Hair falling out by the handful...but hey that's ok I knew it was going to happen..

Trying to hold on to it for as long as I can before I succumb to the razor!

School holidays have begun and I really hope I can have some quality time with Jack and have some fun too.

I seem to have developed a cold ...thanks Mum!!

After next week when our visitors have gone I'm back on the healthy eating malarky.  It's no good using treatment as an excuse to scoff I really do want to get back to how I was 2yrs ago.

Looking forward to a week of feeling ok and then back on the watch for side effects after my treatment.

Love Clare xx

As this week has gone on I've been getting back to my normal self.  Even managed to clean the bathroom today something which last week would have been impossible.

Angela came to do my hair today and although we know I'll lose it soon I wasn't ready to have it all shaved just yet.

So she cut it really short for me and it looks great.  Only a matter of time before it goes as it's coming out in handfuls already.

If all goes well and I get a break from treatment like I did last time, I'll be on 'Operation Bob' as I loved having a bob, just hope I have enough time to grow it back how it was at the beginning of the year...will take about 18mths to get it how I want it..here's hoping I get that chance.

Love Clare xx

Feeling so much better now I've got over the 'worst' time (day7-14).  Next treatment cycle I will have a blank diary for those days and rest up.

Strawberry Tea yesterday and a great time was had by all, total raised just short of £500 which is fab.  It gets better every year.

I'm so glad I managed to get there as on Friday I was doubtful.  It was great to see friends from a far...Sharon, Lisa, Jane and Liz.  Just wish I'd had a bit more energy to have talked all afternoon to them but wasn't at my best...I'm sure they'll forgive me.

Today I got a new laptop!!  I have wanted one for ages but couldn't really justify it but Jon said he thought I deserved one so off we went and I am now the proud owner of a lovely new one...not a re-jigged one that I've used for the last 5yrs swapping bits from one laptop to the other...a brand spanking new one!

A quiet week next week and then Sunday Paul is over - yippee!

Love Clare xx

Jon was off today so was on the school run.

I had a lay in until 10.30am.  Got myself ready and went with Jon to pick Jack up.

Popped into the Drs on the off chance of an appointment either today or Monday and they juggled the appointments round and I got seen within 10mins of arriving.

I now have a super duper mouthwash and some antibiotic suspension (that tastes delish).  I'm hoping that the soreness goes soon as it's that that's making me feel miserable.

I still have no voice well a sort of rasping squeak!

Paul has booked a flight to come over on Sunday 25th for 4 days, how fab is that?!

Love Clare xx

I've done virtually nothing all day.

Took Jack to school in the car and back again.

Layed on the sofa all afternoon with Jack watching tv/dvd's and doing jigsaws.

I can't actually speak at the moment (throat not sore just can't talk!) and have ulcers on the back of my tongue, I ache all over and have a rash under my boob!

It can only get better as they say.

Feel a right whinger.

love Clare xx

When you're feeling a bit rough there is nothing better than receiving a surprise through the post.

I am now the proud owner of Elise - she is a hand made amigurumi Elephant, made by a very clever lady who I have 'met' through an internet forum.

Thank you Aisha for making my day it was so thoughtful and kind of you...and all the way from France too!

love Clare xx

I'm at my lowest immune time right now and am so tired still.

I have virtually lost my voice for some inexplicable reason and telling Jack off has been fun I can tell you. 

Doesn't quite have the same impact squeaking at him.

I had to drive Jack to school this morning, something which I hate doing but I just couldn't bring myself to walk there and back.  Nearly fainted when I walked up there yesterday.  My back was hurting and I have been suffering from diahrrea this week.

I've made a chart of each day and any side effects/symptoms I'm having as they'll ask me at the hospital when I go next and I'll only forget.

One side effect I'm not enjoying one bit is that everything I eat tastes of salt, just like I've eaten a bag of ready salted crisps...yes, even chocolate tastes of salt.

I can't really remember how I felt on the last chemo, 4yrs ago is a long time!  I'm sure I didn't feel this crap, but Jon was at home helping, Jack was a baby asleep most of the day and I could just rest.  It's all very different having to get up go to school, run around after Jack etc. Roll on the school holidays.

So not having a brilliant week so far but not as bad as some have it.

Love Clare xx

Oh lovely rain, such a welcome sight after the heat we've had.

How pants do I feel?

Not even sure it's totally the treatment that's making me feel like this.  Just have no energy at all this week.

I have an irritated throat (a poss side effect) and it's making me miserable as it aches and is making my ears ache too.  Good job I can take painkillers.

Managed to walk Jack to school this morning but all I wanted to do was collapse when I got there.  One of the childminders that I have become friendly with offered to collect Jack and take him home with her for lunch (also gets to play with his friend Megan a bit longer).  I did have a think about it as I'm not really one to give in but she could see that I was knackered.

I managed to get 2hours of lovely sleep in which revived me a bit.

Rang the hospital to ask about having my broken tooth fixed.  It's a no go this week but if I feel ok then next week I can have it done. Just a good job it's not painful at all. I am going on Wednesday and see if my dentist can file down the sharp edge that's catching on my tongue.

So all in all a bit of a misery this weekend. I will endeavour to cheer up as the week goes on!

Love Clare xx

Here I am at 4am downstairs wide awake but feeling extremely tired.  Now that may not make sense but its how I feel.

I have been lying in bed since 1.30am tossing and turning.  I have a sore tongue where it's been rubbing on my chipped tooth, a dry throat, blocked nose and very slight upper body pain. 

Of course I've been lying there with all sorts going through my head.  Is this the beginning of the end, what if the chemo doesn't work, how bad is the progression in my chest, what is that liver tumour up to and most of all I fear that even if the chemo does work to an extent I probably won't be lucky enough to have another 4yrs of good quality of life (which is basically what I've had since diagnosis). 

I just feel whacked out and a bit scared at the moment.

Sunday is going to be a very lazy day for me I'm afraid, my brain feels like it can't function at the moment.

I'm hoping with some cooler weather on the way and further on into the treatment cycle I might start to feel a bit more human again and stop these horrible thoughts going through my head.

Love Clare xx

Last day of steroids for this treatment cycle.

Couldn't come quick enough, if I have another night of laying wide awake I'll scream. The heat isn't doing any favours either.  I feel very tired but can't seem to slow down at all.

One 'side-effect' and it's possibly the steroids (I have done a bit of googling) is that I have horrendous indigestion/heartburn after everything I eat. Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love my food and it's torture!!

I'm hoping it'll peter out now I've taken the last one...3/4 months of that would be unbearable. Out came my Gaviscon tablets last nice. Not that they did much good.

Mind you we've just been to MacDonalds and I had a Chicken Legend salsa, so I really only have myself to blame for the burning sensation I'm now feeling. 

Just ordered a coffee table and brought a mirror for the lounge, saw a nice dining table and chairs too that we'll measure up for and go and get later if it fits - nearly all sorted downstairs..next year bring on the loft conversion!!

Here's hoping for a better night's sleep (I'd be grateful for an hour at a time) and the end to indigestion for this cycle.

Love Clare xx

Two days into Taxotere and I'm feeling fine..

That could all change after the steroids wear off, I have 2 to take tomorrow and 1 on Saturday.

Been running around like a loon, shopping, ironing, cleaning, tidying up etc.  It won't last long I assure you!

It was Jack’s 1^st sports day today and I was so proud of him, he really looked like he was enjoying himself and put every effort into it.  Just so lovely to see.  When I put him to bed this evening I told him how proud I was of him and how much I enjoyed watching him enjoy himself.

Planning on a pretty lazy weekend.  Going to see if we can find a nice mirror and picture for the lounge.  Jack is at a party and Sunday will be a day of relaxing all round as Jon will be glued to the box...F1 and World Cup Final - come on Spain!

I did manage to chip a lump of tooth off whilst eating a polo - grrr!  Dentist next Weds but not sure whether to go or not as will be in my low immune time and I'm sure you're not supposed to have any dental work whilst on chemo let alone at that time. Will phone the chemo ward to ask their advice.

So for now all is good with me.  May have a different update next week.

Love Clare xx

First of 6 doses of Taxotere today.

Got to the hopsital as usual at 8.30am. 

Got called through at 9.10am and went through all the gumph with Tracy (chemo nurse), she talked all through the side effects and what to do to try and ease them if I get them.

She gave me my tablets and made sure I understood how many to take when. The steroids (Dexamethsone) are to be taken 2 twice daily (breakfast/lunch) for the first 2 days and then 1 twice daily for 1 day and then 1 at breakfast for the last day...I'll need a tick chart at this rate!!

I also have Domperidone anti-sickness tablets that I can take if I start to feel nauseous.  Let's hope the entire box of them stays intact!

She asked me how I feel about it all and if there were any questions or concerns.  My only concern (well my main one) is that if I get bad side effects I won't be able to look after Jack properly. We'll get to that when we need to/if we need to.

She asked if I had spoken to jack about my treatment and I said I had, he obviously doesn't know what cancer is but I've told him that I go to the hospital as I'm poorly (even if I don't look it) and that I'm having some new medication that will make my hair fall out.  Did I get any sympathy from him?  No he just asked if I was going to turn into a boy!

I did get upset at one point, lost my guard and tears fell only for a millisecond as I soon remembered mascara and the like doesn't look good on your cheeks.  The reason I was upset was I was really hoping to get through 2010 chemo free and nearer the 5 year mark next year since my last lot of chemo.

My port was accessed and off we went - saline solution with Dexamethasone, anti sickness drug and then the Big Boy (Taxotere) who is hopefully going to see off the buggers for a while.

That took about 90mins and then all change for my usual Herceptin which again was 90mins.

They were so busy by the time I was finishing and the staff were so stressed.  Two were 'arguing' over a seat and pump.  It was so funny and the bloke next to me was hoping for a fight!!

I got up to leave and both the nurses told their patient to take a seat, fastest first I reckon, I didn't hang about to see the aftermath!

Popped to Boots after to get a new thermometer as I can't find the one I used last time.  Oh it's prob with the bag of scarves that I can't find either, you watch they'll all turn up the week I finish chemo!

When I got home I had a package through the door from my neighbour with a nice card and a lovely turquoise scarf in it.  How thoughtful.

Feeling ok this evening but time will tell as the weeks go on.

My next treatment is Monday 2nd August.

Love Clare xx

What a busy week...

Monday - Jon, Jack and I went to Paulton's Park for the afternoon and had a wonderful time.  It was fairly quiet and so we were able to go on rides as many times as we wanted (or my stomach could manage).  The afternoon ended with Jack playing in the Water Kingdom and having a wail of a time.  It was so hot so it made it all the more fun.

Tuesday - I went into town to find some sandals suitable for wearing all day. Got some and a couple more tops but when I got home and had my lunch I went really dizzy and had to lay down for a couple of hours.

Wednesday - out with friends in the evening and had a good chat and lots of laughs

Thursday - Strawberry Tea at the Houses of Parliament, it was such a nice day out with Wendy and Eileen.  Wendy did a talk on the reasons why she fundraises for Breast Cancer Care and I very nearly cried at her kind and lovely words.  The day was finished off with a trip to Pizza Express along the river and boy were my feet burning from the walking we did!

Friday - went to West Ward to have my bloods taken in preparation for starting Taxotere on Tuesday.  I spoke to Kate the ward sister (lovely lady) and we agreed the next three treatment dates as I have to go on either a Friday or a Monday as I have to see the consultant first and he only does 'chemo clinics' on those days. 

So my first treatment is this Tues (as I don't have to see Dr C for the first one), then Mon 2nd August and then Friday 27th August. We'll sort the rest out if and when I get there.  The plan is 6 sessions of Tax but obviously if it's not working then it will finish sooner.

I'm not worried about having it done at all as I've done it before but more anxious about the side effects.  Losing my hair again is a bummer but I have some scarves on the way as Sharon is making me some new ones.  I can't for the life of me find my original ones and one of them was my favourite.  How the heck do you get a favourite chemo scarf?!

Had a nice afternoon, just me as Helen took Jack to Lisa's so the children could play, that's what friends are for, being there when you need them.

Going to enjoy this weekend and try and get the house straight so I don't have to do it during the week.

Scary time ahead but one that I have to face if I want to carry on as I am now - socialising/shopping and enjoying my family!

Love Clare xx

Went along for my session of radiotherapy to my ribs and asked if I could see consultant afterwards as I have a swelling on my neck.  Not sure how long it's been there but quite noticable now.

Consultant examined me and is fairly certain that the swelling is not just a swelling.

He looked at my notes and what was found after my last scan (new lung and liver tumours) and has decided that we should start chemo again.

If they can get it organised for my next visit for Herceptin they'll do it all together and that will be 6th July.

Oh what joy to lose my hair again and all the other side effects that I have to watch out for.

Gutted to have to be starting chemo again but if it buys me more time then bring it on!

Feeling a bit deflated as I feel so well..

Clare xx

I wrote a while back about my friend Paula.

She sent a text to me just before our holiday thanking me for the flowers I sent her and Matthew for their wedding day, I haven't heard from her since.

I have phoned her at home, on her mobile and texted...nothing.

This morning I thought I'd try one last time and rang her home phone.  Matthew answered and he was so sweet.  Paula has not had any visitors or taken any calls since she came out of hospital.

 She's doing as ok as can be but is sleeping most days as she is on so much medication.

Matthew suggested that I go round on Saturday morning or a while and I said that would be nice but if it causes and distress to her I'll just go home..I'll totally understand.

Her daughter Alice (she's 4) was mainly being looked after by Matthew's sister but they were dealt a blow 4 weeks ago when his sister was diagnosed with cervical cancer and is now undergoing radio and chemotherapy.

You think life's unfair until you hear things like this...

Love Clare xx

Hurrah!

I have dates for radiotherapy planning and the 5 actual sessions.

This Weds for the planning and then the 5 start on Weds 23rd finishing on Tues 28th.

I do wonder when I'd have heard if I hadn't have pestered and rung up myself (4 times in total).

Went to the Drs today and had another Zoladex injection, again I asked why it has to be done by a Dr and not one of the many nurses at our surgery.  So the Dr I saw suggested that at the next he will show the 'head' nurse what to do and maybe after that they could discuss the others being shown.  It really is a farce and he couldn't believe that there are only 3 maybe 4 Drs able to do this .  Seriously I could do it myself.

Love Clare xx

I've been patient (pardon the pun) and waited and waited...up until Friday I'd heard no word of when my radiotherapy planning might be.

I'd rung Dr C's secretary 3 times last week and not one courtesy call to say  'yes we know we're on it'.

Got in on Friday and there was a message from the radiotherapy planning team saying they were calling about my appointment made through my consultant...yes that's great but not even a hint as to when it would be and they'd all gone home when I rang back.

Being a bit of  'sherlock' I have  feeling it may be on Wednesday (no great detective really just that Dr C has clinic Mondays/Tues and Fri is out on Thurs so that leaves Weds!!)...it would have been good if they had said for definite as I could have been making childcare arrangements over the weekend...instead I won't find out until Monday!

Since I came back from our holiday the pain seemed to have subsided, just a sharp pain every now and then but this weekend it's back to being painful all the time and to make things worse I've got a cough and can't cough properly as it hurts too much.

I'm hoping that after Tuesday's treatment the pain might calm down again but I really need the rads to see it off properly.

Next week should see some action from the RBH...if not I'll be on the blower every day until it's sorted!!

love Clare xx

4yrs ago today I was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer...

I'm still here...

Clare xx

Just a quickie as I haven't really got much to say at the moment.

Still waiting for my radiotherapy dates, will chase on Weds if I've heard nothing...guess that's me chasing then!

Have had 'twitchy' pains in my right side on and off for a couple of days so will see how it goes and if they get worse will go back and see consultant.

I have actually been feeling sad this week that all the plans we have for our future, our house and Jack, I may not see through...I know if I died suddenly (run over by a bus etc) it would be no different but it's the knowing I have a death sentence over me and now trying to hurry things up that I'd normally take time over.

Also I have a review date from DWP so I need to complete a large part of a huge (39 page) questionnaire and see my GP about it.  My GP is lovely and is very thorough so it shouldn't be a problem but still is on my mind niggling away. I have phoned DWP twice and had differing advice...one said just get your Dr to complete a DS1500 (under special rules) and the other said complete certain pages..may try a third time and see what they say this time!

Love Clare xx

Heart scan/Results day today.

Got to the hospital early (as always) and went along for my heart scan and realised that if my notes were in the cardiac unit how would my oncologist be able to see them?  I asked if I could take my notes with me and they said only if I took them staright there.  Oh how I would have loved an hour or so to have a good look through them!

Heart is ok so Herceptin can carry on until they dedcide otherwise.

Made my way down to the Cancer clinic (what a horrible but apt name) and was greeted with words 'we're running and hour behind'.  Blimey he was still seeing his morning patients!!

I sat and read my book for a while then my nose got the better of me and I had to stop so I could listen and look at what was going on.  I finally got called in at 4pm (appt was 2.50pm) and was seen by Dr Charlton's registrar, although he was in the next room dishing out advice (all good I expect!)

She said that the scan showed 'progression of disease' in the chest wall, which would explain the pain I've been in over the past couple of months. Plus a 'proper' tumour has appeared in my liver (before it was just a measly nodule/lesion...so it's been promoted) and I now have 3 lung tumours 2 of 7mm and one just a bit bigger.

They decided between them, after a brief conflab, that chemo should be kept for later on.  As I'm not presenting any 'ill' symptoms just pain it would seem silly to use one of the 'big guns' now rather than when it's most needed.

For the chest wall pain they are going to organise radiotherapy (5 sessions) and hopefully that will ease the pain.

I asked what about the liver tumour but apparently it should be ok for a while, however, if I feel nauseous or find it difficult to eat (yeah that 'll be the day!!) or drink, I need to contact them immediatley and we can get on with sorting it out.

I will have another CT scan at the end of July and take it from there.

So for now I get to enjoy the 'summer' without feeling crappy and being bald.

It's not the best news but it could have been worse as they could have said for me to start chemo straight away...

There's always a bright side...

Love Clare xx

Back home after a week in Menorca.

We had 3 really hot days so managed to get on the beach a couple of times and in the pool at the apartment.

Thursday night/early morning we had a massive thunderstorm and torrential rain and it didn't stop until 4ish on Friday afternoon.

The apartment was fab and the owner had more or less thought of everything, flights were brilliant too.

It's been 10yrs since Jon and I went there and we still remembered most of the Island.  It has got very expensive though (blame the Euro) but that said we still ate out every day and enjoyed ourselves.

Only downside is getting back and having washing to do and cases to sort out.

Tuesday must have been on my mind whilst I was away as I had 2 really awful dreams about it.  Mind you I also had a bizarre dream that all my nails fell off!

I hope Tuesday brings some good news for us I really do.

love Clare xx

Pain Pain go away...

I'm in quite a bit of pain now in my shoulders and round the front where my scar is.  I sneezed this morning and thought I was being crushed from inside.  I can't cough properly as I can't take a deep enough breath.

Haven't been sleeping well as it wakes me and then I can't get back to sleep so feel so tired all the time.

I just want to go and have a nice holiday next week and then get this sorted out when I get back. Just hope I can last the week without being in too much pain.  Taking painkillers but that's not ideal long term.

I'm scared of what going on in there but can't really complain as it will be 4yrs since diagnosis at the end of May and I haven't really been 'ill' as such or in any pain really.  I feel a course of chemo coming on - boo!

So watch this space as I have consultants appointment on Tues 18th...

Love Clare xx

Having a busy couple of weeks...socialising and getting things ready for our holiday.

Went along for my scan on Tuesday and all went ok - the scan always does go ok it's the results that may not be what we want to hear.  I get the results on Tues 18th May - well at least I hope to, I have an appointment with my consultant booked for then and I'd hope that all the relevant info would be with him by then.

So two and a bit weeks to go and then fingeres crossed...

love Clare xx

I have news of 2 arrivals..

Calum Dominic Grealis born Thurs 15th April weighing 8lbs

Jacob William Peter Banks born Sun 25th April weighing 8lbs 10oz

Huge congrats to Hilary and Kevin and to Lisa and Mark

Going for a cuddle with Calum tomorrow and hope to see Lisa and Jacob very soon.

So nice to have some happy news.

Think I'm nearly ready for our holiday, just need the suitcases down and to decide what we are taking, if we need anything I can go and get some bits in the week.

I have my CT scan on Tuesday morning...no nerves about the actual scan as it doesn't hurt or anything, just a bit concerned at what the lung tumour found back in October is doing...all will be revealed on 18th May (I hope they don't mess up like last year and lose my results for weeks on end)

Love Clare xx

Yay...

Heard this morning that we got the school we wanted for Jack...

So pleased and a weight off our minds....

love Clare xx

Only 3 weeks and 2 days until our holiday...

Am feeing slightly nervous about going as I don't have any health insurance just my (European Health Card) and I'm having pain in my left shoulder/base of my neck and all over the top of my back (but only at night), which isn't going away.

I've got my scan on 27th April and have opted to stick my head in the sand (literally) and get the results on our return from holiday.  I don't want to know if there's anything 'going on' before we go, I just want to go and enjoy a week away.  Can this be done if I'm in pain though?  I hope so.

I know I should go and talk it through with my consultant sooner rather than later...but I'm not going to.

All in all feeling pretty shitty just now, so much going on in my head.

love Clare xx

I seem to be surrounded by sadness at the moment and it scares the hell out of me as I wonder how much longer my luck can continue. 

For the first time since I was diagnosed I'm beginning to get really frightened...

When you meet people through support groups who have cancer or meet people at the hospital on long term treatment like yourself you do put yourself up for sad times...I just doesn't get any easier.

I'm sat here in shock at the latest bit of sad news I have had.

Neila passed away on Wednesday.

I had the pleasure of meeting up with Neila through a Breast Cancer support forum and as we both lived in Reading we met at Royal Berks every 3 weeks when we had our herceptin done together.  She developed secondary breast cancer in her lungs and bones about 18mths ago.

This time last year she was galavanting around the Middle East...

She got quite poorly just before Christmas with fluid on her lungs and had to use oxygen and had deterioration in her shoulder but I saw her in February at clinic and she seemed to be coping really well. Her scan in March showed signs of lung tumour shrinkage...good news I thought.

She had to stop Herceptin for a while and when she re-started she had to have a re-loading on a Wednesday which then made our hospital visits out of sync with each other....oh how I wish I'd had the chance to meet with her one more time.

I know the staff on West Ward will be upset at her passing as she was a lovely lady to have around on herceptin days..

RIP Neila I will miss you and your wise words, laughter and the fun chats we had.

Thinking of Lionel, Christopher and Jenny at this very sad time.

Clare xx

My thoughts are with my friend Jane and her family...

RIP Paris...another taken by this cruel disease...

Clare xx

Happy Birthday to my darling Jack.

In 2006 when I was diagnosed I honestly thought I wouldn't see his 1st birthday let alone his 4th.

We had a lovely day, Jon was off work too so that made it even more special.  We weren't up too early (7.15am) and all came downstairs for Jack to open all his pressies.  He was needless to say thoroughly spolit.  We went bowling and had a great time...Jack even won the second game!  Off to MacDonalds for lunch (not my idea of a birthday treat but Jack loves it).

Round to see Grandma and Grandad this afternoon and took his birthday cake with us.

He finally went to bed at 8.30pm after he'd played on his DS since his tea....

I truly hope that the run of tests I have coming up will have results good enough for me to see Jack's next birthday.

love Clare xx

Just at the moment I seem to have such sad news to write about.

My friend Jo's little niece passed away yesterday aged 18mths....cancer is a cruel cruel disease and doesn't care who gets in it's way.  Just feel so sad for them.

Paula didn't come home yesterday as they said her movement wasn't enough...I really hope she can be home for her 40th birthday next Sunday (11th) and Alice's 4th on the 15th.

My friend Jane is also going through a very difficult time with a close friend and my thoughts are with her and her family.

I've got a date for my scan (27th April) and I hope to tie in the results appointment with my next heart scan that way I only have to see Dr C once instead of wasting both our time and having 2 appointments....we are talking NHS so anything could happen!

I have been having pain in my shoulder area again and I just hope it's the side effect of the Zoladex as at the beginning of treatment it can flare up tumour sites.

All I want is to get through our holiday and have a fab time with my 2 boys - anything else can be seen to after we get back.

I did managed to have something good happen this week.  I ordered a swimsuit and it looks good (well as good as it can on me), so I'm pleased and I got a lightweight prosthetic to go with it. Cost quite a bit, I'm use to buying cossies for £10 from Asda etc this one was £37 (£22.50 for prosthetic)...mind you most of them to order are between £50- £80.  Now if that isn't playing on someones unfortunate deal in life then I don't know what is!!

Anyway mythoughts are with all those who are sadder than me at this time.

love Clare xx