Another year gone by...

Highs of 2011:

January - Jack started at Radstock School Y1.

February - Jack started Taekwando.

March - Loft conversion started 24th March, 2 beds and a bathroom.  Paul and Janys over. Mum and Dad's 60th wedding Anniversary.  Meal at Moat House.

April - Jack's 5th birthday, party at church hall, run by Judith. My 45th!  Disneyland Paris, 5 days in Disney hotel. Our 9th Wedding Anniversary. Up to Boro for Bank Holiday weekend.

May - Big fat zilch!

June - Loft finished. Alex and Lisa over to see me.  Jack's 2nd sports day. The Ivy with Wendy.

July - Wendy's Strawberry Tea for Breast Cancer Care. Went to Spain for a week.

August - 6 'friends' here for a get together.

September - Fi from Aberdeen came down for weekend and we went to Nirvana for a Spa Day.

October - Paul and Janys over.  Jono was 40, meal at Moat House. Jack and I to Bristol Zoo to meet up with Bec, Henry and Leah.

November - Jack's 1st school disco. Afternoon tea with Wendy. Very kindly got given a mobility scooter, thanks Marie...I know it must have hurt.

December - Jack's Christmas Nativity. Paul and Janys over.  Strictly Final Party here.  Paul Janys/Mum/Dad/Jono/Jack and me here for Christmas Day.  Mum and Dad's Boxing Day.  Tim and Vic got married 30th Dec, she looked gorgeous (so did Tim).

Lows of 2011 (only two but a real stinkers)

May - CT scan of head - admitted to RBH and diagnosed with Brain tumours, not what we wanted to hear at all. Rads to head for a week.

July - Kathy Youden, Emma's Mummy died (Breast Cancer)

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my family and friends, who continue to support me and read my blog

Love Clare xx

Christmas Day 2011.

Luckily it wasn't a really early start as we had 'incidents' during the night!  We'd just brought all the presents down and heard Jack calling.  He'd had a massive nose bleed all over his bed.  Jono sorted him out and we thought he'd gone to sleep.  Waited 30mins and Jono went up to take the carrot/milk and mince pie..Jack piped up "what are you doing Daddy" - oops

Jono, set his alarm for 3am and sorted it all out then.

7.30am stocking in our room and then all downstairs for main presents.  I was really spoilt, Jono got me a Dab Radio with Ipod docking station. Lots of other lovely things - too many to mention.

Paul and Janys were a great help and the dinner was lovely (except the roasties - most disappointing).

Mum and Dad went home at 6pm and the rest of us just chilled out for the evening.

Boxing Day Blow Out!

Another day of food and more food.
I was up early as couldn't sleep, back (spine/ribs) hurting, nothing major.

Round Mum and Dad's for my fave meal of the year - cold meat/mash/peas/pickles/salad etc

Sat here now needing a valve to release the pressure from my stomach!

So a lovely couple of days, with some of my family.

Love Clare xx

Busy week here (well sort of).

Tuesday my Brother and Sil arrived from Spain to stay with us until after Christmas then Mum & Dad until they go back on 2nd Jan.

Weds shopping for some last minute bits for wedding (shoes/neckless/earrings) and Janys very kindly sorted out the food hamper for Mum and Dad's pressie.

Indian at Mum and Dad's.  All 8 dishes cooked by Dad, it was deelish I must say.

Thurs, nails done for Christmas and wedding, so excited for Tim & Vic can't wait.  Actually felt really 'dodgy' in the evening, not sure why, have got a really snotty nose so that prob doesn't help.  MacNurse phoned to check all ok and that I had enough tabs to see me through the weekend.

Friday, Panto with Jack and Grandma who hasn't been to a panto since I was primary school!  They both really enjoyed it, so did I.

Few bits to do today and were ready for the Big Man in Red to pay a visit.

Hope everyone has a lovely Christmas Day.

Love Clare xx

My lovely friend Wendy came over and took me up to M&S/Asda to get a few bits. 

Had lunch with her and chatted and my wonderful husband carried on cleaning and tidying the house.  Started at 9am, stopped for 30mins (lunch) and finished at 4.30pm.  Sounds like I have a really grubby house, haven't really just don't have the energy to do it all.

Jack went to Grandma and Grandad's for the night and then I got ready for Strictly Come Dancing Final.

We decided on a takeaway this year (I usually cook party bits), was really nice and we had Christmas Crackers.  SCD was fab and we had a quiz after (really hard Sam!). Secret Santa dished out and 5 Mummy's all yawning on the sofa, what a bunch of lightweights.  Evening ended at about 1pm.

Was lovely to chat without having to entertain little ones (as much as we love them all).

In my heart of hearts I think I know I won't be hosting it next year.

Love Clare xx

So, finally I realise that I cannot do things that I used to take for granted.

Since Jack was born I've cross stitched him Birthday and Christmas cards and (if I may say so myself) a fab Advent Calendar.  I knew I would struggle to do a card this year but boy didn't realise just how much of a struggle it would be.  Right hand fingers played up and left eye all blurry.  Jack will no doubt love it anyway.  I think my stitching days are well and truly over.

Now, I know I'm a bit daft at times and today was one of those.  Needed some black thread to use for back stitch,  went into cupboard under stairs where my cross stitch stuff is,  knelt down got the thread and then couldn't get up, stuck in a cupboard, it is funny now but not at the time.

I can't weight bear on my right side, started crying as thought I'd be there all day, then had a quick word with myself.  Gathered my thoughts, sat for 5mins and hoisted myself up with the aid of the flash mop, first time I've touched it for months!!

Cannot believe what we take for granted day by day.

I struggle with stairs/getting dressed/having a bath/getting in and out of a car, all things that 8 months ago were just normal to me.

Need to face up to it, it ain't going to get better, ever the optimist though, it could do!

Love Clare xx

Another 3 weeks has passed and treatment day is here again.

No problems with my port this week, medication up on ward by 9am done and out by 10.15am.  Didn't bother going to clinic as consultant away and didn't really need to see anyone else, now Macmillan are involved with me, except for scan results and if I think things are starting to progress etc

My treatment buddy Charlotte had her last session today, lucky lady.  We both had pressies for each other and she had been and had a look at the tunic dress I'm wearing for the wedding and she got me a woolly shawl to match the tunic.  Goes perfectly. How thoughtful

Bussed into town, took top back to Debenhams, collected rings, and got a couple of bits for Jack's stocking.

When I got home, there was a parcel on my doorstep, it is an acrylic canvas of a picture I have of Jack, Sally who did our wedding photos did it for me, a total surprise.  Soppy thing that I am started crying at such kindness.  It will go in the lounge as soon as the 'grotto' has gone at New Year.

So in the 'nasty' world we appear to live in there are some kind thoughtful people out there.

Oh and I got a lovely red woolly hat (thank you Anita) to keep my head warm when scooting to school, it's mighty bitter up that cycle path!

Love Clare xx

A whole week and no update, sorry but been busy being busy and making the most of feeling well.

Sunday Ellan my Mac Nurse popped in to see how I was, ok but may have over done it Saturday.  We agreed that the Macmillan Dr would come and see me Monday.

Jon and Jack put the Christmas decs up, Santa's grotto it may be but Jack loves it and that's what matters.

Mac Nurse and Dr both came out Monday and went through my medication,  resulting in a change of the amount of Anti- convulsion tabs so now I am on 2 at 8am and 2 at 8pm.  Since Tues no head pain/sickness, so that seems to have worked.

Had a very nice Xmas lunch with friends yesterday.

Jean from Daisy's Dream http://www.daisysdream.org.uk/ came to talk to Jack, I was out of the room for the most of it but at first she explained who she was and what she does.  She said she helps children who's Mummy's or Daddy's are ill.  He clambered across the sofa and gave me a huge cuddle with tears in his eyes.  He could really remember what they talked about, typical.  But he can now decide if he wants to see her here or at school.

My GP highly recommended them and to get involved before 'the event' instead of after.  Oh I like that 'The Event'.

Hilary took me shopping today so that's out the way, as hospital again tomorrow.  My treatment buddy finishes tomorrow so cream cakes from M&S. Taking tin of celebrations in for nurses as last treatment before Christmas.  They get so many but can share out and take home.

Jack's Christmas play this evening, really looking forward to it.

So that's been my week, really happy that I can function a bit more 'normally' and have only had 2 'episodes' as the Dr calls them, before changing tab amount.

Happy here today, well I am most days but even more today.

Love Clare xx

This week hasn't been too bad really.

Woken up a few times with a 'woolley' head and today was actually sick but it cleared my head at least.

Managed to do the weekly shop yesterday with Helen J. Nails done today, toes and fingers.

Looking forward to the weekend, Wendy is coming over for the day and we are going shopping for a few Christmas bits.  Tea here then movie (The Holiday), wine/nibbles etc.

Sunday, early 'brunch'as Wendy is fund raising in the afternoon. Were putting our decs up in the afternoon.  Jack is so excited.

Hoping that next week is a good too.

Love Clare xx

Love the weekends as I don't feel quite so vulnerable on my own with Jack. Except Jon was at work yesterday, only has to do 1/13 so not bad but he shouldn't be doing any at all.

Marie (and her hubby) from BCpals very kindly gave me a mobility scooter, will be very useful on days that I don't feel able to do the walk to school.  Jon has trialed it whizzing round the close and it goes quite fast actually. I'm off for a trial run later.

Out for Dad's birthday meal, only up to the carvery (with vouchers!!).  Mum was in bed poorly, think she may have got what Jack had - oops.

Slow start to today as had a cracking headache and was a bit fuzzy.  Wokingham Christmas Carnival today so will pop over there, us and a thousand others.  Jack may well get to see Santa in his grotto.

New tablets taken last night so we shall see what I feel like for the rest of today and if I lose any sensation in my right side.

Busy old day really but that's ok.

Love Clare xx

After a mediocre nights sleep woke up feeling bright and breezy.
Jack was at Mum and Dad's again so Jon dropped me round there at 8am.  Hate Wednesdays as bin day/recycling so busy busy even before we left.

Had brekkie with them (why does Jack eat a huge breakfast for them but not us - grrr) and then I permed Mum's hair, maybe I shouldn't have but I'll be damned if anyone else is doing it whilst I still feel I can (been doing her hair since 1982!!).

Lunch with friends and had a nice chat.

Jon picked us up at 4.30pm.

Ellen my Mac Nurse popped in with a prescription for Epilim Chrono - will see if that works, just trial and error for now.  Will collect tomorrow and see how I go.

Also had some lovely flowers from Sara and family and a rather large box of chocs from Helen R.

So a happy lady here today.  Hoping tomorrow is as good.

Love Clare xx

Feeling much better today, not 100% better, but better.

Rang Mac Nurse and she came out to see me and go through my medication.  Agreed that I should stop the anti convulsion tablets and will arrange some sort of examination, as I obviously need something (she thinks when I lose sensation in right side I'm fitting) but not those.

She wasn't too happy that I'm not taking the Omeprazole, as I really need something to protect my stomach, so suggested I change to a different one.

GP also phoned and did me a prescription for some more tabs. So by tomorrow will be rattling.

Jack was at Mum and Dad's last night and was sick - oops.

He may well stay there again tonight.

Love Clare xx

After a lousy day yesterday not being able to do anything, (and not even having the energy to go out last night), I decided not to take the new lunchtime tablet that I have been prescribed.

Know what, I feel so much better.  Went into town with Jon to take a few bits back and although I was tired not totally exhausted.

Googled the tabs and these are the most common side effects: - all that I thought I was taking the darn things to stop.

• Drowsiness
• Weakness 
• Vomiting
• Infections
• Loss of appetite
• An irritated, stuffy, or runny nose
• Coughing
• Dizziness
• A spinning sensation (vertigo)
• Bruising
• Coordination problems
• Memory loss (amnesia)
• Unusual sensations, such as burning, tingling, or numbness
• Double vision

So after reading that lot I decided to stop taking them.  At hospital again tomorrow so will ask Staff Nurse Kate what she thinks, may even get a cheeky quick chat with Dr C at Monday clinic.  I'd rather have a couple of collapsing episodes a week than feeling rough all the time.

Love Clare xx

Well, a bit of a pants day today.

Jack woke at 2am screaming, he'd been sick and there was poo everywhere!  Cleaned him and his bedroom up and he came in with me.  Consequently I didn't sleep well at all.  Well must have as woke at 7.30am and decided to just lay there.

Came downstairs and felt so tired.  Went back to bed until 12.30pm.  Moved from bed to sofa.  Not sure why I feel so tired and lacking energy, hoping it's not  the new meds.

Was supposed to be going out with friends tonight but I didn't even have an ounce of energy to get ready, let alone sit in a restaurant all evening.  Feel bad letting them down but I would have been crap company.

I have been offered a mobility scooter...very excited.  Jon and I have talked about getting one but I suppose the longer we put it off the less 'real' things become.  It will be fab to do the school run and get to Mum and Dad's.  Just hope I don't tip out of it!

Just need a new garage door now as it will have to go in there to charge up and our up and over door is broken and too hard for me to open.  Another thing we've put off, so all good as we'll have a new door and I'll be able to get about a bit more.

Looking forward to being a bit more with it tomorrow and not so tired, fingers crossed.

Love Clare xx

Shattered after a very long day at the hospital, mostly sitting around waiting.

Got there at 8.30am, (thank you Hilary for the early morning lift).  Called in at 9pm but told the Herceptin wasn't done yet but the could start with the Zometa.

I have a port fitted under my skin to allow easy (ha ha) access for treatments.  I have only ever had a problem with it once before.  9/10 (I lost count) attempts were made to access it but each time no blood could be drawn back.
They finally gave up after 1.5hrs of prodding and poking (it didn't hurt but is now bruised).

I went down to clinic and saw Dr C with my questions:

• GP suggested increasing steroids to 4mgbreakfast/1mg lunch - he is fine with this.
• Whooshing noise in my head just before I lose balance and use of right leg - he thinks it's 'electrical' happenings in my brain - prescribed anti-convulsion tabs to take.
• Co-ordination not good i.e. misjudging things like putting plates in cupboards and missing the shelf/ filling the water filter and spilling it all over the side - his answer, par for the course and live with.  Thought he may say that.
• Cannot write properly anymore - basically tough, just type instead
• Waking nearly every night approx 3.30am with a cracking head ache - his answer bin the Tramadol and try para/codeine.
• I asked also when I feel ill who do I contact - 1st point of call Macmillan as they are out and about in the community they can always cal in to see me.

So all in all not bad, he still doesn't want to do a scan until January.

Back up to the ward and they had to access a vein in then back of my hand.  Good veins now as not been used for over 3yrs.  Drugs all ready, so I was plugged in and left by now it was 11.45am.

The new meds prescribed were on the system but pharmacy hadn't noticed them and so hadn't made up the script.  I had to wait until 2.30pm for them to be done and sent up to the ward.

Finally, got home at 2.50pm, shattered, (thank you Anita for coming to get me). 

Jack was collected by my friend so that helped out enormously, he is as I type at his 1st school disco!

So watch this space as to whether the new drugs work or not.

I am going to have a very quiet weekend indeed.

Love Clare xx

So fed up.

Went to bed early last night as I was so tired, only to wake at 1.15am, what's all that about and when I say awake I mean wide awake.

Got back to sleep only to wake at 3.30am with a cracking headache and I mean cracking, was nearly crying.  Took some painkillers and tried to go back to sleep.

Just laid there until 6.30am when I took my steroids, hoping they'd kick in before I had to get up.  How wrong was I.  Did breakfast and still had a bad head.

Texted Lesley and asked her if she would take Jack to meet Kay who could then walk him into school for me. 

Went back to bed at 8.45am and stayed there dozing until 12.30pm.  Lovely under normal circumstances but not when you feel sick and have a bad head.

Got up and had some lunch and felt much better not 100% but better.

This afternoon was totally different, I hoovered/made lunches got tea ready etc, like I was a different person. So frustrating that for a good few hours i can feel so crappy and then seem to snap out of it like it never happened.

Roll on Friday when I will (again) speak to Dr C and maybe persuade him to do a scan before Christmas instead of after.

Let's hope tomorrow is a better day.

Love Clare xx

Had a lovely day up in London with Wendy for an Afternoon Tea at St James Hotel.

Went 1st Class to Paddington and taxi to Harrods, had a good look around the Christmas shop, very nice indeed.

Stopped off at Cafe Rouge for drinks, both of us had 2 glasses of wine. 

Then when we went to leave I had a 'funny' turn.

Lost the use of my right side and went down like a sack of spuds in the gutter outside Harrods. A family walked past and stared, so I said I'm not drunk just ill, then they came back for a better look!! A lady stopped and helped Wendy get me up, nearly got run over by a taxi, can laugh now. Was more worried I'd ripped my leggings or scuffed my boots!

It literally last 5mins or so, and after all is ok again.  Taxi to hotel where we had a delicious tea.  Champers to start, dainty sandwiches/warm scones with cream, jam and the best ever lemon curd/fancy cream cakes (small ones but very rich), washed down with blackcurrant tea.

Made our way back by taxi to Paddington and managed to get a few 'supplies' in M&S for the evening ahead.

Have woken this morning (5am) with really bad pains in my knees, feels like someone has knee capped me.

Maybe alcohol doesn't agree with me after all, saying that the last time I had leg pain I hadn't had any alcohol.

Will do some investigation.

So nice quiet day here with the exception of me wincing every 2 seconds!

**update** - knee pain has gone, didn't even notice it go just went, but that's all good.

Love Clare xx

Yay,

As the song goes - 'woke up this morning feeling fine'

Did wake up briefly in the night and took a Tramodol, back to sleep until time to get up.

No head pain or fuzziness which is truly wonderful.

Feel the best health wise today than I have in a long time.

Hilary took me shopping, back here for lunch, then nails done this afternoon.

Sarah E took Jack to Taekwando for which I'm really grateful, Jon went to collect him whilst I did us tea.

Really looking forward to a day in London tomorrow with Wendy, afternoon tea at St James Hotel.

Hoping that tomorrow morning I wake feeling like I did today.

Happy Happy Happy.

Love Clare xx

Went to GP this morning for me 4 weekly Zoladex injection.  Spoke to him about the head pain that starts up about 3.30am.

He suggested that I take 4mg of steroid as I have been when I wake up and then  another 1mg at lunchtime.  See how that goes and maybe drop to 0.5mg at lunch in a couple of weeks.

I did mention losing my balance, going lightheaded and not being ale to move my leg/foot.  Have to speak to Dr C about that next week...he may according to my GP want to scan sooner than January.

Also been to hospital today for Echo and all is ok, there so took results up to ward and they will get them authorised for next Friday.

So really a case of trial and error with the steroids.

Love Clare xx

I want to know what is happening to me.  So frustrating to feel ok one minute and then completely drained the next. Losing my balance at least once a day and the use of my right leg now and again.

Woke up with yet another banging headache.  Right across my forehead and in my right eye.  Luckily Jack was at Grandma and Grandad's last night so I had a lie in until 11am!  Once painkillers and steroids taken the pain eased.

Think I need a serious chat with GP on Tues about meds as they obviously aren't lasting all night and then I'm waking up in pain.

I'm sure between us we'll sort something out.

Had to do a weekly shop at Asda and that was tough as it was busy and hot.  Lunch at Mum and Dad's and a bit of a rest.  Jack asked to stay over again and of course they said yes.  So Jono and I came home and I had a lay down (again).

Nice chilled evening watching 'Strictly'.

Love Clare xx

Ah, that's more like it. No head pain in the night and got straight up this morning. Very strange indeed.

Feel human today - until lunchtime.

Only worrying/scary thing was my friend Helen (D) came to pick me up and we went to Sheeplands Garden Centre for lunch.  After having lunch I had difficulty with my right leg.  It didn't seem to want to work.  Helen had to hold me up or I'd have been on the floor.  I've had trouble 'dragging' my left foot but never my right.  Only lasted a few minutes but was very scary.

Good job I brought a snazzy walking stick to use if I need to.  Just have to get over the fact that I may need one!

Love Clare xx

One step forward two back.

Woke up this morning and knew as soon as I got up it was going to be a struggle.

Texted my friend Lesley who we walk to school with and she came to collect Jack.

Back to bed for me after I'd been sick, much to Jack's delight - wow did you see that - er yes I certainly did!! Wouldn't normally do it in front of him but he was cleaning teeth and I couldn't wait.

Head was thumping all day long and felt nauseous, managed to ring Macmillan nurse and she said straight away to go back to 4mg of steroid every morning.  I also mentioned that there was blood in my sick (I say sick but it was literally bile), she didn't say too much just asked if it was streaky or not!

Dosing all day is just so boring. 

Jono got his and Jack's tea/lunches etc ready and he actually said that although he doesn't want to think about it he knows he can do the things I do.  He's a brilliant Daddy.

Got up at 8.30pm to stretch my legs etc and I will be going back to bed soon.

Let's hope tomorrow is a better day

Love Clare xx

Much better start to the day today.

Slept through from 10.50pm to 5.30am which is a first for weeks if not months.

Got loads done today.  Got Jack's advent calendar ready as it takes a while to attach the match boxes so didn't want to leave it last minute.

 double click and it will be bigger

After that I sorted out some cross stitch stuff as I need to a card for Jack for Christmas and a couple of other cards.

Then I finally finished my 'book' that I've done for Jack.  It is all things about me that he may want o know, from my birth to his.  All sorts of things in it, school/work/friends/family/fav things/ his birth story etc.

Just need to get it printed like and annual.  So pleased with it.

Also amended some 'funeral' stuff and 'wishes' stuff and have done a list of things that I'd people to have.  Found a fab website that uses ashes to make things.  Showed Jon and he's happy for it to be done.

http://www.bathaquaglass.com/memorial-glass.html

I think it's a nice idea and then rest can still be scattered if Jon wishes.

So productive day without to much exertion.

Love Clare xx

I feel crap.
So sick of waking early morning and my head pounding, makes me feel sick and I hate that feeling.

I know that there is lot going on inside my head (as in tumours not thoughts) but I just wish I could wake and feel 'normal', instead of wobbly/feint/sick.  It's very scary.

Had a lovely time at Sue Ryder Fireworks and Halloween last night.  Next years date was printed on the programme, do I think I'll be here to go?  No, not if I'm honest and baring a miracle.  I said to Wendy yesterday that I hope to make my 46th birthday but even that's now making me think I'm being too optimistic.

Oh this is turning into a 'poor me' post.  When I feel ill that's how it makes me feel.  I hate being like this.

I will snap out of it soon.

**update**

I did indeed snap out of it, by 9am I was feeling 99% better and had a good day in the end. Made cakes, did washing, ironing, roast dinner and bits and bobs around the house

Nothing keeps me down for long.

Love Clare xx

Hospital again today,  3 weeks go so quickly.

Treatment done fairly quickly but then had to wait over an hour to see Dr C.

Told him I hadn't reduced steroids and he was fine with this and suggested that I reduced by 1mg from the weekend, so I will reduce Sunday as nothing going on Sunday and Monday so if I feel rough I can go to bed.

I asked what the situation was with brain tumours i.e. what can be done when they start up again.  He said if one particular area was causing me 'trouble' they would consider a targeted area of radiotherapy.

I have a hard lump on my right breast and he said last time that he thought is was scar tissue from my lumpectomy. I asked again as not convinced but he is adamant.

He's planning a CT for after Christmas. Which is a good thing as it shows he thinks I'll still be here for that!

Met Mum, Dad and Jack in town.  Back to their house and then Jono, Dad and I went out in the evening for a meal at Tampopo.

Love Clare xx

Another one succumbs to this hideous disease.

This time it's the daughter of a fellow BC suffer that I met on the BC forum. 

Karen was only just 40yrs old and leaves a hubby and daughter aged 5yrs.  She like me had extensive secondary cancers and ultimately they were in her head.

Jon immediately asks when she was diagnosed and I know what he's thinking.  She was diagnosed with brain mets in March I think, my friend Paula was diagnosed in March last year and both are now gone 7mths on.

By my reckoning I may make end of Jan if I follow form...better do as want a nice Xmas and have just got tickets to see Blood Brothers at end of Jan!!

It truly is the most indiscriminate, hideous disease that there is (no offence to MS/Motor Neurone etc suffers but this is happening to me).

RIP Karen and may your Mum Marie have the strength to go on as the days go by.

Love Clare xx

Sad day as I decided that my wedding and engagement ring had to come off as my fingers have got so fat. 

I tried yesterday using soap/vaseline/making my fingers cold etc but to no avail. Should have done it weeks back in hindsight.

Went into town and had both of them cut off. The man in the jewellers was so nice to me (he lost his 1st wife to cancer, she must have been so young as he wasn't as old as me I don't reckon).

I have engraving on the inside of my wedding ring but it was impossible to see where the writing ending and unfortunatley he cut through the date but promised that they would make good when putting it back togehter.  I did go to a reputable jewellers with a doorman (get me!), so should be ok, just didn't fancy Samuals/Ernest Jones dealing with me.

Both rings will be ready in about 2 weeks.

I decided not to have then made bigger as I may have to have them off again so I'm having them mended and will put away safely for Jon to look after for Jack to have one day.

Couldn't have a bare finger so got a cheap silver ring that looks ok, well I think so.

Love Clare xx

Busy old week last week...

Tuesday Paul and Janys arrived from Spain to stay a few days, which is lovely now we can put them up as I get to see more of them.

Wednesday Wendy's birthday lunch at London Street Brasserie..lovely. 

Thursday was my lovely hubby's 40th Birthday...we dropped Jack at school and went into town to get Jono some new clothes...he managed to get 2 pairs of jeans/a coat/a jumper and a shirt. We had lunch at Prezzo's which was lovely.

In the evening we went for an Indian with Paul, Janys and Dad...again lovely.

Friday I went to Lucinda's Mum's funeral...very sad, as I kept thinking what if that was my Mum...she was a loved lady and so many nice things said about her.

Saturday was a day of bit's and pieces..shopping for tea on Sunday and tidying up.

Sunday we went to The Moat House for lunch to celebrate Jono's birthday with my family and it was really nice.  Back here for cream tea and birthday cake.

So busy weekend but I had lots of help so not too tiring.

Love Clare xx

Woke at 4.30am and felt retched, the pain across my right eye and forehead was excruciating.  I didn't want to take my daily dose of steroids at 4.30am so put up with it until 6am...felt quite sick with the pain so had some paracetamol as well.

For then 1st time since being dx with brain mets I was scared today...eek!

Went to Finchampstead as Jack had TKD testing and we got there, walked up stairs and I started to lose my balance, felt really wobbly and didn't feel as if I was in the room, had to sit down before I fell down.  Recovered enough to have a shortbread and latte after which I felt a bit better.

Have had waves of lightheadedness this afternoon and feeling of not being too steady, but Jack and I just chilled out for a while.  He is such a good boy as never asks to go anywhere or do anything when I'm not feeling too good...just tells me he loves me.

When I was with Jon yesterday, I was having trouble walking, dragging my left foot now and again...hoping that increasing the steroid dose from this morning will sort it out.  I know that I can't keep the tumours at bay for ever but would like to see another Christmas/birthday feeling relatively well and of course Tim & Vic's wedding...is that too much to ask?

Love Clare xx

Hospital again today for my 'normal' treatment.

Went in about 9.30am (as they drug company 'forgot' to send tall the Herceptin orders!!) and was out and down in clinic for 11am.

Had a bit of a wait as usual but saw Dr C and went through my list of  'niggles'...main one being head and eye pain so, unfortunately he said double the dose of steroids for 10 days if it calms down reduce again to see if it is doing any good. Not what I wanted or need but if it's prolonging my life then so be it.

Jon was off today so he picked me up and went to lunch and then to Nationwide and paid off our mortgage...how lovely but a shame I have to be ill to do it!!  Through a bit of a hissy fit at the redemption figure £751.00!!! plus admin charges of £90!

Popped round Mum and Dad's for a cuppa and chat, picked up Jack from school and went to do weekly shop at Asda...very busy and one miserable child...make me so angry!! - his legs hurt could he go in the trolley, can I have, can I have...I think my idea of shopping and phoning Jon to pick me up was the best idea...but no they wanted to shop with me...

All sorted and pit away for another week...think I'll go back to home delivery...much more calming!

Love Clare xx

Jack went to his 1st football match at the weekend Reading v Boro...not a good scoreline 0-0 and he managed to fall asleep for 20mins of the 2nd half!!

Nathaniel and Aaron stayed over corrupting their Uncle...not that it takes much, but good time was had by all and that's what counts

Mondays are starting to be a struggle..Jack's school stuff weighs a ton and there's no way he can carry it...it really hurts my back but it could also be due to the size of my huge stomach.  The more weight I put on the worse I feel - no energy/aching/getting out of breath/walking slower.  If I want to defy the odds I have to start helping myself.  No one else can do it for me.

I have said it before but this time really want to make an effort with losing some weight.  It makes me so miserable seeing what I've turned into..so I have done a dinner menu for the next 2 weeks, I do have quite a few meals out socially and will promise to myself to choose off the menus wisely.

Why is it so hard?..

Having cancer is hard enough without all the associated crap.

Love Clare xx