OMG!!! - I think Jack has cracked being toilet trained -woohoo!!

We have had the odd accident since the weekend but that's ok. He went to pre-school Monday with a nappy on but playgroup Thurs without as I was with him so could keep tabs on him! Even did a trip to B & Q without any accidents so braved pre-school today with pants on and no accidents.

I know there will probably be more accidents to come but hey I think our boy has got the hang of it...so proud of him.

He's been promised a couple of Spiderman toys tomorrow for being so clever....

love Clare xx

7th Herceptin

Well it's getting boring now....it's like Groundhog Day, even get called in to start treatment at the same time each session...oh now hang on I think I was about 5mins later this week and a few different faces. I was sad about one thing - the nurse that did most of my chemo 2 yrs ago wasn't there and I asked if she had a day off and they said she'd left to work in Saudi - I was sad that I didn't get to say goodbye/good luck etc but they said she didn't tell any patients as it would have been too upsetting for everyone.

Said to the nurse that I feel so tired for the rest of the day and the following day and she said of course it's the piriton....very large dose is given to stop any allergic reactions. Good news is I can stop having it from next time as after 7 sessions they assume your not going to react - watch this space!!

Sorted out dates for treatment until July as I had to see if I could move my last one in June by 4 days and that's all sorted provided my Echo's come back ok.

I did ask what mine was last time and she said 55% (don't know what that means) but if it goes below 50 I may have to have a 3 week rest to allow the heart to repair itself - that would put a spanner in the works!!

Other things that are happening at the moment are the excitement of a new bathroom providing we can get the tiles we want in time it'll get started Mon 9th Feb - yippee.

Jon is going to do the kitchen so when that's finished it'll be sit back and enjoy the summer as a family without housey jobs hanging over us.

I'm so proud of Jack, just on the off chance I put him in pants on Saturday and that's what he's been wearing ever since (with the exception of pre-school and night time), he can pull down his trousers and pants and go himself and pull them up again. Poo's are done in the toilet not the potty so that's nice and he really seems to be getting the hang of it - hurrah!!

Will do an update on 'Pottygate' in a few days!

Have had my hair done today - lovely and light again, thought I fancied going darker a while back but I do really like it blonder - thanks Angela xx

One final thing - lost another lb at SW weigh-in so that's 3.5lbs so far - moving in the right direction.

love Clare xx

Hurrah, after 3 mths waiting for the good old NHS to get me a prosthesis they have finally phoned to say I can pick it up tomorrow!! I guess it has been there for ages as they take a week maximum to order just lack of communication somewhere along the line.

Was walking back from taking Jack to pre-school and thought I must phone to see when they can do a CT scan that I have to have in Feb....about 10mins after I got home the phone rang and it was the X-Ray dept ringing to make a scan appointment - how spooky!!

I have to go on Weds 25th Feb at 9.15am, so hopefully when I see consultant for my March appointment the results will be there - feel nervous thinking about it already!!

Tomorrow I'm back for another dose of Herceptin - great!!

love Clare xx

Just when I think things are going along nicely something pops up to disrupt my world....and makes me all sad again.

A young (34yrs) woman on the breast cancer forum that I belong to lost her fight against this terrible disease -it's made me very sad as she had an awful time from the time she was diagnosed -nothing worked for her, she endured treatments that made her so ill she had to stop them - she was hopeful to start a trial at the Royal Marsden later this month but didn't quite get there - RIP Jakki

My good friend Sharon also lost her Mum this morning and although she was in her early 80's and lately not of very good health it was still her Mum and she will miss her terribly. Sharon's heart is breaking - RIP Joyce

May Jakki and Joyce sleep well in heaven

love Clare xx

Took the plunge and joined a Slimming World class last week. I would like to lose nearly 2 stone and would like to have lost it yesterday!!

Had my first weigh-in this week and lost 1.5lbs...not much but better than putting it on!

There are a few reasons why I want to lose the weight and here they are....

• to be able to get into the clothes I have and not have to buy new ones
• to have a healthier BMI
• to look fab at the 'Pink Ball' in July and not to have to struggle to get a dress
• to have scope for putting some on if I have to have steroids again without looking too bad
• to have 4 pallbearers at my funeral...if you're fat you get 6...humungous and it's 8!!!!!

Jon will go mad when he reads the last one - it's just my sense of humour and said in jest!!

So if anyone see's me eating anything that looks like it's not on a diet menu give me a nudge and shout "Oi fatty remember you want 4 not 6!!"

Love Clare xx

So here we are...a day that in 2006, I wondered if I would ever see. Jack had his 1st day at pre-school and he loved it!

Went in at 9.30am and he just sat down with all the other children on the mats and didn't even bat an eyelid when I left!!

I managed to occupy myself at home (ironing/preparing dinner etc) and hoped that I wouldn't get a call to go and get him.

When I went in to pick him up he was sat on his chair waiting with all the others and gave me a huge smile when I walked in. He has a memories book that his 'key person' writes in and she wrote that he settled in straight away...(I didn't really have any doubts but you never know) and did lots of running around and joined in everything.

He's already asked to go back after lunch....he'll have to wait until Monday!!

So my little boy is not so little anymore...how time flys....

love Clare xx

Have had a nice easy week this week, just me and my cheeky little monkey.....He's been a joy this week and for some strange reason has started eating everything that's put in front of him....not turned his nose up at one meal this week....very odd!!

Maybe he's not so little, he starts pre-school tomorrow and I think he's looking forward to it. Every day he's asked if he can go to 'small school' and I keep saying on Friday and he just shrugs and says oh.

Not sure how I'll feel leaving him on his own. Obviously I leave him with Mum and Dad a lot but that's different. Have told him I'll be leaving him and he doesn't seem to mind, he just says "pick up at 12"!!

So need to get my act together tomorrow morning as I intend to walk there, it's not far through the back cycle pathway...Apart from the odd day here and there we've been able to get up, dressed and have breakfast at our leisure for well over a year.....

Might actually have to get the house looking tidy if I have spare time on my hands....

love Clare xx

6th Herceptin

Another dose of Herceptin today and all went well.

It was so busy in there as they missed a day last week and still had patients playing catch up.

I can't really complain about the wait as each time I have been called between 10 and 10.15, so that must be the earliest the drugs come up and someone is free to see to me. I was a tad embarrassed as they've had to 'up' my dose as at my last weigh-in I had gone over into the next dosage bracket....oh dear (but that is soon to be rectified!!)

I belong to a BC forum and today met one of the ladies from there as she was also having treatment today, we've never managed to meet before as our appointments seemed to miss by a few days each time but she was one of the 'catch-up' patients so emailed me to say she'd be there today. She is such a nice lady and without thinking I did say ..'Oh your avatar pic on the forum doesn't look like you at all'...she looks so much younger in the flesh.

I got really shall I say emotional (lip quivering type of thing) as a 'young' man (he was 40 so in my book that's young) struggled to walk to the seat next to me with a stick and his Mum holding him up..that didn't upset me as much as his poor Mum having to go through this with him...she sat away from him as we were tight for space and she just looked over now and again and you could see the sorrow in her face....so sad to see.

Got back to Mum and Dad's about 12.45, had some lunch and sat on the sofa nodding off...Dad insisted I went upstairs for a lay down and so I wasn't going to argue!! I slept for just over 2hrs and it was fab.

Feel really tired this evening and have had a dodgy stomach since teatime....it is a side effect but one that I've avoided so far!!

So 1/3 of the way through if they stick to the plan. I change to Tuesdays from 27th Jan. They write your name in a diary so they know who they have coming in and the nurse said ooh lucky you Tuesdays are nice and quiet....lovely.

love Clare xx

The 1st day of a New Year is nearly over....

New Years Eve was just perfect....

Jon and I went over to Wendy and Guy's for a meal, drinks and lots of laughter...mostly provided by Jon's constant squinting (he needs new glasses!!)

The meal was (as usual) lovely and we were treated to New Years Eve presents and lots of champagne - yummmmm

Poor Guy was full of cold but battled on regardless...

We played a game of girls verses boys trivial pursuit...the boys won!!

Midnight came and after lots of hugging, kissing and general 'loving' we all went outside to watch some fireworks.

Wendy's neighbour came in about 1am and we sat chatting and then all of a sudden I realised I'd had too much to drink...off to bed for me at 2am!!

Lovely nights sleep but woke feeling rather fragile and that continued most of the day...big roast at Mum and Dad's and then a snooze on their sofa whilst Jon went upstairs and had a snooze in the peace and quiet...well he was rather more fragile than me!!

I've made my mind up and am going to Slimming World classes starting next Tuesday...I have approx 2st to lose and want to do it this time and keep it off.

I don't really have any resolutions but will try hard at what ever I do this year.

So I intend to get through this year as healthily as I can and make it through to 2010...how scary does that sound??!! - not that I make it but 2010!!!

love Clare xx

So here we are the last day of 2008.....

What a fast whizz through the months that was. Partly due to the fact that we had vitually no summer to enjoy long lazy days.

Highs of 2008:

January - Panto in Windsor, meals out with friends

February - Paul over to see us

March - Easter at Judith and Gerry's

April - Jack's 2nd birthday and it snowed on the day!! Paul over again! Finding out my pain was infact only gallstones!!

May - Jack went into his 'big bed' and Gall bladder op

June - Ascot, Helen D's 40th at Kei's

July - Annual Harrods trip for bargains and eating!!, strawberry tea

August - Garden finished, stayed at Judith and Gerry's for a few days

September - Holiday even though it was a wet and windy Devon!! Finding out the cancer wasn't as bad as it could have been and being given the chance to have Herceptin

October - Weendy's birthday meal, Sally's 40th 'do', Paul and Janys over and Divas II in London

November - Party in Boro and staying up there a few days, winter wonderland day out with friends

December - Strictly Final round here with 'baby club' girls and of course Christmas with my family'

Lows of 2008 (not so many)

February - pain all month (gall bladder), Hearing that Julie and Jane J's Mum both have BC

March - Hearing that Nick (and Mandy) have to go through the same pain as us with all that a cancer diagnosis entails

May - repeat mammo and all the fear that stirs up

June - Being told I have cancer again

August - losing a breast (I'm still looking for it!!)

Apart from that not too bad a year really!!

First part of my year was good, apart from the mystery pain that turned out to be Gallstones (which resulted in my Gallbladder being removed at the end of May), had a scan in March and all looked ok..or so I thought.

Went along for a 'routine' mammogram and.....

Just wasn't prepared for the devastation of yet more cancer to deal with...I say devastation as that's what it is but it doesn't consume my whole days...when I do sit and think about what it all means I do get scared mainly for Jon and Jack, and those who I'll leave behind.

For now though...I intend to make the most of the things I have planned for 2009 and get through the rest of my treatments that at the moment finish in September.

So tonight Jack is at Grandma (Ma's) and Grandad's (Dada) and Jon and I are at Wendy and Guy's for an evening of food/drinks and I expect lots of laughs and maybe a few tears - that would from Wendy and Me!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my family and friends xx

See you in 2009!!

love Clare xx

I really dislike this time between Christmas and New Year....it's kind of no-mans land, food and drink to use up, an excuse to carry on eating/drinking...even though I know I shouldn't!!

I want to get on and get started with my resolutions and my main one is to lose all the weight I've put on since August. I know I say it every year but I'm now actually disgusted with the amount of weight I've piled on.

When I found out about my new diagnosis in June I just though 'what the F' I'll eat what I like...and so now I'm a stone and a half more than I was 4 months ago.

I have lots to look forward to in 2009....

Mum's 80th, Jack's 3rd, my 43rd!!, a holiday to Spain to see Paul and Janys and of course 'The Pink Ball'.

I will never forgive myself if I feel/look fat and have to 'make do' with a dress that I don't really like.

I'm going to follow the Slimming World eating plan again, I know it works if I stick at it, so today I made some batches of chilli/spag bol and some soups for lunchtime to give me a kick start.

When I saw the registrar a couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I don't get regular periods but when I do they are evil...well I have another, only 30 or so days after the last. I did talk about having the Zolodax injection but for some reason they keep putting me off and saying that it'll bring on the menopause and 'all that comes with it'.....I bet it's not as miserable as I'm feeling today!! Oh well lets hope that they are few and far between in 2009!! If not I will be asking for a solution!

Jack has been a joy to be with these last few days, really giggly and cuddly, not the misery he was when he had thet horrible cold and who could blame him it was really bad for him.

He's now going to bed on his own, we just read a story for him and that's it main light out (he has a Roary Car Go Glow Light) and door shut. He's even managed to last all night with just coming in at 6am the last few days..the best bit as I get to have big cuddles.

Really looking forward to New Year and to not having regrets next year that I had this year.....

love Clare xx

Christmas Day morning was just so lovely...not up too early at all 7am and I sort of nudged Jack awake!!

He opened a few smallish presents in bed with us and then we went downstairs for the bigun's...he got exactly what he asked for ...a drum, guitar and rocket. Lots of other things from family and friends that he loved too..especially a Peppa Pig Helicopter!!

Off to Judith and Gerry's at about 11.30am and Mum and Dad came with us, Christmas dinner as always was delicious and of course I ate far too much!!

Jack played with various toys all afternoon and was so good considering he hadn't had a sleep all day. He went up about 8pm and fell asleep after 2 stories from Daddy.

Boxing Day and even more food...lots of nice things, we were really spoilt.

We left at 7ish and expected Jack to fall asleep in the car...he didn't and has just gone up!

I didn't think about our situation much at all, what's the point in being sad when Jack is so happy, when he's happy everyone's happy...he's infectious!!

Hope to have a few days rest and recouperation from excess drink and food and prepare for New Year...where I shall have so many resolutions I'd better start writing them now!!!!

love Clare xx

Feel so much better now, the achey flu like symptoms have gone.

Quite tired due to lack of sleep, seem to have an extra little person in our bed most nights...it is lovely though to get to have big cuddles with a warm little man.

All ready for Christmas just a bit of last minute wrapping to do, mind you we are away Christmas Day and Boxing Day so not much to organise.

Had a really good night on Saturday, 5 lovely friends round for the 'Strictly' final...lots of laughs, drinking, food, secret santa, festive quiz (boy was that hard!!). Jon arrived home at 2am from his work 'do'....he didn't surface until 2pm on Sunday afternoon!! and still had a fuzzy head.

Spend nearly all last night trying to add a slideshow to my blog but it just kept adding it as a post so that's where it's going to have to stay for now....

So glad that I have no hosptial visits over Christmas and New Year...that worked out really well.

love Clare xx

So pleased that I now have somewhere to carry on my 'Waffling'...and only people that I want to read it can and those who do read it can post comments if they wish not because they feel they have to.

Have felt rubbish since Monday and think some of it may be due to the treatment as it can give 'flu like' symptoms.

Heard some bad/sad news this week in that my exhubby has bowel cancer...

I'm not sure how I should feel...part of me is sad as I don't want him to go through all that it entails and the other part of me feels bad for having any feelings where he's concerned at all, as we split in 1993 and have only seen each other twice since then.

This crap disease is so in your face all the time...I bet there isn't one person who doesn't know someone with cancer....grrr!

love Clare xx

Monday 15th December 2008

5th Herceptin

The usual rush to get Jack sorted and out of the house by 7.45am.

Got the hospital for 8.30am and let them know on West Ward that I was there, so they could 'order' my drugs.

Went downstairs to the Cancer Clinic and booked in there only to be told that although my appointment was at 9am the consultant would be ther until nearer 10am - grrr!!

Anyway, I was seen earlier by his registrar. She said the Echo results were fine and signed me off to have 4 more lots of treatment.

She examined me and said everything was ok. I told her about the pain in my side and she didn't seem too worried as she couldn't feel anything weong with my liver so she's arranging a CT scan for the end of Feb so that when I see the consultant next time the results of that and the next Echo will be with him.

Went back up to the chemo ward and expected to wait a while but was called straight in and started on by 10.15am.

Finished at 12.30 and was back at Mum and Dad's by 12.45am.

Jack was poorly today and had slept most of the morning, so I took advamtage of that and whilst he was sleeping again in the afternoon I went for a lay down...for 2hrs!!

So next one after New Year - Monday 5th and then swapping to Tuesdays from then on.

love Clare xx

Tuesday 2nd December 2008

Had my appointment for my Echocardiagram today.

All ok, so should be given the go ahead to carry on with Herceptin.

love Clare xx

Monday 1st December 2008

Went to my GP this morning.....She felt about and decided that I'd need a scan to see what was going on if anything, as I'm not in actual pain just tender and when she actually examined me it did hurt, she like me thought it was a bit silly to go to her when all was needed was a CT scan and the results would be with my Onc by 15th Dec.

I'm rarely wrong in situations like this as I use logic.

She's faxing a letter to my Onc this afternoon asking for a scan asap.

So a wasted few days when the scan request could already be in the system.

Echo this afternoon...let's hope that's all ok

love Clare xx

Tuesday 25th November 2008

Well I've been tired all day and have a 'rough' throat like I'm about to get a cold.

I have a pain in my side/under my right ribs and it's been back again today so I rang my Care Nurse and explained that I was due to see Onc on 15th Dec but should I have a scan before then so when I do see him he'll have some results to talk to me about -good or bad.

The answer was - go and see your GP first.

I'm under the hospital at the moment so why bring a 3rd party into it?

I just did as she said and have got an appointment to see my GP on Monday (I could have gone earlier but wanted to see my GP not just any GP ), I expect she'll just write to my Onc who will then suggest a CT scan as I'm due one anyway, it won't be in time for my next appointment and I'll have to make 2 extra trips to the hospital.

I spent this afternoon thinking of different reasons why I've got pain there and all I keep thinking is that my liver is playing up - yes I know that's not good to be thinking negative thoughts like that but some days it does come at me and bite me full force on the bum.

When my Onc examines me, I lay down on the bed and breath in and he feels around my stomach/right side. Of course I've been doing a bit of self examination and all I can feel is blubber, wouldn't know if I had an enlarged liver or not.

So hopefully the pain will not get any worse before I get it seen to.

love Clare xx

Monday 24th November 2008

4th Herceptin

My goodness what a hectic start to the day...you can tell I haven't had to get up for anything in particular for a couple of years Jack was 'naughty' in the night and then decided to sleep until 7.15am, I was trying to get myself ready, Jon was getting ready for work using the bathroom when I wanted to and Jack then started playing 'silly buggers' and wouldn't get dressed I still managed to get to Mum and Dad's by 7.50am, just about had time to wish Dad 'Happy Birthday' (81 today) and then join the throng of traffic going in the direction that I wanted to go in.

Got to the hospital at 8.30am and went straight to the chemo ward to let them know I was there....finally got seen to at 10.10am.

Julie had her last radiotherapy session this morning and came to see me afterwards whilst I was waiting..now I know it's rude to laugh at people especially as this poor lady is undergoing treatment BUT...she walked in and both Julie and me said at the same time.."Bloody hell it's the grim reaper" She was extremely tall and had a long black coat on and a hood over her head...it was one of those moments that make you laugh later in the day and no one knows what the hell your chuckling about.

No cannula incidents this time as I sat very still reading my book and snoozing.

Felt very shivery all afternoon and fell asleep at Mum and Dad's in one of the reclining chairs...lovely

I have an Echo booked for next Monday afternoon and then before treatment next time I have to see the Onc to get the results - hopefully all will be ok and I can continue with treatment without having to have a break

I'm due for a CT scan and will ask for them to organise one for me...oh how I hate waiting for the results it's the pits

Nothing more to say at the moment as things appear to be going ok - fingers crossed it stays that way for a while

love Clare xx

Monday 3rd November 2008

3rd Herceptin

All go again to get to the hospital by 8.30am

Nothing to report as it all went smoothly...

Except that I pulled the canula out - by accident and had to have another fitted!!

Home by 12.45am -lovely

love Clare xx

Monday 13th October 2008

2nd Herceptin

Wow doesn’t time fly, can’t believe it’s 3 weeks already.

Tried to get to the hospital for 8.30am but traffic was so bad and only managed 8.40am.

Parked the car easily enough so that was ok.

Went up to West Ward and told them I was there. The prescriptions are only made up once you are there....an hour to wait....grrrr.

Got called in just after 10am and chose a rather comfy chair to sit in. All hooked up, Ipod on and then I fell asleep....how lovely.

It took 2hrs altogether so I was out of there just before 12.30pm.

love Clare xx

Friday 10th October 2008

So pleased.....Went up to London to the specialist shop Nicola Jane and was fitted with new bras and a super dooper prosthesis.

Jon and Jack dropped me off at the station and I got the train to Waterloo, throughout the journey all I could think was I was going to be so disappointed as I really hate bra shopping.

Got a cab to the shop and met my fitter Janine.

She went off and got some bras and a prosthesis for me and when she came back I asked her if she was going to measure me...she said she’d done it by eye..been fitting women for 20 or so years. Suffice to say she got it spot on!!

I left the shop with 3 new bras and a ‘new boob’ and £233 lighter!!

It looks great and you’d be hard pushed to notice which was real and which wasn’t.

Will still get my free one from the NHS as you can never have too many!!

So that part of the process is over and I feel so much better – more complete.

love Clare xx

Thursday 2nd October 2008

Had an appointment today at the prosthetic clinic….feel really deflated and fed up.

The nurse doing the fitting was so nice and trying her hardest to find one that fitted me so I could go home with my new boob today. It wasn’t happening at all. There must have been at least 100 of the damn things just sitting in their boxes waiting for an owner but not one to fit me.

My bras aren’t right and I now have to go to a specialist shop and get fitted properly (John Lewis got it wrong). My remaining breast is very fleshy and I don’t just mean big, the breast tissue goes on for miles around the actual boob bit (are you following?).

The prosthetic breast should match as near as possible and the ones that do are far too big for the style of bra that I have. So I have to now find time to go to either London, Chichester or Eastleigh and get some new bras sorted out.

They all sell online but what’s the point in that I need to be measured and have a bra fitted with the correct size prosthetic.

Close to tears was how I would describe how I felt as I had hoped to be sporting a lovely new boob tonight (actually I did have a wobble when my Dad asked how it went and had to go to the bathroom and get my head together). The nurse did replace my foam one with a larger one and I do feel a lot better for that.

Having cancer is tough but trying to live everyday as normal as possible is tougher, especially when you are made to feel like some kind of freak because I’m not a regulation 36B/C (the nurse didn’t make me feel like that – my head did)

I also learnt today that a man that was having chemo and radiotherapy the same time as me, has died…only 48yrs old – life is sometimes so crappy.

love Clare xx

1st Herceptin

Early start for us today…

Had to get up make myself look presentable and get Jack ready and in the car by 7.30am…not an easy task when you normally have all day!

Dropped Jack off at Mum and Dad’s and then proceeded to plough my way through ‘rush hour’ traffic…

Got to the hospital at 8.25am and booked in at reception. I was dreading going into the chemo ward as the last time I was in there was 2yrs ago this week and thought I’d seen the back of that place for a long time. It smells odd…sort of chemical smell (derrr…that’s probably the ‘chemo’ drugs then).

Of course they didn’t have my notes, they had my prescription form so they put that in motion as soon as I got there.
Actual treatment started at 10.05am and the nurse said I’d be there for 6 hrs after the start of treatment. Watched a film ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, which got rid of 2hrs of boredom.

Tried reading a book I’m struggling with but it’s still pants so gave it up as a bad read. Had lunch – an egg and cress sandwich which was a bit dire, yoghurt and some orange juice – so it’s not all bad.

The actual infusion took 3hrs and then I just had to wait to see if I had a reaction of any kind – I didn’t. So at 4.05pm on the dot they took out my cannula and said I could go home.

Back on 13th October for No. 2

love Clare xx

Friday 19th September 2008

It's all go go go.......I start my 1st of 18 Herceptin treatments on Tuesday (23rd) every 3 weeks and will change to Monday's from 13th October (Jon's b'day).

They want me there at 8.30am and said to expect to be there most of the day, they have to administer the drugs very slowly and then monitor if I have any reactions....

So obviously my consultant managed to get funding...I did find out why he may not have... one of the 'rules' set down by the Trust is that it has to be given the same time as chemo or no longer than 6 months after chemo.

So I consider myself extremely lucky to be given the chance to have this drug.

The only 'downer' if there is one, is that I had to sign the consent form and the reason given for needing the drug is down as: 'Improve survival'...that kind of made me sad.

Just wish it said...'Rid her of this terrible disease'.

So the next part of my treatment is soon to start...it's such a long haul this being ill lark.

love Clare xx

Wednesday 17th September 2008

Went to have my Echocardiogram done today.

All seems ok and the very nice man who did it for me gave me my notes to take to the Cancer Centre so I don't have to wait the min 10days for the results to get through.

I went down there and they managed to get me in to see my consultant on Friday at 11.15am..this will be to get the results of the Echo and to sort out when I can start treatment (that's assuming he's got the go ahead from the Trust).

I also made an appointment at the prosthesis clinic for 2nd October, so at last I will have a 'proper pretend boob'. The foam one is ok but it weighs nothing and the sheer weight of my right boob drags my bra across my body...it's like I have one huge boob sometimes.

Also as you can imagine my real one droops further than a bit of foam.

I really hope to start treatment next week, as it's on a 3 weekly cycle it will fit in with some nice social things I have planned...a week later and it could all be scuppered.

They do let you move it about by a few days here and there but I hate being awkward.

love Clare xx

Monday 1st September 2008

Been thinkoing about little ones preparing to go off to school for the first time and hope that I will be preparing with Jack in a couple of years time. When I was having a chat with the surgeon about reconstruction I made a remark about it not being worth it as I'm already nearly half way to the 'average' prognosis and he said that initially, before any treatment they had given a prognosis of 18mths.

Obviously I responded well and have gone passed the 18tmths, but I keep wondering how long can the liver and lung tumours keep away, periodic CT scans just make me nervous as I dread the results...

Have so many questions that can't be answered as 'the people in the know', don't know.

After this last diagnosis I'm beginning to feel that I should be making the most of what time I do have but sometimes I just can't be bothered....yesterday I felt guilty as we'd done nothing all day...but should I really be expected to be out and about all the time.

I'm gutted that we go away on Saturday and where we are staying is a lovely indoor pool that I will just have to sit and watch Jack in with Jon....this horrible disease not only shortens your life but also takes away some of the enjoyment that I have at the minute.

Gosh just read this back and obviously feel sorry for myself today.

I think these thought/feelings are always there I just chose to shut them away and try and get on with things.

love Clare xx

Tuesday 19th August 2008

Got my results and treatment plan today....

Firstly, saw the surgeon who went through the pathology report..No nodes affected so no need for more surgery. No vascular invasion and margins were clear. Was as suspected 2 Grade 3 tumours BUT...not Triple Negative as first pathology result indicated but HER2 positive.

Waited over an hour to see my oncologist...Plan of action is as follows:

• NO extreme chemo. It was decided that as it hadn't spread further we would save the harsh chemo as ammunition for a later date.
• Have to have a year of Herceptin (if the PCT agrees to fund** - they better do!)
• No radiotherapy.
• Heart ultrasound done before I can start on Herceptin and the appointment should come through before my holiday so I can start the chemo when I get back from my holiday.

**Herceptin is usually given alongside another chemo (such as Taxotare which is what I would have had) if it isn't, the PCT will want to know why it's necessary to have the Herceptin but not the Taxotare. My oncologist spoke to another oncologist and they think they can 'bend the rules' for a patient who isn't text book stuff .

So all in all so much better than I thought but not one of my scenarios mentioned yesterday.

love Clare xx

Monday 18th August 2008

Tomorrow at 9.30am I will be getting my results of the pathology report following my mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy and it should be one of the following scenarios....

• They decide to do nothing more - yippee/hurrah etc.
• They say more surgery on the nodes - no, don't fancy that one.
• Immediate chemo (well within 4 weeks or so) - it's do-able but could do without it.
• Radiotherapy - again do-able but would like to pass on that, will it do if I'm told to.
• Could tell me some other awful news that doesn't really bear thinking about - you just don't know what they might have found/seen etc.

I will need to have some draining done whilst I'm there and that may relieve the soreness.

Also need to remember to ask for a 'proper' prosthesis appointment as I'd like to get it sorted asap as the foam boob is ok but 'not right' - well it wouldn't be would it but I know what I mean.

I'm back at the hospital again at 2.15pm for an ovary scan and then to see the consultant at 2.35pm - hopefully that will be the last of that and he'll say it' just a cyst that comes and goes with my cycle and can be left alone .

Fingers crossed it's all ok and I can get on with being 'The Flat One'.

love Clare xx