So here we are the last day of 2008.....

What a fast whizz through the months that was. Partly due to the fact that we had vitually no summer to enjoy long lazy days.

Highs of 2008:

January - Panto in Windsor, meals out with friends

February - Paul over to see us

March - Easter at Judith and Gerry's

April - Jack's 2nd birthday and it snowed on the day!! Paul over again! Finding out my pain was infact only gallstones!!

May - Jack went into his 'big bed' and Gall bladder op

June - Ascot, Helen D's 40th at Kei's

July - Annual Harrods trip for bargains and eating!!, strawberry tea

August - Garden finished, stayed at Judith and Gerry's for a few days

September - Holiday even though it was a wet and windy Devon!! Finding out the cancer wasn't as bad as it could have been and being given the chance to have Herceptin

October - Weendy's birthday meal, Sally's 40th 'do', Paul and Janys over and Divas II in London

November - Party in Boro and staying up there a few days, winter wonderland day out with friends

December - Strictly Final round here with 'baby club' girls and of course Christmas with my family'

Lows of 2008 (not so many)

February - pain all month (gall bladder), Hearing that Julie and Jane J's Mum both have BC

March - Hearing that Nick (and Mandy) have to go through the same pain as us with all that a cancer diagnosis entails

May - repeat mammo and all the fear that stirs up

June - Being told I have cancer again

August - losing a breast (I'm still looking for it!!)

Apart from that not too bad a year really!!

First part of my year was good, apart from the mystery pain that turned out to be Gallstones (which resulted in my Gallbladder being removed at the end of May), had a scan in March and all looked ok..or so I thought.

Went along for a 'routine' mammogram and.....

Just wasn't prepared for the devastation of yet more cancer to deal with...I say devastation as that's what it is but it doesn't consume my whole days...when I do sit and think about what it all means I do get scared mainly for Jon and Jack, and those who I'll leave behind.

For now though...I intend to make the most of the things I have planned for 2009 and get through the rest of my treatments that at the moment finish in September.

So tonight Jack is at Grandma (Ma's) and Grandad's (Dada) and Jon and I are at Wendy and Guy's for an evening of food/drinks and I expect lots of laughs and maybe a few tears - that would from Wendy and Me!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my family and friends xx

See you in 2009!!

love Clare xx

I really dislike this time between Christmas and New Year....it's kind of no-mans land, food and drink to use up, an excuse to carry on eating/drinking...even though I know I shouldn't!!

I want to get on and get started with my resolutions and my main one is to lose all the weight I've put on since August. I know I say it every year but I'm now actually disgusted with the amount of weight I've piled on.

When I found out about my new diagnosis in June I just though 'what the F' I'll eat what I like...and so now I'm a stone and a half more than I was 4 months ago.

I have lots to look forward to in 2009....

Mum's 80th, Jack's 3rd, my 43rd!!, a holiday to Spain to see Paul and Janys and of course 'The Pink Ball'.

I will never forgive myself if I feel/look fat and have to 'make do' with a dress that I don't really like.

I'm going to follow the Slimming World eating plan again, I know it works if I stick at it, so today I made some batches of chilli/spag bol and some soups for lunchtime to give me a kick start.

When I saw the registrar a couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I don't get regular periods but when I do they are evil...well I have another, only 30 or so days after the last. I did talk about having the Zolodax injection but for some reason they keep putting me off and saying that it'll bring on the menopause and 'all that comes with it'.....I bet it's not as miserable as I'm feeling today!! Oh well lets hope that they are few and far between in 2009!! If not I will be asking for a solution!

Jack has been a joy to be with these last few days, really giggly and cuddly, not the misery he was when he had thet horrible cold and who could blame him it was really bad for him.

He's now going to bed on his own, we just read a story for him and that's it main light out (he has a Roary Car Go Glow Light) and door shut. He's even managed to last all night with just coming in at 6am the last few days..the best bit as I get to have big cuddles.

Really looking forward to New Year and to not having regrets next year that I had this year.....

love Clare xx

Christmas Day morning was just so lovely...not up too early at all 7am and I sort of nudged Jack awake!!

He opened a few smallish presents in bed with us and then we went downstairs for the bigun's...he got exactly what he asked for ...a drum, guitar and rocket. Lots of other things from family and friends that he loved too..especially a Peppa Pig Helicopter!!

Off to Judith and Gerry's at about 11.30am and Mum and Dad came with us, Christmas dinner as always was delicious and of course I ate far too much!!

Jack played with various toys all afternoon and was so good considering he hadn't had a sleep all day. He went up about 8pm and fell asleep after 2 stories from Daddy.

Boxing Day and even more food...lots of nice things, we were really spoilt.

We left at 7ish and expected Jack to fall asleep in the car...he didn't and has just gone up!

I didn't think about our situation much at all, what's the point in being sad when Jack is so happy, when he's happy everyone's happy...he's infectious!!

Hope to have a few days rest and recouperation from excess drink and food and prepare for New Year...where I shall have so many resolutions I'd better start writing them now!!!!

love Clare xx

Feel so much better now, the achey flu like symptoms have gone.

Quite tired due to lack of sleep, seem to have an extra little person in our bed most nights...it is lovely though to get to have big cuddles with a warm little man.

All ready for Christmas just a bit of last minute wrapping to do, mind you we are away Christmas Day and Boxing Day so not much to organise.

Had a really good night on Saturday, 5 lovely friends round for the 'Strictly' final...lots of laughs, drinking, food, secret santa, festive quiz (boy was that hard!!). Jon arrived home at 2am from his work 'do'....he didn't surface until 2pm on Sunday afternoon!! and still had a fuzzy head.

Spend nearly all last night trying to add a slideshow to my blog but it just kept adding it as a post so that's where it's going to have to stay for now....

So glad that I have no hosptial visits over Christmas and New Year...that worked out really well.

love Clare xx

So pleased that I now have somewhere to carry on my 'Waffling'...and only people that I want to read it can and those who do read it can post comments if they wish not because they feel they have to.

Have felt rubbish since Monday and think some of it may be due to the treatment as it can give 'flu like' symptoms.

Heard some bad/sad news this week in that my exhubby has bowel cancer...

I'm not sure how I should feel...part of me is sad as I don't want him to go through all that it entails and the other part of me feels bad for having any feelings where he's concerned at all, as we split in 1993 and have only seen each other twice since then.

This crap disease is so in your face all the time...I bet there isn't one person who doesn't know someone with cancer....grrr!

love Clare xx

Monday 15th December 2008

5th Herceptin

The usual rush to get Jack sorted and out of the house by 7.45am.

Got the hospital for 8.30am and let them know on West Ward that I was there, so they could 'order' my drugs.

Went downstairs to the Cancer Clinic and booked in there only to be told that although my appointment was at 9am the consultant would be ther until nearer 10am - grrr!!

Anyway, I was seen earlier by his registrar. She said the Echo results were fine and signed me off to have 4 more lots of treatment.

She examined me and said everything was ok. I told her about the pain in my side and she didn't seem too worried as she couldn't feel anything weong with my liver so she's arranging a CT scan for the end of Feb so that when I see the consultant next time the results of that and the next Echo will be with him.

Went back up to the chemo ward and expected to wait a while but was called straight in and started on by 10.15am.

Finished at 12.30 and was back at Mum and Dad's by 12.45am.

Jack was poorly today and had slept most of the morning, so I took advamtage of that and whilst he was sleeping again in the afternoon I went for a lay down...for 2hrs!!

So next one after New Year - Monday 5th and then swapping to Tuesdays from then on.

love Clare xx

Tuesday 2nd December 2008

Had my appointment for my Echocardiagram today.

All ok, so should be given the go ahead to carry on with Herceptin.

love Clare xx

Monday 1st December 2008

Went to my GP this morning.....She felt about and decided that I'd need a scan to see what was going on if anything, as I'm not in actual pain just tender and when she actually examined me it did hurt, she like me thought it was a bit silly to go to her when all was needed was a CT scan and the results would be with my Onc by 15th Dec.

I'm rarely wrong in situations like this as I use logic.

She's faxing a letter to my Onc this afternoon asking for a scan asap.

So a wasted few days when the scan request could already be in the system.

Echo this afternoon...let's hope that's all ok

love Clare xx

Tuesday 25th November 2008

Well I've been tired all day and have a 'rough' throat like I'm about to get a cold.

I have a pain in my side/under my right ribs and it's been back again today so I rang my Care Nurse and explained that I was due to see Onc on 15th Dec but should I have a scan before then so when I do see him he'll have some results to talk to me about -good or bad.

The answer was - go and see your GP first.

I'm under the hospital at the moment so why bring a 3rd party into it?

I just did as she said and have got an appointment to see my GP on Monday (I could have gone earlier but wanted to see my GP not just any GP ), I expect she'll just write to my Onc who will then suggest a CT scan as I'm due one anyway, it won't be in time for my next appointment and I'll have to make 2 extra trips to the hospital.

I spent this afternoon thinking of different reasons why I've got pain there and all I keep thinking is that my liver is playing up - yes I know that's not good to be thinking negative thoughts like that but some days it does come at me and bite me full force on the bum.

When my Onc examines me, I lay down on the bed and breath in and he feels around my stomach/right side. Of course I've been doing a bit of self examination and all I can feel is blubber, wouldn't know if I had an enlarged liver or not.

So hopefully the pain will not get any worse before I get it seen to.

love Clare xx

Monday 24th November 2008

4th Herceptin

My goodness what a hectic start to the day...you can tell I haven't had to get up for anything in particular for a couple of years Jack was 'naughty' in the night and then decided to sleep until 7.15am, I was trying to get myself ready, Jon was getting ready for work using the bathroom when I wanted to and Jack then started playing 'silly buggers' and wouldn't get dressed I still managed to get to Mum and Dad's by 7.50am, just about had time to wish Dad 'Happy Birthday' (81 today) and then join the throng of traffic going in the direction that I wanted to go in.

Got to the hospital at 8.30am and went straight to the chemo ward to let them know I was there....finally got seen to at 10.10am.

Julie had her last radiotherapy session this morning and came to see me afterwards whilst I was waiting..now I know it's rude to laugh at people especially as this poor lady is undergoing treatment BUT...she walked in and both Julie and me said at the same time.."Bloody hell it's the grim reaper" She was extremely tall and had a long black coat on and a hood over her head...it was one of those moments that make you laugh later in the day and no one knows what the hell your chuckling about.

No cannula incidents this time as I sat very still reading my book and snoozing.

Felt very shivery all afternoon and fell asleep at Mum and Dad's in one of the reclining chairs...lovely

I have an Echo booked for next Monday afternoon and then before treatment next time I have to see the Onc to get the results - hopefully all will be ok and I can continue with treatment without having to have a break

I'm due for a CT scan and will ask for them to organise one for me...oh how I hate waiting for the results it's the pits

Nothing more to say at the moment as things appear to be going ok - fingers crossed it stays that way for a while

love Clare xx

Monday 3rd November 2008

3rd Herceptin

All go again to get to the hospital by 8.30am

Nothing to report as it all went smoothly...

Except that I pulled the canula out - by accident and had to have another fitted!!

Home by 12.45am -lovely

love Clare xx

Monday 13th October 2008

2nd Herceptin

Wow doesn’t time fly, can’t believe it’s 3 weeks already.

Tried to get to the hospital for 8.30am but traffic was so bad and only managed 8.40am.

Parked the car easily enough so that was ok.

Went up to West Ward and told them I was there. The prescriptions are only made up once you are there....an hour to wait....grrrr.

Got called in just after 10am and chose a rather comfy chair to sit in. All hooked up, Ipod on and then I fell asleep....how lovely.

It took 2hrs altogether so I was out of there just before 12.30pm.

love Clare xx

Friday 10th October 2008

So pleased.....Went up to London to the specialist shop Nicola Jane and was fitted with new bras and a super dooper prosthesis.

Jon and Jack dropped me off at the station and I got the train to Waterloo, throughout the journey all I could think was I was going to be so disappointed as I really hate bra shopping.

Got a cab to the shop and met my fitter Janine.

She went off and got some bras and a prosthesis for me and when she came back I asked her if she was going to measure me...she said she’d done it by eye..been fitting women for 20 or so years. Suffice to say she got it spot on!!

I left the shop with 3 new bras and a ‘new boob’ and £233 lighter!!

It looks great and you’d be hard pushed to notice which was real and which wasn’t.

Will still get my free one from the NHS as you can never have too many!!

So that part of the process is over and I feel so much better – more complete.

love Clare xx

Thursday 2nd October 2008

Had an appointment today at the prosthetic clinic….feel really deflated and fed up.

The nurse doing the fitting was so nice and trying her hardest to find one that fitted me so I could go home with my new boob today. It wasn’t happening at all. There must have been at least 100 of the damn things just sitting in their boxes waiting for an owner but not one to fit me.

My bras aren’t right and I now have to go to a specialist shop and get fitted properly (John Lewis got it wrong). My remaining breast is very fleshy and I don’t just mean big, the breast tissue goes on for miles around the actual boob bit (are you following?).

The prosthetic breast should match as near as possible and the ones that do are far too big for the style of bra that I have. So I have to now find time to go to either London, Chichester or Eastleigh and get some new bras sorted out.

They all sell online but what’s the point in that I need to be measured and have a bra fitted with the correct size prosthetic.

Close to tears was how I would describe how I felt as I had hoped to be sporting a lovely new boob tonight (actually I did have a wobble when my Dad asked how it went and had to go to the bathroom and get my head together). The nurse did replace my foam one with a larger one and I do feel a lot better for that.

Having cancer is tough but trying to live everyday as normal as possible is tougher, especially when you are made to feel like some kind of freak because I’m not a regulation 36B/C (the nurse didn’t make me feel like that – my head did)

I also learnt today that a man that was having chemo and radiotherapy the same time as me, has died…only 48yrs old – life is sometimes so crappy.

love Clare xx

1st Herceptin

Early start for us today…

Had to get up make myself look presentable and get Jack ready and in the car by 7.30am…not an easy task when you normally have all day!

Dropped Jack off at Mum and Dad’s and then proceeded to plough my way through ‘rush hour’ traffic…

Got to the hospital at 8.25am and booked in at reception. I was dreading going into the chemo ward as the last time I was in there was 2yrs ago this week and thought I’d seen the back of that place for a long time. It smells odd…sort of chemical smell (derrr…that’s probably the ‘chemo’ drugs then).

Of course they didn’t have my notes, they had my prescription form so they put that in motion as soon as I got there.
Actual treatment started at 10.05am and the nurse said I’d be there for 6 hrs after the start of treatment. Watched a film ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, which got rid of 2hrs of boredom.

Tried reading a book I’m struggling with but it’s still pants so gave it up as a bad read. Had lunch – an egg and cress sandwich which was a bit dire, yoghurt and some orange juice – so it’s not all bad.

The actual infusion took 3hrs and then I just had to wait to see if I had a reaction of any kind – I didn’t. So at 4.05pm on the dot they took out my cannula and said I could go home.

Back on 13th October for No. 2

love Clare xx

Friday 19th September 2008

It's all go go go.......I start my 1st of 18 Herceptin treatments on Tuesday (23rd) every 3 weeks and will change to Monday's from 13th October (Jon's b'day).

They want me there at 8.30am and said to expect to be there most of the day, they have to administer the drugs very slowly and then monitor if I have any reactions....

So obviously my consultant managed to get funding...I did find out why he may not have... one of the 'rules' set down by the Trust is that it has to be given the same time as chemo or no longer than 6 months after chemo.

So I consider myself extremely lucky to be given the chance to have this drug.

The only 'downer' if there is one, is that I had to sign the consent form and the reason given for needing the drug is down as: 'Improve survival'...that kind of made me sad.

Just wish it said...'Rid her of this terrible disease'.

So the next part of my treatment is soon to start...it's such a long haul this being ill lark.

love Clare xx

Wednesday 17th September 2008

Went to have my Echocardiogram done today.

All seems ok and the very nice man who did it for me gave me my notes to take to the Cancer Centre so I don't have to wait the min 10days for the results to get through.

I went down there and they managed to get me in to see my consultant on Friday at 11.15am..this will be to get the results of the Echo and to sort out when I can start treatment (that's assuming he's got the go ahead from the Trust).

I also made an appointment at the prosthesis clinic for 2nd October, so at last I will have a 'proper pretend boob'. The foam one is ok but it weighs nothing and the sheer weight of my right boob drags my bra across my body...it's like I have one huge boob sometimes.

Also as you can imagine my real one droops further than a bit of foam.

I really hope to start treatment next week, as it's on a 3 weekly cycle it will fit in with some nice social things I have planned...a week later and it could all be scuppered.

They do let you move it about by a few days here and there but I hate being awkward.

love Clare xx

Monday 1st September 2008

Been thinkoing about little ones preparing to go off to school for the first time and hope that I will be preparing with Jack in a couple of years time. When I was having a chat with the surgeon about reconstruction I made a remark about it not being worth it as I'm already nearly half way to the 'average' prognosis and he said that initially, before any treatment they had given a prognosis of 18mths.

Obviously I responded well and have gone passed the 18tmths, but I keep wondering how long can the liver and lung tumours keep away, periodic CT scans just make me nervous as I dread the results...

Have so many questions that can't be answered as 'the people in the know', don't know.

After this last diagnosis I'm beginning to feel that I should be making the most of what time I do have but sometimes I just can't be bothered....yesterday I felt guilty as we'd done nothing all day...but should I really be expected to be out and about all the time.

I'm gutted that we go away on Saturday and where we are staying is a lovely indoor pool that I will just have to sit and watch Jack in with Jon....this horrible disease not only shortens your life but also takes away some of the enjoyment that I have at the minute.

Gosh just read this back and obviously feel sorry for myself today.

I think these thought/feelings are always there I just chose to shut them away and try and get on with things.

love Clare xx

Tuesday 19th August 2008

Got my results and treatment plan today....

Firstly, saw the surgeon who went through the pathology report..No nodes affected so no need for more surgery. No vascular invasion and margins were clear. Was as suspected 2 Grade 3 tumours BUT...not Triple Negative as first pathology result indicated but HER2 positive.

Waited over an hour to see my oncologist...Plan of action is as follows:

• NO extreme chemo. It was decided that as it hadn't spread further we would save the harsh chemo as ammunition for a later date.
• Have to have a year of Herceptin (if the PCT agrees to fund** - they better do!)
• No radiotherapy.
• Heart ultrasound done before I can start on Herceptin and the appointment should come through before my holiday so I can start the chemo when I get back from my holiday.

**Herceptin is usually given alongside another chemo (such as Taxotare which is what I would have had) if it isn't, the PCT will want to know why it's necessary to have the Herceptin but not the Taxotare. My oncologist spoke to another oncologist and they think they can 'bend the rules' for a patient who isn't text book stuff .

So all in all so much better than I thought but not one of my scenarios mentioned yesterday.

love Clare xx

Monday 18th August 2008

Tomorrow at 9.30am I will be getting my results of the pathology report following my mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy and it should be one of the following scenarios....

• They decide to do nothing more - yippee/hurrah etc.
• They say more surgery on the nodes - no, don't fancy that one.
• Immediate chemo (well within 4 weeks or so) - it's do-able but could do without it.
• Radiotherapy - again do-able but would like to pass on that, will it do if I'm told to.
• Could tell me some other awful news that doesn't really bear thinking about - you just don't know what they might have found/seen etc.

I will need to have some draining done whilst I'm there and that may relieve the soreness.

Also need to remember to ask for a 'proper' prosthesis appointment as I'd like to get it sorted asap as the foam boob is ok but 'not right' - well it wouldn't be would it but I know what I mean.

I'm back at the hospital again at 2.15pm for an ovary scan and then to see the consultant at 2.35pm - hopefully that will be the last of that and he'll say it' just a cyst that comes and goes with my cycle and can be left alone .

Fingers crossed it's all ok and I can get on with being 'The Flat One'.

love Clare xx

Monday 11th August 2008

Have been to the clinic today to have fluid syringed off. The nurse managed 3 full ones - thought I was growing a new boob.

It's so much more comfortable now and hopefully I'll only have to go back once more on Friday or I may stretch it out until Tuesday at my results appointment.

The dressing came off today and that was such a relief, it was so tight and the nurse reckons I had a bit of an allergic reaction to it, must admit I haven't wanted to scratch once since it's been off.

She cleaned me up as best she could and so tonight I'll be able to actually wash myself properly (unscented soap on the wound for now)...

Before I had this done I hadn't seen many pictures of a mastectomy scar and those I had were flat with a neat scar right across the middle....well not mine, it's sort of wiggly and not flat at all (skin is left in case reconstruction is wanted at a later date)....I guess all the pics I'd seen before were women who were a very small cup size and skinny to boot!!

Have to admit I was a bit worried about how it would look but he's managed to do quite a good job considering there was a huge amount of boob there to deal with.

At the moment it doesn't bother me one bit and I'm happy to wear the foam insert...just glad to be here still.

I'll be moaning on soon about what I can and can't wear....no pleasing some people is there.Anyway on that note I'll go and stop waffling....

Just one more thing it's St Clare's Day today.

love Clare xx

Friday 8th August 2008

Been out of hospital 2 days now and feel fine.

I went up there today to the Seroma Clinic as they are only open Mondays and Fridays and I'm not sure I can get there Monday...my Care Nurse said she didn't want to syringe it out as there wasn't really that much and she wanted to avoid it if possible.

I may have to go Monday as it is 'filling up' but thankfully not too painful (yet).

I then walked into town to get a couple of bras as the one I had wasn't really to my liking...I am someone who hates shopping for bras so I thought this would hard for me...I am extremely fussy...Went into John Lewis and found 2 to my liking - yippee, couldn't be the ones in the sale at £8 though could they...not likely.

Although you do get the VAT paid for so I saved £9.52!!

Very pleased with my purchases and I also got 2 new t-shirts from M & S with crew necks as opposed to V or scoop necks. Went through my wardrobe yesterday and tried on all my tops, I managed to save some but the majority of them aren't suitable anymore so they have been bagged up and put away for now.

May think about Ebaying them at a later date.

I have received so many lovely flowers and cards from many of my lovely friends.

Think I may be able to drive next week as I have full movement in my arm and the wound isn't too sore...we shall see.

love Clare xx

Wednesday 6th August 2008

After a pleasurable stay in a nice ward with some lovely ladies (all gynea ops) and equally nice food, I’m home.

The lady opposite me was so lovely and had for 13yrs tried for a baby and finally gave in and was in there having a hysterectomy - I was extremely sad for her.

I was scheduled last operation of the day and they expected me to go down between 3 and 4pm.

I went to the Medical Physics department at 9.40am to have the radioactive injection through my nipple…ouch!! Well you would think ouch but in fact it didn’t hurt at all and despite my concerns at subjecting the Berkshire public to me in my gown and slippers I did in fact walk down there in my gown and slippers!!

Settled back down on the ward and was having a lovely chat with the lady opposite me, when at 12.10 one of the nurses called out 5mins Clare….gulp!!

They walked me down to theatre and the surgeon was there waiting for me, he said a few words and assured me he’d do his best handy work.The anaesthetist was the same one who put me under for my gall bladder op. Now I can’t have anything in either arm he had to put the cannula in my foot…now that is ouch!

One of my very fetching white embolism stocking had to come off – shame

He gave me a choice of pre-med so I chose a ‘Bacardi and coke’ to set me on my way and by god did I feel woozy and that was it…I just about managed to ask where was the ice and lemon and the next thing I knew was, that I was in the recovery ward, about 2.30ish and was wheeled back to the ward.

I had 2 drains in my breast (well where it once was) and they were relatively comfortable, just annoyingly positioned to make you take extra care not to lay on them etc. I had an ok night on Monday but of course they have to wake you every 2hrs to do blood pressure etc

Tuesday on the ward was a scream as a Lady…a real Lady, was in the bed next to me (Lady Bader). She had a few mishaps..knickers fell down as she walked off to the loo, nearly fell out of the bed (wet the bed) she was so funny and kept saying it was boring and she could be in her garden drinking scotch (she is 91!!)

Tuesday night’s sleep was good and I missed all the drama!! Apparently about 2am until 3am Lady B kicked right off…she didn’t know where she was and was trying to get out of her bed with all her wires attached, shouted at the nurse ‘who the hell are you in my bedroom’…bless she was so confused.

The other ladies in there thought it hilarious that I slept through the lot!!

The registrar came round at 8.30am this morning and checked my drains and as they hadn’t filled the bottles anymore said I could have them out and go home – yippee!

One of the lovely nurses gave me some stuff to drink and came back a few minutes later and pulled out the tubes –I’m so rock hard I hardly noticed she’d done them.

Jon came to pick me up at 12noon and off I went back to my boys.

I have a foam ‘Comfie breast’ to use until the swelling goes down and I can then have a proper prosthesis, I went to Asda and got one of their post surgery bras with a pocket to hold it in and it is ok..the bra I had was a support bra without pockets but the foam comfie kept moving about and I didn’t fancy it falling out in front of anyone.

So all I have to do now is wait until the 19th for the results of the node biopsy and fingers crossed they will be clear and then I guess I will find out if I have to start chemo…that very short road to baldness!!

I’m not entirely happy with the way I look now (would have been better to have had both removed IMO) but it’s better than the alternative and Jon’s ok with it so together we’ll get through it.

love Clare xx

Thursday 31st July 2008

Getting a bit worried now…not about the actual operation that doesn’t worry me at all.

I’m worried what effect having a mastectomy will have on me as a person. I like the way I am at the moment and would hate to end up self conscious just because of what this shitty disease has done to my body.

I won’t let this setback beat me in to early surrender; I have so much more I want to do with Jack and Jon.

My sister came over at the weekend and we had a good chat, she has sent my picture to Lourdes with her friend so that prayers can be said…I hope they work.

I have my things ready for my hospital stay…quite costly as I had to have new things…(well more a case of wanted rather than had to have new things). I will be packing my Ipod, book, cross stitch, magazines…may even treat myself to Patientline tv, as I don’t think I can miss Big Brother for 5 days (how sad is that).

I am so nosey though that I probably won’t get any reading done and my Ipod will be switched off every time someone starts talking…lol.

Sunday lunch at Mum and Dad's, back here to have bath do hair etc and then I have to be there at 6pm..ridiculous as I’m not having it done until late Monday morning.

I have to be at the Medical Physics department at 9.40am to have the dye for the node biopsy injected and to my horror they expect you to walk there in your hospital gown and dressing gown…no way – it’s at the opposite end of the hospital, so jogging bottoms and t-shirt will be worn.

love Clare xx

Wednesday 16th July 2008

Got a call today from my breast care nurse....op scheduled for....Monday 4th August.

Went to M & S today and got measured properly for a new bra, none of mine are non-wired and most are too big...

So am now the proud owner of a 'huge' piece of support that will home my prosthesis until I can get a proper mastectomy bra (when the wound has healed).

Oh and I just happened to get some new pj's and a dressing gown...have to look nice for any visitors that come in and see me...will be in for 4/5 days.

So have to ring surgeon’s secretary next Tuesday and arrange a 'Fit for Surgery' appointment and also arrange to see my BCN to talk about the surgery and what I should and shouldn't do afterwards.

It's all go in our household.

love Clare xx

Tuesday 15th July 2008

Had my appointment today and the consultant has said the 'mass' on my ovary is a cyst..yippee!!

I knew it in my heart it was 'diddlysquat'.

He still wants to keep an eye on it so I have to go back for an ultrasound scan on 19th August. they need to know if it's a pathological cyst or a physiological cyst...he suspects the latter, so that apparently is good!!

Next thing to do is ring my care nurse tomorrow and tell her to get the ball rolling for my mastectomy - oh great joy.

Off out tonight with 'girlfriends' and will have a large glass of red.

love Clare xx

Friday 11th July 2008

I got the phone call from my Breast Care Nurse and she has booked me a gynae appointment on Tuesday at 2.45pm.

She said they'd booked me in even though the consultant hasn't read my notes/seen the scans/or know diddlysquat about me etc and if when he comes to look at them Tuesday morning in the MDT meeting he decides that it's nothing then they'll ring me...

ooh let's hope I get a phone call around 11am...... Wouldn't that be lovely.

love Clare xx

Tuesday 8th July 2008

Today didn’t go how I expected...still not shocked though!

Saw my surgeon who said that whilst they are thrilled that the liver and lung tumours are apparently ‘not there’ there is something ‘going on’ in my pelvic area i.e ‘a mass’ on my ovary, I put it to him that it’s possibly a cyst but they think not as it’s solid...

So, it’s another wait whilst they try to get me in to see a gynae next Tuesday to do an ultrasound and possibly arrange a laparoscopy to get a biopsy done.

Worst case scenario is hysterectomy and ovary removal.

He said that as soon as we know what we’re dealing with I will be going in for a mastectomy and centinal node clearance (2 lymph nodes nearest the breast).

If I need other surgery by the gynae they will try and do it all together.

I asked if I should have a double mastectomy and he said ‘no’, obviously if I insisted they would do it but the chances of recurrence in my right breast is less than 5%.

It’s not the same strain as the one I already have...unfortunately, it’s what’s called triple negative so hormone therapy (like tamoxifen) wouldn’t be of any use and he did say that if I do have ovarian cancer then it would be a gene mutation within me, as there is no family history so it's started with me.

There was so much to take in so I hope I’ve explained it as well as I can.

Will be waiting in anticipation for the phone call to let me know the appointment time for next Tuesday...they’d better phone or ...grrrr!

love Clare

Wednesday 2nd July 2008

I think I am shock proof, nothing can shock or scare me anymore.

Went in to see the surgeon at 12noon and by 12.20pm the worst news had been confirmed.

The first thing the surgeon said was "you are a very complicated case".

I have two tumours in my left breast one a grade 2 and the other a 'naughty' grade 3.

They haven't got all results back yet so don't know if it's the same cancer as the one I already have or a different one..if it's HER2 positive I will have herceptin if it's HER2 negative I won't and if it's borderline it'll be 6-8 weeks before I find out!!! (I'm currently HER2 negative).

They didn't have the meeting yesterday to discuss my case but are scheduled to have it next Tuesday morning and the treatment plan could be as follows:

• Try chemo again, as last time I responded really well, this will be to try and shrink the tumours so that they can do a WLE (Wide Local Excision) if the chemo isn't successful then it'll be a mastectomy.
• or go straight in and do a mastectomy

My Oncologist will know whether or not it's worth doing chemo so it rests with him next Tuesday...I could be back on the chemo by end of next week.

The chemo will be Taxotare so yet again it will mean loss of hair and all the wonderfully awful side effects that go with taxols. Upside is that the tumours on the liver and lungs are not visible at all on the CT scan...which means they haven't gone but the cancer cells would be so few that they don't register.

I do however have something on my right ovary and they will book me an ultrasound of that..I suspect a cyst as I've always had ovarian cysts on my right side...surely it can't be anything more.

So by 10.30am next Tuesday I'll now what I'm doing this summer...

love Clare xx