Another one succumbs to this hideous disease.

This time it's the daughter of a fellow BC suffer that I met on the BC forum. 

Karen was only just 40yrs old and leaves a hubby and daughter aged 5yrs.  She like me had extensive secondary cancers and ultimately they were in her head.

Jon immediately asks when she was diagnosed and I know what he's thinking.  She was diagnosed with brain mets in March I think, my friend Paula was diagnosed in March last year and both are now gone 7mths on.

By my reckoning I may make end of Jan if I follow form...better do as want a nice Xmas and have just got tickets to see Blood Brothers at end of Jan!!

It truly is the most indiscriminate, hideous disease that there is (no offence to MS/Motor Neurone etc suffers but this is happening to me).

RIP Karen and may your Mum Marie have the strength to go on as the days go by.

Love Clare xx

Sad day as I decided that my wedding and engagement ring had to come off as my fingers have got so fat. 

I tried yesterday using soap/vaseline/making my fingers cold etc but to no avail. Should have done it weeks back in hindsight.

Went into town and had both of them cut off. The man in the jewellers was so nice to me (he lost his 1st wife to cancer, she must have been so young as he wasn't as old as me I don't reckon).

I have engraving on the inside of my wedding ring but it was impossible to see where the writing ending and unfortunatley he cut through the date but promised that they would make good when putting it back togehter.  I did go to a reputable jewellers with a doorman (get me!), so should be ok, just didn't fancy Samuals/Ernest Jones dealing with me.

Both rings will be ready in about 2 weeks.

I decided not to have then made bigger as I may have to have them off again so I'm having them mended and will put away safely for Jon to look after for Jack to have one day.

Couldn't have a bare finger so got a cheap silver ring that looks ok, well I think so.

Love Clare xx

Busy old week last week...

Tuesday Paul and Janys arrived from Spain to stay a few days, which is lovely now we can put them up as I get to see more of them.

Wednesday Wendy's birthday lunch at London Street Brasserie..lovely. 

Thursday was my lovely hubby's 40th Birthday...we dropped Jack at school and went into town to get Jono some new clothes...he managed to get 2 pairs of jeans/a coat/a jumper and a shirt. We had lunch at Prezzo's which was lovely.

In the evening we went for an Indian with Paul, Janys and Dad...again lovely.

Friday I went to Lucinda's Mum's funeral...very sad, as I kept thinking what if that was my Mum...she was a loved lady and so many nice things said about her.

Saturday was a day of bit's and pieces..shopping for tea on Sunday and tidying up.

Sunday we went to The Moat House for lunch to celebrate Jono's birthday with my family and it was really nice.  Back here for cream tea and birthday cake.

So busy weekend but I had lots of help so not too tiring.

Love Clare xx

Woke at 4.30am and felt retched, the pain across my right eye and forehead was excruciating.  I didn't want to take my daily dose of steroids at 4.30am so put up with it until 6am...felt quite sick with the pain so had some paracetamol as well.

For then 1st time since being dx with brain mets I was scared today...eek!

Went to Finchampstead as Jack had TKD testing and we got there, walked up stairs and I started to lose my balance, felt really wobbly and didn't feel as if I was in the room, had to sit down before I fell down.  Recovered enough to have a shortbread and latte after which I felt a bit better.

Have had waves of lightheadedness this afternoon and feeling of not being too steady, but Jack and I just chilled out for a while.  He is such a good boy as never asks to go anywhere or do anything when I'm not feeling too good...just tells me he loves me.

When I was with Jon yesterday, I was having trouble walking, dragging my left foot now and again...hoping that increasing the steroid dose from this morning will sort it out.  I know that I can't keep the tumours at bay for ever but would like to see another Christmas/birthday feeling relatively well and of course Tim & Vic's wedding...is that too much to ask?

Love Clare xx

Hospital again today for my 'normal' treatment.

Went in about 9.30am (as they drug company 'forgot' to send tall the Herceptin orders!!) and was out and down in clinic for 11am.

Had a bit of a wait as usual but saw Dr C and went through my list of  'niggles'...main one being head and eye pain so, unfortunately he said double the dose of steroids for 10 days if it calms down reduce again to see if it is doing any good. Not what I wanted or need but if it's prolonging my life then so be it.

Jon was off today so he picked me up and went to lunch and then to Nationwide and paid off our mortgage...how lovely but a shame I have to be ill to do it!!  Through a bit of a hissy fit at the redemption figure £751.00!!! plus admin charges of £90!

Popped round Mum and Dad's for a cuppa and chat, picked up Jack from school and went to do weekly shop at Asda...very busy and one miserable child...make me so angry!! - his legs hurt could he go in the trolley, can I have, can I have...I think my idea of shopping and phoning Jon to pick me up was the best idea...but no they wanted to shop with me...

All sorted and pit away for another week...think I'll go back to home delivery...much more calming!

Love Clare xx

Jack went to his 1st football match at the weekend Reading v Boro...not a good scoreline 0-0 and he managed to fall asleep for 20mins of the 2nd half!!

Nathaniel and Aaron stayed over corrupting their Uncle...not that it takes much, but good time was had by all and that's what counts

Mondays are starting to be a struggle..Jack's school stuff weighs a ton and there's no way he can carry it...it really hurts my back but it could also be due to the size of my huge stomach.  The more weight I put on the worse I feel - no energy/aching/getting out of breath/walking slower.  If I want to defy the odds I have to start helping myself.  No one else can do it for me.

I have said it before but this time really want to make an effort with losing some weight.  It makes me so miserable seeing what I've turned into..so I have done a dinner menu for the next 2 weeks, I do have quite a few meals out socially and will promise to myself to choose off the menus wisely.

Why is it so hard?..

Having cancer is hard enough without all the associated crap.

Love Clare xx

Have had a lovely weekend.

Saturday was busy, flu jab for Jon and I in the morning.  

Went up to Marlow to meet Tim and Vic for lunch at the Harvester, an hour(ish) in the park after to let Jack run off excess energy and then off to get Jack's pageboy suit fitted.

Sunday we had a bit of a slow start my head was hurting when I woke up, so went back to bed for a while.  I hope it's a one off and tomorrow I'll be ok.

Off to Wendy's for Sunday lunch and as usual it was delicious.  Had to leave at 4.30pm as Jono was off to Boro (his Nanna's funeral tomorrow) and he had to go and pick up Nathaniel from Kent on the way (not on the way at all but hey ho!)

Judith and Gerry called in on their way back from Gloucester and stayed for a couple of hours.

So a busy but nice weekend.

Love Clare xx

At last I have a nominated Macmillan Nurse.  Her name is Ellen and she a lovely very knowledgeable lady.

She took notes on my whole diagnosis since 2006 and medication I'm on.

Has offered to send me leaflets and stuff on available activities at the Macmillan Centre and suggested we may like to go to the Macmillan Hotel in Bournemouth for a short break.

So although I don't feel I need her on a regular basis just now I know that she's only a phone call away if I do need any help or have any questions.  She will also try and get Dr Charlton to get a move on with my life claim..he's had the request since June!

She also suggested that we may like to contact Daisy's Dream so they can talk to Jack...he's already started asking questions and they are much better qualified to help us with him rather than messing up and trying to answer ourselves.  I will ring them next week.

Love Clare xx

On my own tonight as Jono away at Nathaniel's.

Feeling a bit sad actually, doesn't happen often but every now and again it creeps up on me out of the blue.

TV is boring even though we have just had Sky installed there still isn't anything I want to watch.  So I have been listening to music on You Tube.  

I can't believe that I was a carefree 16yr old out and about with friends never breaking the law but on the edge sometimes...and having no idea what the future held, just living for that day.

Just went up to the loo and caught sight of myself in the mirror..how can someone be reduced to looking like I do...it's so cruel.  I look at photos of me not so long ago and it's like a different person I'm looking at.

Not really sure what I'm trying to say but thinking back to my teens/20's is making me sad, I still have most of my friends from back then and of course I now have a lovely little family, so nothing to be sad about really.

I hate this disease and all that it does to you..bloating/baldness/bad stomach/tiredness/breathlessness/dizzy/nausea/anger/short term memory loss/blurry eyes and inability to write neatly!...every medication I take has horrible side effects ...I wouldn't wish cancer on my worst enemy...it's vile!

Love Clare xx

Another treatment over.  Didn't keep my clinic appointment as I have nothing to ask/say and as my consultant was away (again), so thought I'd leave it for another 3 weeks.

Didn't take that long and was out by 10.45am, usual 'Friday Club' having a laugh...me, Charlotte, nurses - Kate, Sandra, Carol.

Charlotte is due her final Herceptin on Dec 9th so it will be great for her to not have to trudge all the way from Newbury but I will be left as sole survivor of 'The Friday Club'...there were several other ladies but all have finished treatment....I'll just have to recruit some newbies as I'll chat to anyone it shouldn't be too hard.

Finally getting Sky back tomorrow after 3yrs without.  Jono is off to Kent to see Nathaniel and Aaron and to go to the football, staying over until Monday.  Hope it won't be too long a weekend on my own with Jack.

We're baking Saturday afternoon (flapjacks and gingerbread men) - Jack's request.  Sunday he has a party to go to and then we'll probably go round my Mum and Dad's as they've been away for a week.

Love Clare xx

Well last night I met up with Fiona a lady from BCpals forum.

We've been chatting for ages on FB and when I had my latest diagnosis she was compelled to come and see me.

All the way from Aberdeen!!!...how fab is that?

Went out for a meal last night and didn't stop chatting all evening, got on like a house on fire.

Today we went to Nirvana Spa.  A lovely relaxing day, still managing to chat.  Fiona had a hot stone massage whilst I just relaxed by the pool, lunch followed (yum) and then in the heated lounger room...I managed to snore as fell asleep...oops!

Hydro pool next and then Floatation...which I loved.

Champers in the Garden Room to finish off.

Jono picked us up at 5pm and my day was complete with the Strictly launch show to pair up the dancers..really looking forward to it this year (always am).

Tomorrow Fiona is coming to lunch..hope my roast lives up to the hype!!

Love Clare xx

Today is the day I meet Fiona Smith.

A lady I have been chatting to on FB and BCpals forum for a few years..

She is coming all the way down from Aberdeen and staying at The Moat House for 3 days.  Tonight we are going to The Walters Arms to have a chat and get to know each other, tomorrow we have booked a whole day at Nirvana Spa.  Sunday she is having roast at my house.

I just know we'll get on as we have same sense of humour and our health situation is similar.

So I will report back as to how the weekend went.

Love Clare xx

So another school year begins.

Y1 for Jack today and he walked up the lane with Megan very nicely indeed.  Pouring with rain mind you but he didn't seem to care.

Yesterday he asked me if he'll get chickenpox again and I said no you normally only get it once and I asked why he was asking.  He said Alice had chickenpox and her Mum died - I have no idea how he's linked the two as they aren't!  I said yes she did but she was very poorly.  End of conversation.

He was upstairs with Jon last night and asked him if I was going to die soon.  I think children know and feel a lot more than we give credit for.

I had a word with him on my own and said that yes I was poorly but not as poorly as Alice's Mum was and that I will not be going anywhere just yet.

So hard to protect them but should they be protected?...I'm not sure either way.

Anyway, enough of that enjoying my first day on my own resting and catching up with a couple of recordings.

Love Clare xx

Another week gone by and I feel good this week.

The school holidays have gone so fast, can't believe that Jack is back to school Tuesday.

Been getting in training for the school run by getting up at 7am with Jon so by Tuesday I should once again be used to early starts...although laying in until 9.30 is lovely.

Had a lovely day with the 'Baby Club' ladies and the kids all played nicely.  So lucky to have been part of a postnatal group that most ended up being really good friends and get so much support from them too.

Iris the funeral celebrant rang tonight to see how I was, I saw her before we went to Spain and she was just checking in...lol...such a lovely lady.

Something on everyday until Monday and that day will be spent very quietly, sorting uniform, ironing on labels, finishing Jack's 'Summer Holiday Diary' and generally chilling.  Swimming for Jack re-starts Monday at 4.30pm so mustn't forget to go to that!!

Just went through school inset days for next year and Jon isn't able to book any...all taken and the only week he can have in the summer is the 1st week of school hols no other full weeks available...so bloody annoying.

He's had his hours changed at work from 8am -5.50pm to 8am to 3.50pm, so now he works 5 days instead of 4 days with a day off.  Much better for helping me and taking Jack to things.  Only took exactly 3mths for his boss to do it...disgraceful if you ask me but I have a laid back placid hubby who just lets things be...I would have been on his case after 2 weeks!!

Anyway, waffle waffle...can't help myself sometimes...

Love Clare xx

What a difference a day makes..and an increase in meds..

Just by upping my steroids by 2mg I have had a fab day..only downside is I have to start re-taking Omeprazole for reflux and I'm sure they played a huge part in giving me dodgy bowels - ha ha I hear you say but it's not nice...at all!!

Went to Mum and Dad's for lunch with Judith and Gerry and then Tim and Victoria came, her engagement ring is lovely and wedding talk was so exciting.

Haven't fallen asleep at all today.

Watching a bit of TV and chilling tonight,

Love Clare xx

Horrible start to the day...sat on the edge of the bed for 30mins unable to function at all.

Luckily, Jon was off today and so I didn't have to rely on anyone else to take me in to hospital...frightened I would puke in the car!!

Went straight up to the ward and met up with my friend Charlotte.  She said straight away that I didn't look myself.  Felt so weak by the time I went in for treatment and Sandra (nurse) who saw to me was so concerned that she did full bloods.  At least 3 of the nurses thought I looked anaemic and would need a blood transfusion.

Had Herceptin and Zometa and then made my way down to clinic...they were running 2hrs late which was ok as I got there 30mins late .

Dr Charlton saw me and started by going through the bloods that were taken on the ward...nothing untoward there so no transfusion needed and then the scan results...

There are a few lymph nodes around my neck that have cancer in them but he's not concerned.  Lung looks inflamed but that has been put down to a blast of radio I had last year.  Liver had a tumour of 20mm now it has one of 38mm...BUT again he's not too concerned as in the whole scheme of things a golf ball size tumour in a large organ like the liver isn't going to be a nuisance immediately.

Head scan showed tumours have behaved how he would expect following radiotherapy..still there but shrunken...

I explained the lack of energy and that I just can't be bothered to do anything...he immediately suggested upping the steroids to 2mg a day from 1mg.

He had no idea why I was being sick and I think maybe I've admitted to myself I do get stressed over scan results after all.

Left there at 1pm and as we drove up the road had to stop for me to be sick again!!...Poor bloke walking passed didn't know what to do!!

Got in took an extra mg of steroid and what do you know feel ok this afternoon/evening.

He said that he knows how I feel about the bloatedness but at least I will feel ok.

There are 2 chemo's that he has in mind but both need to meet PCT guidelines and if they sanction one I will have to stop Herceptin and the other he wants to keep back for a while.

So all in all came out of there feeling 'ok' but know that we as a family have a 'fight' on our hands..small for now and hopefully it will remain like that for a while.

On a much happier note Tim (my nephew) and Victoria and getting married, most likely New Years Eve 2011...they have asked if Jack will be pageboy and of course I said yes...so excited.

Love Clare xx

Well, I bit the bullet and phoned my Breast Care Nurse this morning, to ask if I could be put in contact with a Macmillan Nurse.

Back in June when I was diagnosed with brain mets, they said I would benefit from one but nothing came of it.

I'm really struggling with energy levels as I've said before and need some advice on what if any supplements I can take.

The BCN said I sounded as if I would benefit from a palliative care nurse now and even if it's just to go through managing my expectations better.

The BCN used to be a palliative care nurse and she will try and come up to see me Friday when I'm at the hospital for treatment to have a chat.

So it wasn't a phone call I wanted to make but one I really had to.

Love Clare xx

I was supposed to be going up to London to see Thriller but pulled out on Friday as the thought of being up there and feeling crap filled me with dred.

As it turned out I made the right desision as Sunday wasn't a good day energy wise.  Went to Mum and Dad's for roast dinner and just about managed to eat it all.  Slept most of the afternoon in Dad's recliner!!

Today was much better, did a load of washing (bedding) and got that out and dried.  Got Jack's school shoes and some new trainers.  Had a wonder round The Range and came back for lunch.

Did a load of ironing and put it all away, so up to date with that.  Jon took Jack to Taekwando and I got us tea ready...bit of an effort but I managed it.

About 9pm I was so tired but now have a 2nd wind and after a shower feel refreshed again.

Tomorrow Jon is off again and will take me to Next/Matalan to get some bits and bobs.

So 4 more days until scan results and if I'm honest I'm a bit 'scared' of what it will show.  Not sure what will be plan of action...if tumours shrunk do I carry on as I am now?...or if worse will chemo be suggested?...we will see soon enough.

Love Clare xx

Haven't updated for a while as have been busy getting things sorted for Mandy etc to be able to stay and haven't been feeling like doing an update as I was so tired all the time.

Had a lovely weekend Michelle came over Saturday and Sunday which was nice.

Still feel tired and have the pain in my right side still, so bad over the weekend that I stayed in bed until lunchtime both Sat & Sun...seems to have calmed down now but is still there now and again.

Went to Drs today and he examined me but couldn't feel anything untoward, I said I have scan on Thursday so hopefully that will show what's going on in there.

Apart from a bit of painting, upstairs is finished, carpets and lino down and all looking very nice - who wants to stay??

Have a busy 2nd half of the week to come but next week not so busy.  Going to see Thriller on Sunday and really looking forward to it...just hope I feel OK.

Love Clare xx

Saw Dr C today and he passed my heart fit for treatment.

Explained head pain and he said to go back to taking 1mg of steroid and next week try reducing again if I get head  pain again increase by 0.5mg.

Told him about the pain in my side and he examined me for enlarged liver...he was happy that it wasn't BUT I fail to see how could feel anything beneath the flab!!...told him so and he said it was naughty Dr prescribing fat pills!!

Asked about the CT Scan and he said as both letters have the same appointment time and date assume they are doing all that he's requested if I get hassle insist and if still getting hassle get them to phone him..

Up on the ward at 10am really busy today so didn't get seen until 11.45am..home by 1.30pm though so not all bad.

Love Clare xx

Felt really 'odd' today.

Couldn't get started and laid in bed until 11.30am - disgraceful!

Head was a bit fuzzy and it was when I woke up so should have taken my tablets as soon as I woke at 7am...couldn't be bothered to go downstairs and get them.  Also have intermittent pain in my right side and lower back could be dehydration I suppose will make more of an effort to drink water throughout the day.  Other thing that springs to mind is 'liver probs'...I hope not!

Seeing Dr C on Friday so will tell him and see what makes of it, as well as yet again trying to sort out my scan on 18th Aug..original letter said chest/abdo/pelvis and to get there an hour before appt time to drink the drink!..Spoke to Dr C last time I was at hospital and said I thought he wanted my head scanned as well...he does so he sent a message/note to the scan department to tell them this...get a letter saying head scan on 18th no mention of chest/abdo/pelvis and no request to get there early..such hard work to keep up and I'm on the ball!!

If all else fails I'll get him to write a note on my letters and go to X-Ray on Friday to  try and sort it out.

Love Clare xx

Gaucin Spain July 2011

At last our holiday came around...after booking the flights in January it seemed to take an age..

Up at 5am and got on the road at 6am.  Not a good start as Jon decided to go M4/M25 well that would have been ok if Junctions 5/6 of M4 weren't shut so about turn and through Bracknell to the M3...except the A322 was closed too!!...good job we had sat nav but time was getting on. Managed to get to airport car park at 7.30am!!...bus to terminal and checked in with 20mins to spare...actually it was fab as there were no queues at all.

Got our hire car and made our way up to Gaucin arrived at 3.30pm.  Paul and Janys met us as we parked up.  Sorted out our bags etc and sat and chatted.  Janys made fajitas for tea which were deelish!

Sunday

Up at 8.30am, breakfast etc

Went to Paul's friends pool as he no longer lives there and said we could have use of his pool.  Swimming and BBQ.  Back at 5.30pm.  Chilled with wine all evening.

Monday

Up at 9am.

Coffee at El Zorro

Lunch at Mirador De La Sierra - Lentil casserole, Paella, Ice cream and of course the obligatory beer!

Coffee on way home at Bogeguita Chaparra.

Tuesday

Bahia water park from 12noon until 4.15pm.  All going ok and have a great time until Jack cut his foot on one of the water slides..went to the 1st Aid place and he had it bandaged up.

Back to P&J's at 5.30ish.  Janys made us pasta and a choc pud that was deelish..

Wine, beers and Who wants to be a millionaire...which we managed to get to a million without cheating..but we did have 2 intelligent heads and 2 trivia heads..makes all the difference.

Wednesday

Estepona market..very hot indeed

Chiranghito for lunch - sardines for me -yum

Back for a siesta.

Drinks with Isobel at Bar Antonia and Tapas for tea.

Thursday

Drove out to see Hayley and Jason Ohri at Hayley's parents place near Coin, about 1.5hrs away and not a bad drive as almost all motorway.

Had a lovely afternoon and they made us feel so welcome, I even got my cozzie on and went bald in the pool...

I have to thank Hayley for jumping in the pool fully clothed to rescue Jack as he tipped over upside down..she'd only got changed as well..so Thank You xx

BBQ cooked by Jason which was lovely and all the BBQ trimmings made by Shirley, Hayley's Mum.

Lots of chatting, revelations and secrets got spilled...they will remain in Spain...left at 10pm and got back after a hairy drive along the first road...steep drops but Jon is an excellent driver I must say.

Friday

Slow start to the day as were late to bed last night.  Went for a drink at lunchtime, back to house for lunch, and all of us just chilled in the afternoon as it was so hot...actually that isn't true Janys washed and ironed all my clothes ready to take back home..how lovely of her x

,

Tea was food from the local deli (run by Des O'Connor's daughter!!), very nice it was too.

I was so tired and lacking in energy we all went off to bed early about 10.30pm.

Saturday

Up at 8am, bags packed, breakfast and then said our goodbyes...I was really sad to say goodbye to Paul and Janys, but managed to hold it together until we drove off...I may not be able to go out there again and that makes me very sad indeed.

Flight was on time as usual, must say cannot fault Easyjet..never had a problem with them.  The bun fight for seats is hilarious..we just hang back and stroll on and still manage to get 3 seats together..same as getting off..last off but the ones who wait the shortest time at immigration and baggage reclaim..the English mentality is beyond me!

Got back at 5.30pm and Jon went to get a KFC and a pizza for me...sorted out my case and Jack's case and have about 6 things to go in the washing..bliss

So a lovely time had by all, even Jack behaved 99.9% of the time!

Tomorrow will be spent sorting out and tidying up the house...and I may just have a siesta about 2pm!!!

Love Clare xx

Kathy's funeral today.

A sad occasion but one that I managed to get through without crying.  Hard?...no not really, Wendy said that those that cried probably identify her death with themselves...same age, child same age family etc etc...and it's very frightening to think of your own mortality, therefore making your mind work overtime...I have had 5yrs to come to terms with it so whilst I was sad for Kathy and her family, I didn't feel the need to cry for myself.  I am a strange one I suppose...

A nice service at the crem with nice tributes, a couple of hymns (oh how I hate hymns at funerals as no one can manage to sing properly...except the man behind me who sang rather good actually) and a reading. 

Very spooky actually as when I got home, Iris the celebrant who I've chosen to do my funeral, had rung me for a catch up and see how I was doing.

So whilst it was a very sad day, Kathy is no longer in pain or facing uncertainty.  Trevor and Emma however are just starting out on a journey that at times will be difficult but mostly filled with love and new experiences for both of them.

RIP Kathleen

Love Clare xx

The end is in sight for the 'fat face'...

Saw Dr C today and from Monday I'm reducing the steroids from 2mg a day to 1.5mg for 10days, then 1mg for 10days and then .5 for 10days...yippee.

Of course if I feel funny or get pain then I can increase them at .5mg a time.

I did have a few questions..

I have CT scan on 18th Aug and the letter says Chest/Abdo/pelvis...all very well but seeing as the main concern is now the brain tumours why no head? So he's putting in the request again as they won't do my head on my say so...

Why do I keep getting pins and needles in my left arm/hand?...most prob due to pressure/swelling on the right side of my brain..need to keep my eye on it.

I have a 'lump' on my right breast but upon examination he thinks it's just where I had intensive radiotherapy when I had my lumpectomy...CT scan will show anything if there is anything..

Told him my eyes go blurry...that's just normal apparently not much can be done about that..

So after being on the ward until 11.30am and then seeing Dr C I had to go to pharmacy to get the new steroids...got back home at 2.25pm..

Just got in and the bloke who did the blinds turned up to put in the missing one...

So much for a nice chilled lunch and afternoon before school run.

I have shaved my head with a No.3 on my head...it was looking so bad all different lengths...much better now...

Love Clare xx

Despite a sad start to the weekend I did manage to have a good one.

Lucinda came yesterday and stayed the night, we managed to get through 3.5 bottles of wine and hideous amounts of Thorntons choc..Listening to 'old' tunes and not getting to bed until 3am..

Jack for some reason slept until 8am..unheard of and I woke without a hangover no even a smidgen of one..

BUT...my legs hurt again like they did last weekend so maybe it's alcohol that isn't agreeing with me as both times I've had wine they've hurt.

Now, I know most people think that in my position I should just enjoy myself and do/eat what I want..well yes I can but the weight is not good so I sat down and did a full weeks menu...not just dinners but brekkie/lunch and dinner and snacks in between...on SW plan so all syns counted.. I must stay on plan this week... Saturday is Wendy's Strawberry Tea and I will only have 1 scone and Jam...surely I can do that can't I?

Hilary and Kev's party in the evening so maybe a bit of drink and food will pass my lips..

Let's see if I can actually do this...

Love Clare xx

Had a lovely couple of hours wandering around Worcester Gardens at Oxfords University.

Hilary's sister Allison is a gardener there and tends to all the flowers/plants/shrubs etc..grows plums/apples/tomatoes/cucumbers in the green houses.  The weather was looking awful first thing but we got there at 12 and between 12 and 2 there was lots of sun for us and when we sat in amongst the apple trees to have our lunch my knees were actually burning in the heat!

Sadly, I came home to news that Kathy one of the Mum's from school has roughly 2 days left..she's in Adelaide ward at RBH (the best place to be as they are just fantastic on that ward IMO).  It's really shocked me as although she had been told she had liver progression about a month or so ago, I really didn't expect this to happen so soon. She did look weak when I last saw her but just thought that was due to the chemo she had been on.

I was talking to her not long ago about 'the end' and she said she just hadn't faced up to it and didn't want to think about it...unlike me..

Very scary times..seem to be losing all those who were diagnosed same time as me (Paula and Neila last year).

So not feeling too chipper after a lovely morning...I don't often ask why but WHY WHY WHY???? - to leave a small child without a Mummy is just cruel...

***Kathy died this afternoon after a long battle, first in 1998 and then again since 2006..so sad for all who knew her she was a lovely lady***

Love Clare xx

After the miserable afternoon I'd had it just got better.

Went to parents evening for Jack's end of F2 report...wow I am so chuffed..this is what was said...

Jack is a vibrant, bubbly and caring boy with an infectious sense of humour.  He has made great progress in F2 and shown an increased motivation to learn and join in with focused group activities.

Jack enjoys work with numbers. He has good number recognition and has no problem grasping increasingly complex mathematical ideas.

Jack has not got a natural love of literacy but is more capable than he realises.  He can recognise many sounds and demonstrates increased control when writing, listening well for initial and final sounds.

Jack loves to play outside, whether this is role play, investigation or construction.  He works well within a group and has a wide selection of friends to choose from.

Jack will be greatly missed in F2 and is without a doubt a credit to you!

and...**He scored really well on the learning table thingy and got up to 7's with a few 8's too**

So how come he's such a monkey at home then?!

Love Clare xx

Feel crap about the way I look...just plain bloody miserable today..

My face is so bloated that I don't want to go out now, my eyes and nose are the same size as they were and my cheeks are just so puffed up I can see them nearly touching my eyes.

Have reduced steroids as well but it's not improving..

Of course it's not all steroids, I feel hungry all the time and no amount of fruit etc that I have in the house stops me from eating all the crap we have in here too...sweets/crisps/biscuits/choc..I know we don't have to have it but Jon and Jack like it, why should they go without because I have no self control.

I think I'm more upset with myself as I said I wouldn't go down the eat what I want route as I'm 'ill'...I'm not ill as such and have full control of what I eat - so why aren't I listening to my head instead of my stomach?

My hair is so thin now and it's virtually non-existent on the crown.  Anyone who's known me for a while will know that I loved my hair and always had it looking nice...I feel like a freak now..


So it's not enough to have a fat face but no hair to speak of either. Can't wear my wig as it just looks silly with the size of my face and of course on holiday it would be too hot. So have resorted to wearing a hat..thin baker boy one so I don't get too hot.

There's another worry,  afraid good old Easyjet will pull me up as I look nothing like my passport pic and I won't want any pictures taken of me whilst we are away...can I do something in 2 weeks?...I will try.

Just feeling a bit miserable today, Jack has been off school all week, he's doing my head in to be honest as there is nothing wrong with him, so full of beans etc but every now and again needs to rush to the loo..keeps answering back and not doing as he's told...to be fair he's probably bored out of mind as indoors all day.

So a miserable Thursday here. I hope a happy Friday as I'm out with Hilary, off up to Worcester Gardens at Oxford Uni, where her sister is the landscape gardener there...bet it's fab. Don't want to put a downer on the day out.

Not like me to moan or be upset but sometimes it just creeps up on me and this afternoon was one of those times.

Love Clare xx

How frightening..

Woke in the night to excruciating pain in my feet and up my legs to my knees.  Got up and made my way downstairs very slowly. Extremely difficult one stair at a time.

Hobbled round the kitchen trying to get my feet to work properly.  Had to give in and sit down as couldn't put any weight on them.

Sat on the sofa drifted off and then managed to get back upstairs to sleep for a couple of hours.

However, in amongst all this Jack has really bad stomach upset, so between Jon and I were taking him to the toilet all night.

I'm up now 7.15am and my legs still don't feel right but no where near as bad as they did.  Feet seem to be ok but knees are now really hurting so what's all that about eh? Was so frightened that I wouldn't be able to walk by the morning, but it's ok for now.

Had a couple of days with nothing much planned but will now have Jack to entertain as not allowed back to school for 48hrs.

Love Clare xx

Jack has a new bedroom.

Jon has been working non-stop to paint, do the flooring and put the furniture together and it's all looking fab.

There are a few bits we still need to do to it....tv/dvd combi and wall bracket, small orange rug, blinds need to be fitted on order so possibly next week, notice board on order and maybe a bookcase for the dvd's.

Really pleased with the furniture, good quality and relatively easy to put together...either that or Jon is an expert.

The guest room is also getting there, just carpet and painting of skirting board and door to eaves space. Bedside table and chest of drawers on order.

Flooring for bathroom and carpet for hall, stairs, landing need to be ordered.

Sofa bed and footstool in garage to be recovered - as that's going in the games room, will go Monday to sort that out. I know what colour paint I want to do it in...so that will be next.

We had intended to do all this when we first moved in...why did we wait 4yrs...??

One chuffed lady here...

Love Clare xx