It's only been 4 days but I'm back on SW and so far so good...

Not strayed off plan at all and even today had a friend round for lunch and managed to stay on track.

It's 18 days since my last chemo and I'm feeling much better already, right arm and leg are still getting swollen and I've stopped taking the water tablets now (I don't think they made much difference).  Hopefully they'll settle down totally soon and I can have my ankle back.

I seem to be sleeping ok at the moment although it still takes an age to drop off to sleep..up to an hour some nights.

Still feel tired if I do too much but my hands are no longer sore, skin still a bit peely.

So back to healthy eating and trying to get myself a lot more healthier and fit than I have been this year..

Love Clare xx

Paula's Funeral...

I was dreading it and I'd only pulled off the drive and my lip started to quiver.

It was drizzling when I got there and that always things seem worse than they actually are.

As soon as I saw then hearse coming in the distance the tears began.

The doors opened to the chapel and I nipped in at the back in the corner where no one could see me and I couldn't see the coffin.  Intermittent crying from me and quite a lot of sniffing.

The celebrant (not sure what denomination he was) gave a nice 'chat' and Matthew had written about Paula - lovely words.

Alice wasn't there as Matthew didn't think it appropriate for a 4yr old and I tend to agree.

2 hymns, a reading, Lord's Prayer and to finish her grand exit was to Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.

We all followed the hearse to the burial plot and by then the sun was trying it's hardest to come out.

I found it all rather strange as there was virtually no one (except within the family) of the same age as Paula.  It was also a very sombre and dark funeral...most wore black.

Which brings me to my own thoughts and what I'd like at my funeral...it's all written down and the Order of Service is half done...must finish that off or I may get hymns etc picked that I don't want!!

I will go up to the cemetery in a few weeks and say my own goodbye to Paula as there were so many people milling around I didn't want to go to the graveside today.

Love Clare xx

I'm so excited...and although I am normally quite positive I'm bursting with positivity now..

Chemo finished and now I'm on a mission to sort my weight and health out.

Have made enquiries into Pilates classes and am waiting to hear back, I don't actually want to start until the New Year.  I need time to gather my strength and get rid of the fatigue.

I've made menus and food plans for my re-start of SW from next Saturday and recipes have been sifted through, I hope to have a bit of a weight loss before Christmas/New Year.

It will be a challenge but after this shitty year I need something to focus on and it's going to be a new me.

No more fat and frumpy...

Fingers crossed my hair grows back nice and quick as that is something I will have no control over!

Love Clare xx

Felt so bad today...

After a long night of sleeping/waking/sleeping/waking I thought all was ok to carry on as normal today.

Took Jack to school (by car) and popped to Asda just to get a loaf and some salad bits.  Spent the morning watching something I'd recorded last week.

Set off to pick Jack up at 11.30 am and didn't feel too bad...was only gone 45mins and by the time we got home I was feeling so rough.

Helen J came for lunch and thank goodness she was here as I just felt so ill...in the bathroom not knowing whether to be sick/faint or just sit on the loo!!

Managed to get out of there twice and lay on my bed only to head straight back again feeling all sticky and cold (like you do when you're feeling faint).

It passed within the hour but the colour did drain from me and I felt wretched.

Not long though and I'll be on the up again.

Helen R popped in to tell me news of their 20week scan - all good and so pleased for her and James.

I'm know most people have good friends but I am so lucky to have friends who are willing to help out and step in when times are tough.

Love Clare xx

Paula's funeral is next Thursday at 11.30am....

Dreading it already...

Love Clare xx

OMG - I made it...last chemo today and not once did it have to be put back due to low blood count..in fact Dr C said today looking at my bloods you'd never know I was on chemo - I am made of strong stuff!!

I started the day in the X-Ray dept as when I went to have my blood taken yesterday they were having trouble getting blood from my port, so they wanted an X-Ray done to see if the port was ok i.e the catheter was still attached.  Had it done and all ok...humm...

The nurses weren't happy that yesterday I could feel a stinging sensation so they arranged for me to see the consultant radiologist for him to put dye in my port to check it wasn't damaged in any way.  Only thing was they could only do it at 1.30pm so it meant waiting around.

Back to clinic to see Dr C and he said he was happy that this would be my last chemo and he would suggest a CT scan in about April but if I felt ill in anyway before then to get back to him.  

I'm going to carry on with the 3 weekly Herceptin.

I told him about the Oedema in my feet /leg and hand (right side only!) and he said he'd give me some water tablets...I jokingly asked if it would help weight loss...his reply was...oh you'll be a size Zero before I see you next!! I have been warned to only take them at breakfast any later and I won't sleep for a fortnight - yikes!!

I asked about doing Pilates after the New Year and he is all for gentle exercise but said not to try any cardio vascular stuff...I laughed pointed to my body and said "does it look like I enjoy that sort of thing"

I went back up to the ward and got the port accessed ready for later and my friend Fiona who I started Herceptin with (she's now finished) popped in to see me and gave me a lovely box of Belgian Truffles to celebrate my last chemo...how nice is that?

I went back down to X-Ray for 1.30pm and they put a black dye through the port with no leakage so the consultant was happy for them to continue use of the port.  He did say that they dye bubbled at the end of the catheter and this may have been caused by some sort of fibre stuff - didn't catch what he actually said.  too busy looking at him as he's rather dishy!

Back up to the ward for 2pm and away we went with the chemo, followed by the Herceptin - left the hospital 4.50pm, just  in time to hit the rush hour traffic.

So all in all an eventful last chemo.

I was so happy to walk out of there knowing that I possibly only have 2/3 weeks of side effects and then I can work on getting fully fit/losing weight and not forgetting 'Operation Bob'..

Fingers crossed I have a good stint at just Herceptin before they have to re-think my treatment.

Love Clare xx

Well the decision was taken away from me...

Paula passed away peacefully last night...

RIP Paula

Love Clare xx

Feeling extremely sad this afternoon...

Matthew phoned to tell me that Paula is back in the hospice and has very little time left..

I hope to be able to go and see her tomorrow afternoon but the coward in me doesn't really want to go and see what I may face in the future...it's a hard call but if I feel strong enough I will go.

Love Clare xx

Had a lovely few days away in Middlesbrough.

Lots of drinking, laughing and eating - right up my street.

Jon snapped out of his sulk before we went and we both enjoyed seeing his family.

I felt really tired but had late nights so that didn't really help.

Halloween party was great and Jack loved it as there were lots of other children there.

Friday is my last chemo (providing my white blood count is ok) so by the end of November I should be feeling more like my old self.

I've set a date to re-start Slimming World and it will be Saturday 20th November.  I am determined to lose all this excess weight.

Love Clare xx

Energy seems to be picking up which is great as we're going to Middlesbrough for a few days to see Jon's family.

I sometimes really don't think Jon gets how I feel.  When you're tired/no energy and just plain sick of feeling crap you are going to be snappy - but oh no I just told it must be PMT (which let's face it is one of the worst things you can tell a woman) - well shows how much he knows about the meds I'm on!

So in repayment for me snapping/daring to say something he didn't agree with on Sunday he's been lounging around in bed watching tv for 2 days...instead of having good quality time with Jack...Monday was lovely and they could have gone out.

I really dislike sulkers and he knows that which is why he's doing what he's doing...I just think it's a waste of time and days off.

Moan over - he really is a good hubby but every now and again he seems to forget that no matter how bad our situation is for him it's 100 times worse for me as I'm the one with the shitty disease and going through treatment with the knowledge that there is no cure!

Love Clare xx

5 days in and not doing too bad this cycle...so far.

Hands are sore but no where as near as bad as last cycle.

Right foot oedema seems to have calmed down a bit.

No acid reflux the tablets are working a treat...so nice to eat what I want without thinking I'll be uncomfortable later in the day.

Still feel so lethargic though and have been extremely lazy this week...driving to school there and back and basically lounging around with Jack in the afternoons.

I should be elated after Fridays results but feeling so low...as in health not spirit..hopefully I'll get to enjoy the good news once I start to feel better.

Clare xx

Results day.

...and it is good news:

All visible tumours that have previously been measured have shrinkage and the lump on my neck has shrunk. Dr C even said where I had the radiotherapy to my chest wall in Feb that has healed too.

He did say to keep an eye on my cough as there is inflammation in the upper left lung lobe and if I start to cough phlegm then I will need to contact him or my GP...at the moment it's just a dry cough - an irritating dry cough that seems to want to appear at 3am - grrr!

I did  tell him I get out of breath really easy these days but he wasn't too concerned - prob took one look at how much weight I'd put on and thought, no wonder love...you're huge!!

I showed him the pics of how bad my hands were and he's reduced the dosage slightly for the last two cycles.

I mentioned that the reflux had been really bad last cycle and that it ruined my intake of Champers at the weekend...he said that wouldn't do at all and has prescribed a daily tablet of Omeprazole.

So the plan is to have my last Taxotere on 5th Nov and then carry on with 3 weekly Herceptin.

I do like my consultant and trust what he says and suggests, I really think that helps as I never go home worrying if what treatment he's giving is the correct one.  All the chemo nurses think highly of him and I think that says volumes.

One of my Tuesday Herceptin buddies whose finished her course of treatment was there today to sign consent forms and have tests done for a years trial of a drug to take after Herceptin has finished.  The stats show Herceptin can reduce the risk of recurrence by 50% and with this new drug as well it adds another 10%.  

It's hard to get on trials as you have to fit the criteria - age/stage of treatment/type of breast cancer etc, so far she's the only one eligible at RBH.

So all in all a good day.

Clare xx

What a week.

Had a brilliant time at Centre Parcs, just relaxed and enjoyed the hot tub and a fab villa and extremely good company.

Loads of food and drink and so much laughter, just what the Dr ordered.

I was forced to watch XFactor but it was noticed that I was 'getting into it'...I wasn't honest!

Lots of Champagne was flowing but sadly I couldn't have as much as I wanted as my reflux was bad and so I had to make do with Gaviscon!!

Limo ride was shall we say an experience...after the (woman) driver had crunched the back end on a boulder we went on a high speed ride and all ended up feeling a bit dodgy!!

It didn't put us off the meal at Strada which was lovely and the manager there allowed us to have our own bottle of champagne opened.

Tuesday was Wendy's birthday and I went to help her celebrate at The Elephant in Pangbourne - lovely food and great company.

Wednesday was Jon's birthday and we managed to go out in the evening for an Indian.

So after a nice weekend away and a couple of birthday meals - back to reality.

Not looking forward to tomorrow as it's scan results day..not sure what I'm expecting Dr C to say but I just hope the chemo has shrunk the nasties. If not I will be intrigued to hear what his next step is.

Love Clare xx

Really looking forward to the weekend.

Going to Centre Parcs, Longleat to celebrate Wendy's 50th.

Looking forward to having a weekend away although I'm sure I'll miss Jack and Jon.

Weather looks like it's going to be good so I may have to revise what clothes I'm taking.

So a weekend of laughter, tears, eating, chatting, sitting in the hot tub drinking lots of Champers...

Just hope that I can handle the pace as have been feeling so tired.  Hands are much better and so I'll be able to go in the sauna/steamroom/hot tub.

Love Clare xx

So glad that the time between treatments this cycle is 4 weeks.

Hands are no longer bright red but now the skin is peeling off the back and finger tips.  Better be ok to have my nails done Thursday ready for my weekend away.

Don't feel so tired but ankles are swelling in the evenings.  eyes are still very watery but not as bad as last week.

Not long now and I should get my scan results when I go next, so will be asking what his plans are after chemo.

Love Clare xx

My poor sore hands - ouch!

Not much better today and so sore still...

love Clare xx

Phoned my Drs at 8am and got an appointment with my Dr at 10.40am - what excellent service.

Showed her my hands which she agreed were not looking good.

I have been prescribed Betnovate Cream and she also gave me a huge tub of aqueous cream to wash my hands with.

So watch this space - hands should start to feel a bit better in a few days time.

Love Clare xx

What a miserable chemotherapy Taxotere is.

I've not had the same side effects for any of the cycles and I keep getting caught out.

Today my hands are red raw, much worse than yesterday and I've had to take my rings off.

I have asked advice on a BC forum I belong to and it really needs to be sorted before it gets much worse.

I shall be going to the Drs tomorrow to get an emergency appointment to start getting it treated.

I will be so bloody annoyed if I can't use the sauna/hot tub/steam room at Centre Parcs in 2 weeks time...at the moment I can just about bare to put my hands in tepid water.

The damn stuff had better be doing what it's suppose to be doing and killing off the cancer cells as well as working it's way around my body as it pleases.

There is always an upside...at least I don't feel sick/nauseous on this chemo unlike FEC.

Love Clare xx

I'm right in the middle of my lowest immune time this week.

I shall say it quietly....not doing too bad so far, the main thing is fatigue..not tired as tired is overcome by sleep and I've had sleep it's plain ans simple no energy at all...exhaustion

My hands are suffering this time more than last, especially my right hand...all raw, sore and very red, not much skin peeling..thank goodness.

Silly me went shopping in Asda this morning and perhaps I should have done an online shop instead...how can leaning on a trolley be exhausting?

Off to 'baby Club' this afternoon as I need a serious catch up with any gossip, shouldn't be to hard to sit drink tea and chat...I've missed too many weeks

Love Clare xx

CT scan day today.

I know it's important but I just hate wasting time waiting...

My appointment in the CT unit was 1.30pm but I have to have my port accessed for the iodine dye to go through so had to be in the chemo ward at 12.15...just in case they were busy.

Well they weren't and I'd been accessed by 12.30.  So I sat outside and read some of my book and a paper that some kind person had left me.

Went to the CT dept at 1.30pm and I'm surprised no one heard me groan as I went in..all but 2 seats left and everyone looking glum.  They were running approx 1.5hrs late.

I'd had to starve from 9.30am but in fact I hadn't eaten since 7.30am as that's when I finished my breakfast.

Had the barium drink at 1.45pm and questioned the nurse as to how late they were running as I didn't want to have the drink and then have to wait ages to be seen.  He didn't seem to understand the problem..and I explained..I'd had nothing to eat or drink and he was expecting me to drink a litre of this stuff and then sit there holding it in my bladder until they were ready for me...not bothered said his face to me!!

I did start drinking at about 2ish and went to the toilet at the time they said and then waited...after an hour I was bursting but then got called in.

The actual scan only took about 15mins.

I was so hungry when I got out I went straight to the cafe and brought a huge jam doughnut - stuffed it straight in my gob!!

Went back up to the chemo ward to have the line from my port removed and home.

I will never accept an afternoon appointment again as they always run late.  

Roll on 15th October when  Dr C will let me know if the chemo is working.

Love Clare xx

I have just the most lovely day shopping with Wendy.

She needed clothes...I just wanted more!

We both got loads of nice things me: make up/2 cardigans/2 tops/sunglasses and we also got Wendy's birthday present from me ( a Pandora bracelet and charm - well you're only 50 once!).  Wendy did well too 2 pairs of boots/2 tops/ neckless/sunglasses/make up and the bargain of the day a swim suit from M&S Autograph ...£39.50 down to £1...bloody excellent spot by me!!

Whilst in M&S a woman came up to me and said I love your hair where do you get it done?...I replied are you serious...it's a wig!!... she was gob smacked and said was I serious?

So at least I know it looks real enough to fool others..not sure why I told her it was a wig think I was just chuffed that she didn't realise!!

The day was finished off with a lovely and cheap meal (thanks to a voucher I had) at Prezzos and a couple of cocktails at 'The Mix'.

Haven't had a day like that in ages and I loved it..girly chat/laughs/spending and most of all...eating and drinking...right up my street

Love Clare xx

4th cycle of Taxotere...over half way now.

Another long day.  Got there at 8.30am and had my bloods done after 4 attempts to access my port.  Not sure why they're having problems with it.

Went down to clinic for my 9.30am appointment there were only 3 others there which is unheard of.. so in reality I should have been in and up to the ward in record time...you would think that wouldn't you? ....in true NHS style the path lab only processed one tube of blood and I had to wait over an hour for the WBC (white blood count), they won't let you have treatment without this result.

Got back up to the ward at 11.15am and then had to wait until 12.30 to be called in...

I did tell the registrar about my hands and feet hurting and she said they would keep the dose as it is for this cycle as they aren't too bad and if they get worse they'll re-think the dosage.

I was booking in my next treatment and the nurse said if I go on Friday 15th Oct I'll have to have a re-loading of Herceptin as it'll be over 28days...this means having it over 1hr and then sitting there for 4hrs after...so we compromised and I'm going twice that week...Weds 13th for Herceptin and Friday 15th for Taxotere.

All rather complicated when you have chemo brain

Love Clare xx

I have done what I said I wouldn't...I have a wig!!

I love it..it's very similar colours to how my hair was before I lost it BUT...it's a lovely bob, short at the back and long at the sides.

I don't know why I was so against having a wig..well actually I do.  Last time I had chemo I was pointed in the direction of the hospital 'Wig Shop'...bad move -  not that many to choose from and when I did it looked like a dead gerbil on my head...I took it back the next day and got a refund!!

If I decide to get another within 4 weeks (either the same or different) I can get it half price...still a small fortune but hey...it's made me feel so much better..

Love Clare xx

I reckon I've had about all the side effects that are on offer with Taxotere...

Saturday evening the skin on my thumb decided to peel away and is very sore.  My fingers have been tingling for over a week and my feet very painful at night, so I should have guessed what was to come 'hand foot syndrome' (Palmer planter syndrome is the posh name).

My eyes are constantly watering and it's so bloody annoying, my make up gets ruined - believe me that is the only nice thing about my face at the moment as I'm trying to make an effort and even that's getting a hammering!!

My ankles have decided to start swelling too..lovely look I sport these days...bald, fat, swollen ankles, watery eyes, ridged flaky nails, sore hands and feet...a vision of beauty...lol

Will mention it on Friday as I think they can prescribe Vitamin B6...or do something to stop it getting worse.

Some nice things do happen amongst all this crap.  I had a lovely weekend, with Wendy over Saturday lunchtime/afternoon and we had a good catch up, Judith and Gerry over Saturday evening for an Indian and the Strictly Launch was on and then on Sunday Alexandra came over for a coffee and a chat...we have left it too long when we only live 30mins away.

Love Clare xx

Oh what a dilemma..

I know I'm half way through chemo but I really think I want a wig for Wendy's birthday weekend away.

We'll all be dressed up and hopefully looking glam and I really think that I'd feel better if I had a wig for the occasion.

My lovely friend Helen who wears wigs when she goes somewhere special has said she'll pop round next week and I can try hers to see if I could wear one.  She told me about Hot Hair and they have some very nice wigs at quite reasonable prices.

So roll on next week and I may be wigged up...or maybe not!  If it wasn't for going away I wouldn't bother.

Love Clare xx

After thinking I'd covered all angles I was proved wrong.

All previous side effects (with the exception of fatigue) covered and treated...I then get really bad itching under my arms..yes I have thrush in my arm pits.

Luckily the creams I was given last cycle can be used and seem to be working.

I will not be beaten by this chemo and by the end of cycle 6 I will have all side effects covered even if it means our medicine cabinet looks like a chemist shop!

Still feeling very tired and although Jon has been off work still feel as if I just have to 'get on with things'...I seem incapable of doing nothing.

Love Clare xx

It's started...feel so whacked today and I didn't even get up until 9.15..

Drove to M&S and Asda as couldn't face walking (it's 10mins walk max) and have had a lazy day with Jack making shortbread biscuits and eating some of them!

The weather is so nice and yet I just can't muster up any enthusiasm/energy to do anything not even go round to the park.

Feel sorry for Jack as my patience with him is nil and he's a good boy really just a cheeky 4yr old that I can't handle when I'm feeling down.

I don't want him to remember his Mummy as a shouty Mummy..just wish I could chill out and let him be a 4yr old...it's so hard when you inherit the impatience gene from your father and feel crappy to boot.

I have a day on my own tomorrow as Jack is staying at Grandma and Grandad's tonight and they are taking him over to the Isle of Wight tomorrow..bus, train, boat, lunch and then back again!!  Wouldn't even get up except I've got to go to the Drs for my monthly Zoladex injection...if it's not one thing it's another.

My feet have started to hurt at night like a throbbing/bone ache sensation when they are still (yes it's a side effect)..hope it wears off and doesn't hang around constantly.

Just thought I'd write down how I was feeling as I always say 'I'm ok thanks' when if I'm a bit more honest I'm far from it..sometimes..

Love Clare xx

I finally bit the bullet and ...

Booked Disneyland Paris for next April. I was under the influence of steroids and half a lager..that is my excuse for it anyway and the fact that I think as a family it will be a lovely load of memories to have.

Panicking a bit...Will I be well enough to go? Who knows what is in store for me after I finish this chemo. But my consultant says...just go with the flow and carry on as if you are well or you'd never do anything.

I knew that if I didn't book it now that we'd never go and I would maybe regret not seeing the joy in Jack's face when we tell him and when he gets there.  He loves Disney (as do I) especially Toy Story and that is big over there just now. 

I went to Disney Florida back in 1994 and loved it and said I'd never want to go to Paris as Florida is the place for Disney...but my health as it is tells me not to be stupid, to go to Florida would cost a fortune in insurance for me and I wouldn't want to travel that far away from home.

I have been looking over the last couple of weeks at the various hotels and read reviews on them (very mixed ones at that).  I just though that we're not really sun holiday people never spend much on going away and don't have to have a big holiday every year.  So I bit the bullet and booked the Disneyland Hotel right on the park..lots of £££'s but since my pension payout last year we haven't touched a penny of it and I can't take it with me..yes, I want to leave Jon and Jack with enough not to worry about things but my life assurance will cover the mortgage (all bar £10k - couldn't get any more when we moved).

So I have 8mths to try not to tell Jack, we'll tell him nearer the time when we're sure we can go.

Have yet to book the Eurostar as that can't be booked so far in advance - gosh hope my chemo brain remembers to book it!!

Love Clare xx

What a long day.

8.30am at the hospital to have my bloods done.  Downstairs for my 9am appointment with Dr C. which is the biggest laugh ever as he doesn't get there until about 9.30 at the earliest!

There were 3 of us waiting that had bloods done and the path lab were on a go slow, so we all just sat there..

I got called in at 10.25, went into the side room and sat there for 35mins whilst I could hear through the door Dr C on the phone talking flicking through notes etc...so I read my book!

When he finally came in he was flustered s he's not very technical and he'd be struggling inputting things on the shared info screen, he is so funny.

Bloods were good so I got the go ahead for cycle 3.

He examined the swelling on my neck/shoulder and he thought it had changed since he last saw me.  He's asking for a scan for me to be done before my next cycle.  He isn't going to be around at my next appointment (his son is getting married in Ireland and he said he thinks he'd better show up on time!). He said that if there is change for the better carry on, if there is no change carry on and if it's got worse (particularly liver) then to have cycle 4 and he would have a think about what to do next.

Back up to the ward and I had to wait until 12.30 to get started.  Not a problem as there were a good group of ladies to chat to and I had my book.

Managed to read all of it...it wasn't very long (Private Peaceful) but sad and I managed a few tears.

Home at 4pm after popping in to see Helen on the way home.

So that's half way through the scheduled treatment.

Next one Fri 17th September.

Love Clare xx

It's that time again.

Tomorrow, if all goes to plan I'll be halfway through the treatment.

Just got to hope my bloods will be ok...I'm sure they will be and I have the ok for more Herceptin as my heart scan was ok and I have the results in my sticky mitts.

Have a couple of questions to ask Dr C when I see him and I will ask him what he thinks he's doing giving me treatment that makes my head as bald as a coot yet my leg hair is still there...how blinkin' annoying!! - actually better not mention hair loss as he's lacking bit in that department.

So watch this space for mega moaning next week about how crap I feel...

Love Clare xx