing catch up.

I can't really complain about the wait as each time I have been called between 10 and 10.15, so that must be the earliest the drugs come up and someone is free to see to me. I was a tad embarrassed as they've had to 'up' my dose as at my last weigh-in I had gone over into the next dosage bracket....oh dear (but that is soon to be rectified!!)

I belong to a BC forum and today met one of the ladies from there as she was also having treatment today, we've never managed to meet before as our appointments seemed to miss by a few days each time but she was one of the 'catch-up' patients so emailed me to say she'd be there today. She is such a nice lady and without thinking I did say ..'Oh your avatar pic on the forum doesn't look like you at all'...she looks so much younger in the flesh.

I got really shall I say emotional (lip quivering type of thing) as a 'young' man (he was 40 so in my book that's young) struggled to walk to the seat next to me with a stick and his Mum holding him up..that didn't upset me as much as his poor Mum having to go through this with him...she sat away from him as we were tight for space and she just looked over now and again and you could see the sorrow in her face....so sad to see.

Got back to Mum and Dad's about 12.45, had some lunch and sat on the sofa nodding off...Dad insisted I went upstairs for a lay down and so I wasn't going to argue!! I slept for just over 2hrs and it was fab.

Feel really tired this evening and have had a dodgy stomach since teatime....it is a side effect but one that I've avoided so far!!

So 1/3 of the way through if they stick to the plan. I change to Tuesdays from 27th Jan. They write your name in a diary so they know who they have coming in and the nurse said ooh lucky you Tuesdays are nice and quiet....lovely.

love Clare xx

The 1st day of a New Year is nearly over....

New Years Eve was just perfect....

Jon and I went over to Wendy and Guy's for a meal, drinks and lots of laughter...mostly provided by Jon's constant squinting (he needs new glasses!!)

The meal was (as usual) lovely and we were treated to New Years Eve presents and lots of champagne - yummmmm

Poor Guy was full of cold but battled on regardless...

We played a game of girls verses boys trivial pursuit...the boys won!!

Midnight came and after lots of hugging, kissing and general 'loving' we all went outside to watch some fireworks.

Wendy's neighbour came in about 1am and we sat chatting and then all of a sudden I realised I'd had too much to drink...off to bed for me at 2am!!

Lovely nights sleep but woke feeling rather fragile and that continued most of the day...big roast at Mum and Dad's and then a snooze on their sofa whilst Jon went upstairs and had a snooze in the peace and quiet...well he was rather more fragile than me!!

I've made my mind up and am going to Slimming World classes starting next Tuesday...I have approx 2st to lose and want to do it this time and keep it off.

I don't really have any resolutions but will try hard at what ever I do this year.

So I intend to get through this year as healthily as I can and make it through to 2010...how scary does that sound??!! - not that I make it but 2010!!!

love Clare xx

So here we are the last day of 2008.....

What a fast whizz through the months that was. Partly due to the fact that we had vitually no summer to enjoy long lazy days.

Highs of 2008:

January - Panto in Windsor, meals out with friends

February - Paul over to see us

March - Easter at Judith and Gerry's

April - Jack's 2nd birthday and it snowed on the day!! Paul over again! Finding out my pain was infact only gallstones!!

May - Jack went into his 'big bed' and Gall bladder op

June - Ascot, Helen D's 40th at Kei's

July - Annual Harrods trip for bargains and eating!!, strawberry tea

August - Garden finished, stayed at Judith and Gerry's for a few days

September - Holiday even though it was a wet and windy Devon!! Finding out the cancer wasn't as bad as it could have been and being given the chance to have Herceptin

October - Weendy's birthday meal, Sally's 40th 'do', Paul and Janys over and Divas II in London

November - Party in Boro and staying up there a few days, winter wonderland day out with friends

December - Strictly Final round here with 'baby club' girls and of course Christmas with my family'

Lows of 2008 (not so many)

February - pain all month (gall bladder), Hearing that Julie and Jane J's Mum both have BC

March - Hearing that Nick (and Mandy) have to go through the same pain as us with all that a cancer diagnosis entails

May - repeat mammo and all the fear that stirs up

June - Being told I have cancer again

August - losing a breast (I'm still looking for it!!)

Apart from that not too bad a year really!!

First part of my year was good, apart from the mystery pain that turned out to be Gallstones (which resulted in my Gallbladder being removed at the end of May), had a scan in March and all looked ok..or so I thought.

Went along for a 'routine' mammogram and.....

Just wasn't prepared for the devastation of yet more cancer to deal with...I say devastation as that's what it is but it doesn't consume my whole days...when I do sit and think about what it all means I do get scared mainly for Jon and Jack, and those who I'll leave behind.

For now though...I intend to make the most of the things I have planned for 2009 and get through the rest of my treatments that at the moment finish in September.

So tonight Jack is at Grandma (Ma's) and Grandad's (Dada) and Jon and I are at Wendy and Guy's for an evening of food/drinks and I expect lots of laughs and maybe a few tears - that would from Wendy and Me!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my family and friends xx

See you in 2009!!

love Clare xx

I really dislike this time between Christmas and New Year....it's kind of no-mans land, food and drink to use up, an excuse to carry on eating/drinking...even though I know I shouldn't!!

I want to get on and get started with my resolutions and my main one is to lose all the weight I've put on since August. I know I say it every year but I'm now actually disgusted with the amount of weight I've piled on.

When I found out about my new diagnosis in June I just though 'what the F' I'll eat what I like...and so now I'm a stone and a half more than I was 4 months ago.

I have lots to look forward to in 2009....

Mum's 80th, Jack's 3rd, my 43rd!!, a holiday to Spain to see Paul and Janys and of course 'The Pink Ball'.

I will never forgive myself if I feel/look fat and have to 'make do' with a dress that I don't really like.

I'm going to follow the Slimming World eating plan again, I know it works if I stick at it, so today I made some batches of chilli/spag bol and some soups for lunchtime to give me a kick start.

When I saw the registrar a couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I don't get regular periods but when I do they are evil...well I have another, only 30 or so days after the last. I did talk about having the Zolodax injection but for some reason they keep putting me off and saying that it'll bring on the menopause and 'all that comes with it'.....I bet it's not as miserable as I'm feeling today!! Oh well lets hope that they are few and far between in 2009!! If not I will be asking for a solution!

Jack has been a joy to be with these last few days, really giggly and cuddly, not the misery he was when he had thet horrible cold and who could blame him it was really bad for him.

He's now going to bed on his own, we just read a story for him and that's it main light out (he has a Roary Car Go Glow Light) and door shut. He's even managed to last all night with just coming in at 6am the last few days..the best bit as I get to have big cuddles.

Really looking forward to New Year and to not having regrets next year that I had this year.....

love Clare xx

Christmas Day morning was just so lovely...not up too early at all 7am and I sort of nudged Jack awake!!

He opened a few smallish presents in bed with us and then we went downstairs for the bigun's...he got exactly what he asked for ...a drum, guitar and rocket. Lots of other things from family and friends that he loved too..especially a Peppa Pig Helicopter!!

Off to Judith and Gerry's at about 11.30am and Mum and Dad came with us, Christmas dinner as always was delicious and of course I ate far too much!!

Jack played with various toys all afternoon and was so good considering he hadn't had a sleep all day. He went up about 8pm and fell asleep after 2 stories from Daddy.

Boxing Day and even more food...lots of nice things, we were really spoilt.

We left at 7ish and expected Jack to fall asleep in the car...he didn't and has just gone up!

I didn't think about our situation much at all, what's the point in being sad when Jack is so happy, when he's happy everyone's happy...he's infectious!!

Hope to have a few days rest and recouperation from excess drink and food and prepare for New Year...where I shall have so many resolutions I'd better start writing them now!!!!

love Clare xx

Feel so much better now, the achey flu like symptoms have gone.

Quite tired due to lack of sleep, seem to have an extra little person in our bed most nights...it is lovely though to get to have big cuddles with a warm little man.

All ready for Christmas just a bit of last minute wrapping to do, mind you we are away Christmas Day and Boxing Day so not much to organise.

Had a really good night on Saturday, 5 lovely friends round for the 'Strictly' final...lots of laughs, drinking, food, secret santa, festive quiz (boy was that hard!!). Jon arrived home at 2am from his work 'do'....he didn't surface until 2pm on Sunday afternoon!! and still had a fuzzy head.

Spend nearly all last night trying to add a slideshow to my blog but it just kept adding it as a post so that's where it's going to have to stay for now....

So glad that I have no hosptial visits over Christmas and New Year...that worked out really well.

love Clare xx

So pleased that I now have somewhere to carry on my 'Waffling'...and only people that I want to read it can and those who do read it can post comments if they wish not because they feel they have to.

Have felt rubbish since Monday and think some of it may be due to the treatment as it can give 'flu like' symptoms.

Heard some bad/sad news this week in that my exhubby has bowel cancer...

I'm not sure how I should feel...part of me is sad as I don't want him to go through all that it entails and the other part of me feels bad for having any feelings where he's concerned at all, as we split in 1993 and have only seen each other twice since then.

This crap disease is so in your face all the time...I bet there isn't one person who doesn't know someone with cancer....grrr!

love Clare xx

Monday 15th December 2008

5th Herceptin

The usual rush to get Jack sorted and out of the house by 7.45am.

Got the hospital for 8.30am and let them know on West Ward that I was there, so they could 'order' my drugs.

Went downstairs to the Cancer Clinic and booked in there only to be told that although my appointment was at 9am the consultant would be ther until nearer 10am - grrr!!

Anyway, I was seen earlier by his registrar. She said the Echo results were fine and signed me off to have 4 more lots of treatment.

She examined me and said everything was ok. I told her about the pain in my side and she didn't seem too worried as she couldn't feel anything weong with my liver so she's arranging a CT scan for the end of Feb so that when I see the consultant next time the results of that and the next Echo will be with him.

Went back up to the chemo ward and expected to wait a while but was called straight in and started on by 10.15am.

Finished at 12.30 and was back at Mum and Dad's by 12.45am.

Jack was poorly today and had slept most of the morning, so I took advamtage of that and whilst he was sleeping again in the afternoon I went for a lay down...for 2hrs!!

So next one after New Year - Monday 5th and then swapping to Tuesdays from then on.

love Clare xx