After my last post about being fed up I've 'had a word' and got back on SW 100%.

Had a lovely day today cooking with Wendy, we managed 4 recipies in all and shared the proceeds!!

For some reason, and I think I may know a small part of it.....I am extremely happy at the moment.  

I belong to a forum for BC 'sufferers' and sometimes it's just so upsetting to join in on there...I belong to the secondaries forum and we have a couple of very poorly women who aren't doing very well at the moment..

To be honest I've not been on there much at all and when I have I've skipped through the posts...

I know what's going to happen to me eventually (if the proverbially bus doesn't get me first) and I really don't need to live through someone else's suffering in a way that I may well suffer...

The forum is fantastic for info on treatment and trails available but sometimes a bit miserable for everyday mutterings...I shall leave it for a while as I love this lifted mood I'm in...

Obviously it's not just that that's making me smile...not sure what it is...but I'll have some more please...

Love Clare xx

Oh I'm so fed up with myself....

I really would like to lose 14lbs and am struggling big time with it.  I know what to do and how to do it it's just putting it in practice.

When you get told by 'medics' that you have a limited life expectancy, I know no one knows when the grim reaper will turn up but being told that in all probability you may not live another 5yrs the thought process changes and I then go on to think I should be able to enjoy what I like and not bother about watching what I eat....I do that and end up putting weight on.

I know the medication I take is renound for changing metabolism and I'm also being thrown in to the menopause un-naturally.

What can I do to get my head round this 'dieting' block that I've got?  I hate the thought of having more chemo, losing my hair again and ballooning like I did last time with the steroids.

I'm just so fed up think I'll eat some cake!!  You think I'm joking.....Jon has just cut me a slice of Porter Cake...yummmm.....

I will get this 14lbs off and by Christmas.....hopefully Christmas 2009, if not maybe 2010.....

Love Clare xx

My brother-in-law found this in the free newspaper 'Metro'

Despite the development of many newer drugs, tamoxifen -- which prevents tumors from being fuelled by the sex hormone estrogen -- has still remained the gold standard in treating hormone sensitive tumors.

According to the study published in Cancer Research, the long-term use of the common breast cancer drug places the consumer at an increased risk of developing a more aggressive, difficult-to-treat tumor.

Tamoxifen lowers the reoccurrence risk of estrogen-positive breast cancers by 60%.

It, however, increases the risk of developing a second ER negative (estrogen receptor negative) tumor in the opposite breast by 440%.

Scientists urged women to continue taking the medication despite the findings of their study, adding that the odds of developing a second tumor is very low in these individuals. 

So do I think I'm one of the unlucky ones and had been taking Tamoifen for 18mths when my 2nd harder to treat tumour appeared in the opposite breast?

Can I really have been that unlucky to be taking a drug to help my liver and lung tumours and ended up having a mastectomy?

Two questions I will never know the anwser to....

I'm still taking Tamoxifen - should I continue, what would my consultant say I wonder (I will be asking on my next clinic appointment), they always seem to brush these sorts of things to one side as they hate to be challenged on the treatment they are giving....

Something else to think about on top of everything else....

Love Clare xx

 

Herceptin treatment - have given up counting what number I'm on.....

Jack normally stays at Grandma and Grandad's the night before treatment day so I can get a move on in the morning...last night he stayed here and low and behold he had a sleep in this morning!!

Anyway that's by the by and we managed to get to G & G's by 8am, so I could get to the hospital and park before all the spaces went!

I 'booked in' on West Ward in the hope that they'd 'order' my treatment then, no....they wouldn't (or should I say the receptionist wouldn't **see below!!) until I had the 'ok' from clinic that my heart scan was ok and the treatment card signed off....

Met up with a lady called Fiona who I've met a few times before and we exchanged health updates...thankfully neither of us had anything to report.

I have to put some numbing cream on where my port is and it's not easy ....well it is but not for me! I managed to get through 3 sticky dressings as missed the target twice and the cream splodged out over my top...nice!!

Having managed to do that I went downstairs to clinic...and waited...and waited...my appointment was at 9.30am and a friend of mine had her appointment at 9.50am...she managed to get seen before me and we both laughed at the the system down there only to be told my blinkin' treatment card had gone walk-abouts, I swear it has legs as it's always getting lost!

Dr Charlton was....on holiday (again) surprise surprise!! I saw a lovely registrar called Kate who was extremely thorough, which sometimes isn't the case with Dr C. She suggested a CT scan before my next clinic appointment in November and bloods too, did a thorough examination of my chest and neck nodes and checked my liver - which she couldn't feel, gosh I was sure I had one!!

I questioned whether I was staying on Herceptin indefinitely and she said they initially thought a year would be good but seeing as I had a good scan result in February it must be doing some good so they'll keep me on it at least until I've had the next scan. If my tumours are on the move then they'll take me off it and have a re-think....

After a heart scan they give me the results and also put them on my notes...well the one time I forgot to take my copy they hadn't put them on the file, so that caused a bit of delay..

I had a good chat to her about how I feel when people question my illness...and what I mean by that is someone was shocked that I had been given ill health retirement and more or less implied I was cheating the system as I look well etc.... I said to her that it's so difficult with BC as it's not a major organ that's diseased it doesn't make you look ill or be unable to function properly unlike bowel, colon or lung cancer.

Also the one thing that really pee's me off is people saying 'oh you'll be ok' - well I bloody well won't! That isn't being negative it's being honest and a fact!

She got quite cross that I was having to hear these comments and said that we both know there is something major going on in the background and you only have to spend a day at the Cancer Centre to realise it's not all plain sailing...

We had a good chat about it all and I felt so much better for it.

It was so nice to have a chat about how I felt in my head rather than than the usual 'are you feeling ok with the treatment' sort of chat.

Back upstairs for 10.30am and my treatment was ordered...would be up about 12noon!!

They were so busy today as they were short staffed and I didn't actually get called in until 1pm..

All ok with the treatment and I was free to go at 3pm..

** asked the staff nurse if I show my heart scan results to her next time can they get on and order my treatment before I go to clinic....answer...most probably!!

So all in all a good session today...just hope the scan date comes through and I don't have to do the chasing for it

Love Clare xx

A year ago tomorrow I had my left breast removed....has it effected me ...yes and no...

The actual look of the scar and surrounding area doesn't bother me at all...it was a body part that was infected by a hideous disease and had to go...

...what does is the fact that it's so difficult to find bras that are any good, I desperately want to scream when I'm in Marks and Spencer/John Lewis...I want to shout out to anyone that will listen that it's not all about pretty pink/blue/purple size 36b's...there are some of us that have extreme difficulty find even a bog standard white bra that I can fit my rather large prosthetic boob into.

I hate the fact that I can't just go in and buy any top I like.....I have to try them on to make sure the neckline is ok and it's not to low that it'll show the hollow in my chest....

One year on ....It's not as hard as I thought it would be.

love Clare xx

After a year in the planning, Wendy's 'madcap' idea of holding a 'Pink Summer Ball' was pulled off in magnificent style.

It was held at the Calcot Hotel and the room was fantastic, so much work had gone into it by Wendy , Lesley and Sara.

140 people all there for one cause.... to raise money for Breast Cancer Care.

The food was lovely, drink flowed and all the women looked lovely and the men scrubbed up well too!

On arriving at the hotel we booked in and I was given a lovely bouquet of flowers from Wendy, Sara and Lesley...they are so thoughtful and kind.

I had my make up done by Amy and Katy, it looked fab and so professional. Jon looked fab in his DJ too..

When I got to our table there was an envelope at my place setting....a lovely card with lovely words from my best friend...made me very emotional..

Wendy got up to do a 'thank you' speech and again said some lovely words which made me all teary again...

The dancing started and the band were great...Rock 'n' roll, disco after and lots more to drink!!

I had such a wonderful time with wonderful people.

The evening ended at 2am when Jon and I finally gave in and staggered back to our room!!

I'm extremely lucky to have such lovely family and friends....

Love Clare xx

That's it.....

Went in to work today to do things officially...

My employment has been terminated after 3yrs of being off 'sick'.

I had 4 options to chose from and really it was a no brainer (well I thought it was anyway):-

1. No work no pay but keep pension and benefits
2. Go back to work
3. Be dismissed on grounds of being incapable of doing the job
4. be dismissed on ill health grounds and take ill health early retirement- subject to the application being approved by the Pension Trustees

It's all signed and has been sent off and I was officially retired from 1 May 2009.

Without the help of my 1st line and 2nd line managers I doubt it would have ever been sorted out. They have been 'on the case' since last June!! as they knew that it needed to be sorted by the end of April this year...only 3mths late but it was worth the wait...(it was all very complicated due to a Company takeover last April)

Now I am free to enjoy Jack (and of course Jono) without the worry of work hanging over my head.

So thanks to Spencer and Clive for sticking up for me and ensuring I was treated fairly and getting a result that I am extremely happy with.

Love Clare xx

Finally been given the go ahead to take ill health early retirement...

Spoke to the Pru who need to send me new pension quotes and then said it would take 10 working days...are there really that many people retiring from the Pru that it takes 10 days to get a quote out??? - I don't think so as most of the now work for Capita....silly woman even asked if I was still wanting quotes under ill health retirement...Felt like saying "no I've made a miraculous recovery from an illness that your Trustees deemed bad enough to grant me ill health retirement"

At this rate I'll either be an OAP or dead before it's all sorted out!!

Have to go in to see my manager next week so hoping we have some figures to work on by then.

love Clare xx

Had a lovely time in Spain....

Jack really enjoyed his first plane trip, so much so he fell asleep about 5mins after take off!!

Arrived at Malaga, greeted by the car hire rep and taken to the car...all quick and painless...sat nav programmed and off we went...

Ihr 20mins later we were sat outside a bar with Paul and Janys having a beer or two!!

On to their house and to unpack.

The changes they've made to the house are really great, new bathroom in the upstairs house, new kitchen in the downstairs house and lots of different bits and pieces to make it really Spanish and homel...oh and of course Sky for British television!!

Had a very lazy week really, a couple of trips to the beach, a visit to Gibraltar to get cheap(ish) booze and a lovely afternoon spent at Janys and Paul's friends enjoying their jacuzzi, pool and proper Spanish paella.

My diet wasn't really scuppered as I had a mouth full of ulcers for most of the week so couldn't eat or drink as much as I would have liked - think I only put on about 3lbs.

Jack was good all week and only had one meltdown moment on the last day (possibly due to too many late nights and the heat).

Back home now and back to normality...

Looking forward to Oasis next Saturday and 'The Pink Ball' the Saturday after....

Love Clare xx

15th Herceptin

Today I had my treatment, a few days early as I didn't really want to have it done the day before we went on holiday.

The port I had fitted last week was accessed successfully by the vascular nurse (Esme). It really hurt though, as it was still healing I couldn't have the Emla cream applied to numb it and Esme had to press down hard on the port to determine what length needle to use. Once the skin was pierced it didn't hurt at all.

I sat there all the time hands free and it was excellent as I didn't have to worry about a canula getting in the way.

I also opted out of having piriton as that makes me so sleepy. I survived with no reaction so won't need to have piriton again.

Finished off the session being armed with spare needles, Emla cream and dressings...

So glad I had it done. Only thing I have watch is if I don't have any treatment for 4 weeks for whatever reason it has to be flushed out...there was mention of teaching me how to do it!!

Love Clare xx

Today I was fitted with my port....but very nearly wasn't!!

The port was ordered from Belgium and when it arrived yesterday morning apparently it looked like someone had sat on it!!

Another was re-ordered and delivered to the Bard rep in Oxford this morning and she drove it down to Reading for them for this afternoon...

I had to starve from 9.30am no mean feat seeing as I scoff all day usually!!

Dropped Jack off at Sinead's, as it was Mia's birthday treat this afternoon at Madhouse (soft play)...

Got to the hospital at 12.45 and realised as we were halfway there I'd forgotten my book - drat

Was told to sit in the 'Intervention waiting area' where there was not one magazine in sight not even one from yesteryear!!

Went through to the X-ray room at 1.45 (a tad late but hey ho!!)..canulated up for the sedation, ECG pads on and marked up with a black marker. Sheila the nurse specialist who was doing the procedure started to sing the Umpla Lumpa song and orange iodine was spread VERY liberally on my neck/shoulder and right side of chest...

I was given sedation and was so disappointed as I thought I'd be in a state of wooziness...but nothing happened...well I thought not but apparently I went to sleep...as I said the sedation did nothing for me and Esme the nurse who was administering it said well it's 3.50pm and you've been drifting in and out of sleep!!

I could feel them routing around by my neck and pressing on the port to get it under the skin but it didn't hurt.

As I was stitched up, I could feel it but as I'm rock hard said it was ok and didn't need anymore local anesthetic...glue went on next and then I was unhooked and sat up for a while to regain my bearings.

I was given a load of gumph and a special needle to take with me when I next have a CT scan as they will need to use this instead of the 'bog standard' ones.

After a lovely much needed cup of tea I waited for Jon to come and get me.

There were no dressings on either cut but the port cut started to bleed a little at the end so I now have a dressing on it and can take it off tomorrow.

Started taking Arnica tablets last week and will carry on next week in the hope that it will minimise the bruising...and taking Ibroprofen/paracetamol for the pain and any inflammation.

So next Friday will be the first time it will be used -fingers crossed it's all ok.

All in all a 'strange' experience but much needed to ease the discomfort of nurses trying to find veins everytime I need treatment.

Love Clare xx

14th Herceptin

Another 3 weeks have passed by and I was back at the hospital today. Had my 3 monthly appointment with the consultant this morning only he wasn't there (as usual), so I saw the lady oncologist who is rather brusque...but I quite like that.

Waited over an hour to been seen and was in the room for a total of approx 4mins!!...must be a record!!

She said my heart function was ok and that I could go ahead and have the treatment, when I said that I had already booked my next (and last heart scan) she said that I was going to be on Herceptin for the foreseeable future. Which for me is excellent news.

Off I went and reported upstairs, only to be told I was down on the list for tomorrow!! I do normally go on a Tuesday except for the times I have to see my consultant as his clinic is only on Monday mornings...he had forgotten to change the date on my treatment card -doh!!

The receptionist managed to persuade pharmacy to make up my drugs for today but they said it would be approx 3hr wait. So I went into town and did a bit of shopping.

They are so good considering they're so busy they even rang my mobile to let me know that the drugs were ready when I was.

Now for the exciting bit (well exciting to me anyway!!)

On Friday 12th June I'm having a Power Port fitted - no more fiddling around trying to find veins. It's a brand new design that can also deliver contrast dyes for CT scans at the right pressure.

It's done under sedation and takes approx 2hrs.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Port-a-Cath

I'll be the first at our hospital to have one of the 'power' ones fitted. There are only 34 others in total who have a port and at a cost of around £3k I'm not surprised.

So when others are moaning about the treatment they get at our hospital I have nothing but praise,they really are looking after me and doing what's best for me. it doesn't always go smoothly but that's life...nothing ever does!!

Love Clare xx

3yrs ago today I was diagnosed with primary and secondary breast cancer...

Considering in the report my consultant did for my employers a couple of weeks ago he said my prognosis (without responding to treatment) was 8mths...I reckon that's pretty good going!

Talking of reports...after my employers pestered me to hassle my consultant for the report they now say that the Trustees of the Pension scheme aren't meeting until 30th June....so I have now been paid my last sick pay and have no more 'pay days' until I can start taking my pensions (and even that's assuming they give the go ahead).

I can't even decided what to take from my frozen pension as it all depends what Capita will or will not offer me....

My 1st and 2nd line managers are furious about this but apparently the trustees only meet twice a year and nothing they do or say can speed it up!!

Anyway not an anniversary for celebration really just glad to have got this far -phew!!

Love Clare xx

Yippee!!!

I've finally managed to shift a stone in weight, took a while mind you but that's because I kept straying and thinking half a bag of crisps/one biscuit/ a few nuts/ some sweets wouldn't do any harm...

Last week from Wednesday morning until I got weighed last night I stuck to the 'rules' and lost 3lb. To say I was chuffed is an understatement. So my plan is to do it again this week!!

I went out Saturday for a friends Hen 'do' and did feel that I was a bit of a party pooper by offering to drive and also not fully indulging in the curry. I had a biryiani, one poppadom and some diet cokes..yes I wanted a starter/naan bread/side dishes and a few bacardi and cokes but once the table was clear and the food eaten or taken away the feeling of want had gone.

Did it do me any harm...not in the least. I woke up on Sunday feeling fresh and not hungover and very pleased that I hadn't given in.

My reward was 3lbs off and that feels so much better than a bloated stomach due to too much curry!!

Ive got 12lbs or so to my target so it's doable and I hope to lose more by the time I we go to Spain so I can relax a little bit and enjoy good food and wine.

Love Clare xx

13th Herceptin

Another 3 weeks have flown by and I had my 13th treatment today. All going ok except the fact that yet again it took two attempts to get the canula in.

The nurse who was doing it said I should speak to my consultant about having a portacath put in as it would make it so much easier. My oncologist has said that if I had to have more chemo I would need something doing whether it be a portacath/pic line or hickman line.

I got up to leave today and said the lady next to me that I wouldn't see her next time as I have to swap days and the time after that swap again due to my holiday...we then realised that the next time we'll see each other is in July - very scary indeed, where have the months gone?

Diet is going ok, trying to be good but it's so hard to keep up and I only lost half a pound this week. I have 6 weeks until my holiday so I need to lose some weight as I'm bound to put on whilst I'm there.

Not much going on really, have had a pension quote from The Pru and am waiting to see if Capita can manage to get their act together...or indeed tell me if they will give me ill-health retirement!!

Will try and update more frequently but it's so hard to write posts about nothing really...but that's good as I don't want to have things to write about really...does that make sense??

Love Clare xx

I now have my consultants report for my employers....not I might add until I'd pestered his poor secretary until I think she was ready to resign!!!

He only took 7 weeks to do it...apparently that is good going!!

Got the news on Friday that he'd done the draft and sent it to me for my consent to send off.....Nothing had arrived by yesterday so his secretary said I could go in and pick up another copy.

I collected it this morning and all looked and read ok....except my address. He'd used my old address from 2.5yrs ago and sent the original there!!!!

I expect the lady in my old house had a nice time reading all about my illness.

I just don't understand where he managed to dig that address up from as I get all my scan/echo etc letters to my new address.

Oh well at least the report has been done and will be faxed to Capita tomorrow.....wonder how long it will take them to decide if I qualify or not for Ill-health retirement.

Love Clare xx

Mixed feelings today....

Got up happy and had a good morning at playgroup with Jack.

Phoned the Pru pensions admin and they told me I've been accepted for ill-health retirement -yippee. Just have to hope Capita also decide the same. My consultant is dragging his feet where my medical report is concerned, I know I'm not his only patient but come on, 6 weeks ago he got the request!!

Back here for lunch and found and Email from Kate's neice Emma...I knew the email would tell me what I'd been dreading...Kate had passed away..for those that don't know she was a 'cyber' friend that I met through a forum for women with breast cancer 2.5yrs ago. When I joined the forum she sent me a private message welcoming me and we had quite alot in common, just little things but it warmed me to her and she was a huge support to me (albiet over the internet) when I was re-diagnosed last year. She was such a brave woman and fought to spend every last precious minute with her beloved family.

RIP Kate.

So happiness and sadness all in the space of 30mins...how strange life is.

love Clare xx

12th Herceptin

Haven't written here for a a while as I haven't had much to say (yeah I know that's unusual!!)

Had 2 extra Herceptin treatments since I last did a treatment update as I had to have a weekly dose and a two weekly dose after I was poorly at my 9th March session. Everything is ok again and it must just have been the fact that I was feeling rough to begin with.

Went for another Herceptin today and all went well. I normally have a sleep as soon as the drip starts as I get very dozy with the piriton they give me. Today I didn't sleep at all as I got chatting to another lady who was having the same treatment as me.

Consequently I was very tired this afternoon and laid on my bed with sunshine streaming through the window...lovely.

Have had a busy couple of weeks over Easter...Jon's sister Mandy, Nick, Olivia and Megan came to stay Easter Sunday for a couple of days and we had a lovely time. Jack loves his cousins being here and they all behaved themselves too!!

Jack had a go on the Wii but we won't be getting one soon as he's far too young (so say I)

The weather has been glorious this weekend and Jon has sorted all the plants in the garden and it's looking good.

Still haven't found a work surface that we both like....I won't compromise as it's something we have to look at everyday.

Diet is going well again after a couple of weeks gaining and losing a few lbs, back on track and am determind to get to my target by the end of June.

love Clare xx

What a week it's been so far and it's only Wednesday...First Mum's birthday, then Jack's, then mine...

Jack had a lovely birthday on Monday and took opening all his presents in his stride.

I got thoroughly spoilt today and have received lots of lovely presents from very generous family and friends.

Was at Mum and Dad's this afternoon and there was a ring on the bell so I went to answer the door and at first I didn't know who it was standing there...bugger me it was only Ray...he'd been to visit Sylvia and Dom and thought he'd pop into Mum and Dad's to see how I was doing!!

I haven't seen him for over 11yrs, of course I get to hear how he is through Ang and Hilary. Considering he's had bowel cancer he looked very well indeed and I'm not sure if it was a brave face or not but he seemed really positive now his chemo has been sorted out.

He's 'step' grandad to two little boys and seems to be enjoying life - I'm glad he is.

So another year older and one I thought I'd possibly not see 3yrs ago...how lucky I am that treatments seem to be working for me and I've been given so much more time with my gorgeous Jack and of course Jon.

Looking forward to the weekend as we have Mandy, Nick and the girls staying....

Love Clare xx

My wonderful Mum......80yrs old

What a lovely day I've had with my family over at Judith and Gerry's celebrating Mum's 80th birthday.

We got there about 11am so I could give Judith a hand with a few bits but she'd done most of it anyway.

Jack was entertained all day by his cousins playing football and he even went next door to play with the children there on their trampoline.

It was lovely to see Martin and Danuta and have a nice chat with them both.

Buffet was ready for 1pm and my goodness it was a very nice spread indeed...I ate far much more than I should have but hey..your Mum's only 80 once!!

We gave Mum a digital photo frame and had loaded a memory card with photos from each of us and a few special ones that I'd scanned and put on there for her from years back...here are a couple of them....


My Mum means the world to me and has done so much for me over the years and as far as I can remember she has never once raised her voice to any of us, has always been there to comfort me and laugh with me.....she is the most wonderful, loving, selfless mother anyone could wish for...and I was lucky as she's my Mum.


Love Clare xx

Why are things never straight forward??

Went into town yesterday to have a look at a dress for the ball in July....it wasn't really suitable for me so whilst I was in the mood I had a shop around...

Tried on several dresses and all looked pants on me! I just happened to be walking past Country Casuals (yes, I know...ha ha) and spotted a dress in there that looked perfect for me and it was in the sale, so I went in tried it on but it was too big (at last). They didn't have anymore so I left feeling deflated and thinking will I ever find a dress with a suitable neckline?

Got home rang CC customer services who gave me the name of stores who stocked the dress...the first one I rang in Henley had one in the size I wanted and they let me pay over the phone and they would post it to me.

It arrived today....tried it on and it fits like a treat..BUT I noticed all over the front there is red marker pen....grrr!!

I rang the shop and they were very apologetic and said to take it back for a refund...they didn't have another one.

I rang another couple of stores who didn't have my size either...beginning to think it was not meant to be and rang one more shop in Beaconsfield...yeah they had one and will send it to the store in Reading where I can exchange the other one.

So semi-happy about it will be very happy when I have the replacement hanging in my wardrobe.

Can't really fault the shops as they all tried their best to help me and the Henley manageress was so embarrassed...(red pen is what they use to mark down reductions)

So I will wait for the call to tell me it's there.

Love Clare xx

After a 4 week wait I finally have my scan results...

It took my consultants' sidekick (his registrar) - the lovely Dr Scott-Brown, 40mins though to track them down as I could hear him on the phone through the door!!....I was going to give him what for but didn't have to, he was giving the radiographers what for and he wasn't a happy man but it 1got a result for me.

All looks ok BUT...there is a 5mm nodule on my lung that they aren't sure if it's the same one that's been there before or a new one - work that out 'cos I can't!! - surely you just look at previous scans or is that too logical??

The scanner is brand new high tech and he thinks that it has just showed the original nodule up much clearer...Yes, you've guessed...we'll keep our eye on it and re-scan in a few months time.

I had a bit of a reaction last time I had Herceptin and they've decided to give me 3 weekly doses once a week for the next 3 weeks together with steroids (urgh!!) and if there's no reaction then I can go back to 3 weekly doses (without steroids) I did admit that I'd been feeling poorly the night before the last treatment and think I may just have been dehydrated and not 100%...hopefully that was the reason and not an allergic reaction.

I did mention to him that I need 2 health reports doing and that my consultant's secretary said she'd pinned the medical request to the front of my file....registrar said the best place to pin the request was to my consultant's forehead!!! - looks like I'll be chasing that too...grr!

My appointment there today was 10.10am, went into one of the side rooms at 10.40am (30mins late not bad really)...got out of there at 11.40am and the look on people's faces when I walked out of the door...I, for once, was the one who took ages!!

Love Clare xx

Since my diagnosis I've been in a long term sick scheme through my employers. (I didn't ask to go in to it they automatically did it for me).The scheme runs for 2 years and my 2 yrs are up on 23rd April..I have the chance to apply for ill-health retirement under the Company I am now employed by (Capita) and to apply to my previous employers to take my frozen pension (Prudential - Capita took us over last April)

I have had a letter from my old employers saying their requirements and how much per annum my pension will be.
My current employers won't give any indication of the amount I may receive if it's granted and to be honest it's really worrying me...

At present I get 65% wage and incapacity benefit which I presume will have to be given up if I take IHR..I can't understand why they won't let me know how much I'll get as they must know how much I'll get.

I'm also very miffed that I should have been given the chance to take IHR when they put me into the Long Term sickness scheme, as my previous employers enhance the pension to normal retirement age...but alas it's now frozen so only get 20yrs service worth instead of 39yrs...

Again my current employers won't indicate what enhancement, if any is applied..and unfortunately under TUPE a pension isn't counted like other Terms and Conditions.

I'm seeing my consultants on Monday and know that he's already had the request for a medical report as his secretary said she's pinned it to he front of my notes for him. She said I should press him to make it urgent as she's still chasing a report that he had in November - if it takes 6 months to sort out I'll be so annoyed.

If I was still employed by Prudential they would have it all sorted by now and have been thoroughly professional...BUT...I'm now employed by Capita and they haven't a clue!!

Even if I get accepted for IHR I don't have to take it but knowing the figures would help...

I have been given the options of:

• Go back to work - even though there is no job for me now as all our work has been migrated to Mumbai! - (I was offered redundancy 2 yrs ago but declined)
• Stay employed on a no work no pay basis - that way I get to keep my death in service
• Take IHR (if they think I qualify for it after getting medical reports)

So not really much choice but to hope the Trustees of the Pension scheme agree that I can take it and then that the figures are ok.

Scary times....

Love Clare xx

Most of you know that I like food well last night we were invited to a surprise dinner party for Hilary's 40th...it was fantastic!! I would say it was the best food I have ever tasted.

Hilary's husband Kev had arranged 'Chef at Home' to come in and cook for us, he'd told Hilary that he was cooking for her...how he kept it secret I'll never know!


We got there at 7pm and waited anxiously for Hilary to arrive with Laura (who'd taken Hilary out for a drink to get her out of the way).


She arrived and had no idea...was totally surprised to see a French chef in her kitchen and then she came into the lounge and was surprised to see Julie, Ian, Jono and me sat there!


The eating started with Canapes - Blinis with soured cream, smoked salmon and caviar and crispy duck crepes washed down with Champagne!


Into the dining room to take our seats...Kev had even brought new table lined etc and it looked lovely.


Starter: Belly of Pork served with a honey and apple salad, apple chutney and crackling

Main course: Fillet of beef served with wild mushrooms, potato rostis, green beans, baton carrots, baby leeks, and a Madeira sauce - the steak was cooked to perfection.
Dessert: Creme brule, with strawberries and pistachio nut tuile

Loads of wine was drunk and we all had a lovely time..eating drinking and laughing!

We got home about 2am....I remember getting in the front door but after that it's all a blur!!

Jack was at Grandma and Grandad's last night so Jono and I were treated to a lie-in until midday - heaven!

Love Clare xx

So flippin' annoyed...

Rang Dr Charlton's secretary today to see what's going on with getting my scan results. She is going to chase them for me as good old Dr Charlton is away at a conference for a week!!

I had a letter from HR and they say they've written to Dr C for a report to see if I qualify for Ill-health retirement...just hope he's not as slow with getting that done as chasing my scan results!!

On a 'happier' note Jack had a fab time at pre-school today, they had a fun hair day and he went with his hair spiked up and sprayed red...
He thinks he's having it done again tomorrow....think again Jack!!

Love Clare xx

9th Herceptin

What a huge let down today was....

Didn't start very well either, Jack stayed at Mum and Dad's so I only had myself to get ready this morning and could get a good nights sleep...no such luck I was up about 4/5 times in the night feeling really sick.

I got up at 7am and was sick and then the diarrhoea kicked in!! I actually thought it might be because I was anxious/nervous of getting my scan results.

Got to the hospital and booked in on West Ward for my Herceptin and then went back downstairs for my appointment with the consultant.

He was only running 30mins late so that was a bonus!! He did the usual examination and when I said what were the results of my scan he said "what scan" I said I'd had a CT scan 10 days ago and he said he'd go and have a look on the computer. He came back and said that the results weren't there but he'd ring the radiologist and chase them up for me and ring me.

I was a bit surprised that they weren't there as a lady who had her scan 10mins after me had her results today.

Bloods I had done at the end of January were good so at least that's something.

I went back up to West Ward and they saw me straight away. All going well and I felt ok after the sickness earlier. Then just after an hour into treatment I felt really bad...clammy, shaky and really faint. I called one of the nurses who got me a fan and she stopped my treatment right away. They got me a bed to lay on in a side room and did my OBs..blood pressure was really low and I was still very shaky.

When something like happens they have to call one of the Drs to come. The Dr that came up said that before I had my next treatment I should see my consultant again to see what he suggests. I have an appointment on 23rd March.

I had to stay there longer than normal just to make sure I was ok to drive home.

I reckon I felt ill because I wasn't feeling 100% and I think I know what caused it....I had a Hartleys low calorie jelly, the pot was a bit sticky but the lid was intact...it wasn't until I washed up the pot this evening to put in the recycling that I noticed the bottom was cracked...I bet anything I got a bit of food poisoning from that - grrr!!

So a pretty pants day. Except for Wendy popping over after work to see me and help get Jack ready for bed.

Love Clare xx

Yesterday I felt totally exhausted (emotionally)...

I got a phone call at 8.30am to say one of my friend's Mum had died, I was then asked to phone another friend and I made such a hash of the call..what an idiot!! Still the message got through but I could have delivered it better...

I also had a visit from my boss to sort out what's happening with me after 23rd April as that's the date my Long Term Sick scheme comes to an end... I want to take Ill-health retirement and he can't see why I shouldn't so he's arranging a phone call from Occupational Health to assess whether I can apply or not. I can also apply to my previous emplyers to take my frozen pension but I have to sort all that out myself...can see that taking ages!!

I just hope they phone before Monday as I'm seeing my consultant on Monday and if I need anything from him then I can ask him then.

I was a bit disappointed to not have any figures to get an idea of how we'll be financially as we could potentially lose half of our income just like that.

Slimming World was disapointing last night too as I put on 1.5lbs and was so annoyed with myself..BUT today I'm back on it and will lose the 1.5 and more by next week....did I just say that??!!

Jack was sick just as I was about to go and get weighed, not sure what was wrong but he'd been saying he had tummy ache all afternoon.

Went into town today to spend some of my vouchers I got from Prudential for 20yrs service...I got some lovely Joseph Joseph chopping boards, a cute bin for the bathroom and a herb mill. Treated Jack to some sunglasses as he's always moaning that the sun is in his eyes, a t-shirt and a pull-back car. Oh and a Tom an Jerry DVD as he loves them...it was only £3!!

Made a lovely veg chilli this afternoon but it's becoming increasingly difficult to cook anything on the hob as only one ring works proprly now...must make more of an effort to get a new cooker.

love Clare xx

I said I'd post pics of the finished bathroom...here they are: from this..... to this.... The plumber came back today with the bath panel that we were waiting for he fitted that and did the mastic around the sink, floor and window...

Just have to wait to get the bill now!!

love Clare xx

A full CT scan today with the lovely barium drink to check my neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis. They only have one scanner at the moment, a super duper state of the art thing...1st in the country so I've been told and another is on it's way (think it was BOGOF!!!)

BUT...it doesn't help the radiographers to get the cannula in!!

I had one in the crook of my arm and it was flapping about a bit but it was taped down and they carried on..

Got to the bit where they inject whatever it is they inject and the cannula flew out!!....scan had to be stopped and a Dr had to be called to find another suitable vein...

One was found on the upper side of my arm just below the elbow....ouch!!!

So the scan was re-started and all went ok....I am now sporting 3 lovely bruises. 5 hours on and it's still swollen all around the elbow. Thought I'd take a picture to show you all - lol

Here it is against my other arm...

Anyway, I have to wait until 9 March for the results....I'm not that worried (just a smidgen) as what's the point.... what will be will be...hummmm.... after my routine mammo last year turned into a mastectomy and more treatment perhaps I shouldn't be so flippant.

Roll on 9th March - I'm ready for you!!

Love Clare xx